FOOL Nuncle, give me an egg and I’ll give thee two
crowns.
LEAR What two crowns134 shall they be?
FOOL Why, after I have cut the egg i’th’middle and eat up
the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest136 thy
crowns i’th’middle and gav’st away both parts, thou bor’st
thine ass on thy back o’er the dirt: thou hadst little wit in thy
bald crown when thou gav’st thy golden one away. If I speak
like myself140 in this, let him be whipped that first finds it so:
Sings
Fools had ne’er less grace141 in a year,
For wise men are grown foppish142
And know not how their wits to wear,
Their manners are so apish144.
LEAR When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?
FOOL I have used it146, nuncle, e’er since thou mad’st thy
daughters thy mothers: for when thou gav’st them the rod147
and put’st down thine own breeches,
Sings
Then they for sudden joy did weep,
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep151
And go the fool among152.
Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach thy fool
to lie: I would fain154 learn to lie.
LEAR An155 you lie, sirrah, we’ll have you whipped.
FOOL I marvel156 what kin thou and thy daughters are:
they’ll have me whipped for speaking true, thou’lt have me
whipped for lying, and sometimes I am whipped for holding
my peace. I had rather be any kind o’thing than a fool. And
yet I would not be thee, nuncle: thou hast pared160 thy wit
o’both sides and left nothing i’th’middle. Here comes one
o’the parings.
Enter Goneril
LEAR How now, daughter? What makes that frontlet163 on?
You are too much of late i’th’frown.
FOOL Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need
to care for her frowning: now thou art an O without a figure166.
I am better than thou art now: I am a fool, thou art
To Goneril
nothing.— Yes, forsooth168, I will hold my tongue, so
your face bids me, though you say nothing.
Sings
Mum, mum,
He that keeps nor crust nor crumb171,
Weary of all, shall want some172.
Points to Lear
That’s a shelled peascod173.
GONERIL Not only, sir, this your all-licensed174 fool,
But other of your insolent retinue
Do hourly carp176 and quarrel, breaking forth
In rank177 and not-to-be endured riots, sir.
I had thought by making this well known unto you
To have found a safe179 redress, but now grow fearful,
By what yourself too late180 have spoke and done.
That you protect this course and put it on181
By your allowance, which if you should, the fault
Would not scape censure, nor the redresses sleep183
Which in the tender of a wholesome weal184
Might in their working do you that offence,
Which else were shame, that then necessity
Will call discreet proceeding.
FOOL For you know, nuncle,
The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo189 so long,
That it’s had it head bit off by it young190.
So, out went the candle, and we were left darkling191.
To Goneril
LEAR Are you our daughter?
GONERIL I would you would make use of your good wisdom —
Whereof I know you are fraught194 — and put away
These dispositions195 which of late transport you
From what you rightly are.
FOOL May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse?
Whoop, Jug198! I love thee.
LEAR Does any here know me? This is not Lear.
Does Lear walk thus? Speak thus? Where are his eyes?
Either his notion weakens, his discernings201
Are lethargied — Ha! Waking?202 ’Tis not so?
Who is it that can tell me who I am?
FOOL Lear’s shadow204.
LEAR Your name, fair gentlewoman?
GONERIL This admiration, sir, is much o’th’savour206
Of other your new pranks. I do beseech you
To understand my purposes aright:
As you are old and reverend, should209 be wise.
Here do you keep a hundred knights and squires,
Men so disordered, so debauched and bold211,
That this our court, infected with their manners,
Shows like a riotous inn: epicurism213 and lust
Makes it more like a tavern or a brothel
Than a graced palace. The shame itself doth speak215
For instant remedy. Be then desired216
By her, that else will take the thing she begs,
A little to disquantity your train218,
And the remainders, that shall still depend219
To be such men as may besort220 your age,
Which know themselves and you221.
LEAR Darkness and devils!—
To a Servant
Saddle my horses, call my train together.—
To Goneril
Degenerate224 bastard! I’ll not trouble thee.
Yet have I left a daughter.
GONERIL You strike my people, and your disordered rabble
Make servants of their betters.
Enter Albany
To Albany
LEAR Woe that228 too late repents!— Is it your will?
To a Servant
Speak, sir.— Prepare my horses.
Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend,
More hideous when thou show’st thee in a child
Than the sea-monster!
ALBANY Pray, sir, be patient.
To Goneril
LEAR Detested kite234, thou liest.
My train are men of choice and rarest parts235,
That all particulars of duty know
And in the most exact regard support237
The worships of their name. O, most small fault,
How ugly didst thou in Cordelia show!
Which, like an engine240, wrenched my frame of nature
From the fixed place, drew from my heart all love,
And added to the gall242. O Lear, Lear, Lear!
Hits his head
Beat at this gate, that let thy folly in,
And thy dear judgement out!— Go, go, my people.
ALBANY My lord, I am guiltless as I am ignorant
Of what hath moved246 you.
LEAR It may be so, my lord.—
Hear, nature, hear, dear goddess, hear!
Suspend thy purpose if thou didst intend
To make this creature fruitfuclass="underline"
Into her womb convey sterility,
Dry up in her the organs of increase252,
And from her derogate253 body never spring
A babe to honour her: if she must teem254,
Create her child of spleen255, that it may live
And be a thwart disnatured256 torment to her:
Let it stamp wrinkles in her brow of youth,
With cadent tears fret258 channels in her cheeks,
Turn all her mother’s pains and benefits259
To laughter and contempt, that she may feel
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have a thankless child!— Away, away!
Exit
Perhaps with Kent and Knights
ALBANY Now, gods that we adore, whereof comes this?