“No. I hate surprises. I fear them more than anything. The only thing that brings joy is something you want and have been waiting for.”
“Quite a philosophy.”
“No. I just knew we both wanted the same thing.”
“That’s nice. Listen, you could also say there isn’t much happiness in the world, so you shouldn’t hesitate doing something you feel some good might come from.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth. All I can do is say them again.”
“Listen, why do I like you so much? Maybe you can explain that to me.”
“No. But that explains why you came.”
“Shouldn’t I slam the door and leave?”
“We’d lose one night,” I said. “And I have just enough money to stay here a few more days. Then I’ll have to move. By the way, did you give Johnny a spanking?”
“Yes. He traded your pants for a jackknife with a corkscrew. Johnny says it’s a very good jackknife. I brought it with me. I thought you should have it.”
She gave me the jackknife.
“Thank you,” I said. “Actually I’ve always wanted one. What about my shirt?”
“He traded it for some kind of lizard.”
“Maybe it’ll become friends with my dog.”
“No. It was a stuffed lizard. Next Johnny traded it for a pack of cigarettes. I brought you those, too.”
The cigarettes were Russian; thick as a finger, with cardboard filters.
“I haven’t smoked one of these in years,” I said. “Only Johnny could have come by them here.”
“I’m glad you think so highly of my son.”
“Want to try one?”
“Sure. Then what?”
“Let’s smoke first,” I said. “It’ll soothe my nerves.”
“Actually it’s me who should be tense, not you.”
“Not at all. It’s me who’s afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Disappointing you,” I said. “And you can’t imagine how afraid. I’m not eighteen. This country and this climate have taken their toll.”
“Listen,” she said. She liked that word. “Listen, I can go if you want. It’s just my luck that in this country, where everybody is so goddamn virile, I should be attracted to you.”
“Please stay. Maybe I’ll muster the courage. Good cigarettes, aren’t they?”
“I never knew plain tar could taste this good.”
“Yes,” I said. “The Russians have lots of good things. In Poland they never stopped telling us how good their scientists were.”
“What will we do when we finish smoking?”
“I’ll tell you something about my childhood. I once had a friend who experimented on frogs. The frogs really hated that. That was in Poland.”
I fell silent.
“Is that your only memory from Poland?” she asked after a terribly long pause, when she must have lost all hope of my continuing the conversation.
“Actually the only thing I really remember from Poland is Khrushchev’s face,” I said.
“You’re a very strange lover.”
“I know. Once for three nights in a row I explained the construction of a steam engine to some girl. It didn’t get me very far. But apparently I was very cheeky as a kid. You’ll have to excuse me for a moment. This room doesn’t have a toilet.”
“Okay,” she said.
I went out into the corridor. There was a buzz in my ears and a total void in my mind. I went down to the reception desk and called Robert from there. When I heard his voice, brisk and eager, I felt a little better.
“Bobby, quick,” I said. “I’ve forgotten how it goes after the initial nonsense. It’s because of the khamsin. Why don’t we wait a few days?”
“Are you crazy? Think how much we’re paying for that goddamn hotel room. We can’t wait, damn you.”
“Then what am I supposed to do now?”
“Don’t touch her yet. Tell her what you’re going to do to her, but keep away. Wait until she gets so hot she can’t stand it.”
“What if she doesn’t get hot?”
“She will. No woman can resist for long if you tell her what you intend to do to her. Even St. Therese of the Child Jesus would have given in. Can’t I ever leave you alone? You’re like a child, you know?”
“Okay,” I said, putting down the receiver. I went to the hotel bar and drank a beer and listened to two German Jews talk about Goethe.
“He was a great man,” one of them said.
“What do you mean great? He was the greatest!”
“And so cheerful,” the first one gushed.
“He was our greatest poet,” the second one said.
They were both corpulent and elegantly dressed; I was certain they had spent the war in Switzerland or in the States. I looked at my thin face and bleached hair in the mirror over the bar, gulped down the rest of my beer, and turned to them: “Das beste, was Goethe geschrieben hat, ist An American in Paris, meine Herren.”
I bowed and went upstairs. She was standing by the closed window, taking deep breaths. Her forehead was covered with sweat, but that didn’t make her any less attractive. Or maybe she wasn’t perspiring. Maybe it was only my imagination.
“It’s all because of this wind,” I said. “I’ll tell you what happened once in Haifa, when after four days of khamsin …”
“I think it’s time you shut up,” she said.
“No. I’ll decide what comes when. Nothing I desire will pass me by, but I want it to last a long, long time. So that I’ll never forget. First I want to think about it, then talk about it, and only then do it.”
“You haven’t said anything yet.”
“But I’m going to now. I’m thinking you’ll be naked soon and that while I’m undressing you, something may rip. I’m thinking that your breasts are small and your legs strong. And I know your belly is flat and hard. And that afterwards we’ll lie next to each other smoking the cigarettes Johnny contrived to get us. And I’m sure we’ll speak softly to each other, even though we could speak quite loudly because we’re all alone. We’ll both be a little uncomfortable. I’ll feel your hair on my lips.”
“Don’t say anything more.”
“No. I’ll go on talking. I’ll talk until we both go mad. I’m thinking of your belly, whether it’s strong and hasn’t been disfigured by Johnny. Maybe it has tiny light scars which I’ll be able to feel with my fingertips. I hope so. Maybe I can kiss them once you stop feeling shy. And soon my shyness will also disappear and you, too, will be able to kiss me. And then we’ll start again, and the whole room, the bed, everything will have your smell. Not mine, but yours. But until I say that one important word, this is all.”
“I have to leave Israel,” she said.
“So leave. Go wherever you like, remember me only as long as it brings you joy.”
“What if afterwards nothing brings me joy?”
“No man should be so conceited as to believe no other man can replace him.”
“Do you believe that?”
“No.”
“Neither do I.”
“Don’t think about it now,” I went on. “Think what I’ve been telling you. Think of me taking off your dress very, very slowly, and other things. Think only of that.”
“I love you, you know?” she said. “I’m glad I said it first. I really am. Did you hear me? I said it first. Will you remember that?”
6
ROBERT SHOWED UP AT THE BEACH AROUND TEN. HE LOOKED dreadful. It turned out the bouncer had only one bed and they had had to share it. What’s more, the bouncer’s girlfriend dropped in unexpectedly and kicked up a row when she found them in bed together. Somehow they managed to calm her, but then had to share the bed with her, too. The dog slept stretched across their feet.
“The bouncer’s worried about his money,” Robert said. “He kept me awake half the night talking about it.”