Therefore, the best epigraphs have no discernible relationship to the contents of the books they adorn.
epilogue (EPP-ul-oh-gay): just when you think the book is over, there are suddenly like twenty more pages to go, because some writers just don’t know when to stop. Don’t read epilogues: it will only encourage them.
epitaph (epp-EE-toff ): an obscure quotation on a tomb-stone, designed to make the dead guy’s life seem less pointless.
Europe (YOUR-ip): we beat these guys in World War II.
Foghat (foe-GAT): the fifth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Funkadelic (FUN-kee-assgroove-a-TELL-ick-ness): the funki-est band in the world, unless you count the Isley Brothers.
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genuflect (g-NU-fuh-lect): sometimes, the church only requires one half of a person’s body to be kneeling.
gifted and talented (gif-TED and tal-on-TED): gifted and talented students are those who have figured out that if you make a little effort to leave the right impression, very little will be expected of you in the end.
Gilligan’s Island (GILL-gan SIS-land): a television show, certain episodes of which contain the secret to the meaning of existence, concealed by means of coded messages and obscure symbolism.
Che Guevara (chee goo-ey-VAH-ra): a Latin American revolutionary famous for his sexiness and hip T-shirts. A cross between Elvis and Charles Manson. An inexplicably adored Holden Caulfield for the political-minded.
George Harrison (GORE-jer-us ISS-un): guitar player and Siddhartha-type. The hairiest of all the Beatles.
hemisemidemiquaver (HEE-mee-SUM-thin-ore-UDD-er): a sixty-fourth note. Many guitar players believe the object of the game is to play as many of these as possible, leaving as few spaces as they can for the entire song. It’s a test of endurance.
Hitler (HIL-ter): a thoroughly evil totalitarian mass murderer from Germany. Seriously, you can’t get more evil than him.
Admirers of other totalitarian mass murderers take comfort in the notion that at least their guy’s evilness doesn’t meet this standard; plus they point out that in their guy’s dicta-torship everyone who is not murdered gets free health care and education.
Humanities (hum-in-AN-uh-teez): the study of random things, characterized by self-admiration and extremely easy assignments.
homoeroticism (home-AY-oh-RAW-tick-iz-um): dudes being turned on by dudes, or dudes ridiculing other dudes by 338
behaving as they believe dudes who really are turned on by dudes behave with respect to those dudes they are turned on by, under the impression that this is hilarious or otherwise worthwhile. As irritating as this is for dudes who in fact are not turned on by dudes, it must be even worse for those who are.
horological (whore-a-lodge-ICK-el): related to clocks or time.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (in-WAY-shun off THE
BUD-ee SNITCH-ehz): no one has yet come up with a better hypothesis for why our society is the way it is. The third-greatest movie ever made.
The Jam (the JIM): fake-mod dolphins from around the eleventh century. Breaks the ice at parties. The twenty-third-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Joan Jett (John JET-ah): guitar player for the Runaways, the fourteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Johnny Thunders (joe NEETH-un-derz): the name of a Kinks song, and the guitar player for the New York Dolls.
The Kinks (thee KEEN-uck-ess): the third-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
KISS (nites in SERV-iss uv SAY-tan): considering the fact that KISS is four middle-aged guys in mime makeup, it’s extremely impressive that they somehow managed to swing becoming the eleventh-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Timothy Leary (tee-MOTH-ee lee-AHR-ay): famous college professor turned drug fiend from the sixties.
Led Zeppelin (leads a-PEEL-in): hey, gang! Let’s all get stoned and head down to the Mississippi Delta and watch four goofy-ass English guys in wizards’ hats and girls’
blouses play “the blues” and teach us everything there is to know about elfin princesses; gossamer wings; the tooth 339
fairy; the land of Winken, Blinken, and Nod; the wise and dark and mystic pilgrim brooding in the mist; and Puff the Magic Dragon. Come on, it’ll be magical.
Lemmy (let-me): “singer” of Motorhead.
libidinous (LI-bid-IGH-ness): one of the many fancy-pants ways to say “horny.”
magnanimous (MAG-na-MIN-ee-us): if you are generous and kind of full of yourself, this word is for you.
Make-out/Fake-out (MACK-it FACK-it): a public humiliation technique that owes its power to the reliably universal desire to possess what one is not allowed to touch.
Analogous to the game called keep-away, the object of which is to take possession of a ball that is held just beyond one’s grasp, or tantalizingly offered only to be tossed to another player at the last moment.
Mamelukes (maym-LUCK-ayce): mounted warriors recruited from slaves, who dominated Egypt for several centuries till they were destroyed by Mehemet Ali Pasha in 1811. And a great fucking band name.
Charles Manson (CHAR-less mon-SOON): the world’s most famous Beatles fan, the ultimate boomer, and the Voice of his Generation.
Mao Tse-tung (Meow TAY-zee-tongue): a Chinese communist revolutionary who managed to thin out the Chinese population considerably, earning him the admiration and gratitude of a small but irritating segment of The Most Annoying Generation. Author of The Little Red Book, about which the best that can be said is: well, at least it’s not a big red book.
George Michael (YORE-gay Mich-elle): there’s lots to say about this guy, perhaps, but the shorts alone are bad enough.
Monty Python (MIN-tee PITH-ee): short for Monty Python’s 340
Flying Circus. A documentary series on everyday life in Great Britain.
Most Annoying Generation, The: see Boomers Motorhead (MELT-er red): the seventh-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
multiple personality disorder (em-py-DEE): a feminine courtship strategy.
The New York Dolls (the NEW-ark DOY-leez): a New York transvestite version of the Rolling Stones. The fifteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
normal (nor-MAL): lacking in taste, compassion, understanding, kindness, and ordinary human decency.
obsequious (ob-see-CUE-ee-us): a fancy-pants way to describe a suck-up.
orgasmic (or-JAZZ-um-ick): of, like, or pertaining to being glad all over.
partner (pard-NAIR): a euphemism for spouse or significant other. When a woman reaches the age where everyone starts to giggle whenever she refers to her “boyfriend,” and if the dude won’t marry her or if she doesn’t think “husband” sounds special enough, and possibly if she wants to preserve ambiguity as to whether or not she is a lesbian, she will usually settle on “partner.” I have no idea why guys use this word, unless it’s because their girlfriends or wives are a little touchy and they’d rather not get into it. This situation could be worse, however, as there are misguided parents out there who, I kid you not, like to introduce each other by saying things like “this is my lover, Don,” which can be quite a bit more nauseating.