proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound14,
filthy, worsted-stocking knave, a lily-livered, action-taking15,
whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical16 rogue:
one-trunk-inheriting slave: one that wouldst be a bawd17 in
way of good service, and art nothing but the composition18 of
a knave, beggar, coward, pander19, and the son and heir of a
mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous
whining if thou deny’st the least syllable of thy addition21.
OSWALD Why, what a monstrous fellow art thou thus to rail22
on one that is neither known of thee nor knows thee!
KENT What a brazen-faced varlet24 art thou to deny thou
knowest me! Is it two days since I tripped up thy heels and beat
thee before the king? Draw26, you rogue, for though it be night,
yet the moon shines: I’ll make a sop o’th’moonshine27 of you,
you whoreson cullionly barber-monger28. Draw.
Draws his sword
OSWALD Away! I have nothing to do with thee.
KENT Draw, you rascaclass="underline" you come with letters against the
king, and take vanity the puppet31’s part against the royalty of
her father: draw, you rogue, or I’ll so carbonado32 your
shanks: draw, you rascal, come your ways33.
OSWALD Help, ho! Murder! Help!
KENT Strike, you slave! Stand, rogue, stand, you neat35
slave, strike!
Beats him
OSWALD Help, ho! Murder! Murder!
Enter Bastard [Edmund], Cornwall, Regan, Gloucester, Servants
EDMUND How now, what’s the matter? Part!
KENT With you, Goodman boy39, if you please: come, I’ll
flesh ye40: come on, young master.
GLOUCESTER Weapons? Arms? What’s the matter here?
CORNWALL Keep peace, upon your lives: he dies that strikes
again. What is the matter?
REGAN The messengers from our sister and the king.
CORNWALL What is your difference45? Speak.
OSWALD I am scarce in breath, my lord.
KENT No marvel, you have so bestirred your valour47. You
cowardly rascal, nature disclaims in thee: a tailor made thee48.
CORNWALL Thou art a strange fellow — a tailor make a man?
KENT A tailor, sir: a stone-cutter or a painter could not
have made him so ill51, though they had been but two years
o’th’trade.
CORNWALL Speak yet, how grew your quarrel?
OSWALD This ancient ruffian, sir, whose life I have spared at
suit of his grey beard55—
KENT Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter56!— My
lord, if you will give me leave, I will tread this unbolted57
villain into mortar and daub the wall of a jakes58 with him.—
Spare my grey beard, you wagtail59?
CORNWALL Peace, sirrah!
You beastly61 knave, know you no reverence?
KENT Yes, sir, but anger hath a privilege62.
CORNWALL Why art thou angry?
KENT That such a slave as this should wear a sword,
Who wears no honesty65. Such smiling rogues as these,
Like rats, oft bite the holy cords a-twain66
Which are too intrinse t’unloose, smooth67 every passion
That in the natures of their lords rebel68,
Being oil to fire69, snow to the colder moods,
Revenge, affirm, and turn their halcyon beaks70
With every gall and vary71 of their masters,
Knowing naught, like dogs, but following.—
To Oswald
A plague upon your epileptic visage73!
Smile you my speeches, as74 I were a fool?
Goose, if I had you upon Sarum75 plain,
I’d drive ye cackling home to Camelot76.
CORNWALL What, art thou mad, old fellow?
GLOUCESTER How fell you out? Say that.
KENT No contraries hold more antipathy
Than I and such a knave.
CORNWALL Why dost thou call him knave? What is his fault?
KENT His countenance likes82 me not.
CORNWALL No more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers—
KENT Sir, ’tis my occupation84 to be plain:
I have seen better faces in my time
Than stands on any shoulder that I see
Before me at this instant.
CORNWALL This is some fellow
Who, having been praised for bluntness, doth affect
A saucy roughness, and constrains the garb90
Quite from his nature. He cannot flatter, he:
An honest mind and plain, he must speak truth!
An they will take it, so: if not, he’s plain93.
These kind of knaves I know, which in this plainness
Harbour more craft and more corrupter95 ends
Than twenty silly ducking observants96
That stretch their duties nicely97.
KENT Sir, in good faith, in sincere verity98,
Under th’allowance of your great aspect99,
Whose influence100, like the wreath of radiant fire
On flickering Phoebus’ front101—
CORNWALL What mean’st by this?
KENT To go out of my dialect103, which you discommend so
much. I know, sir, I am no flatterer: he that beguiled104 you in a
plain accent was a plain knave, which for my part I will not
be, though I should win your displeasure to entreat me to’t106.
To Oswald
CORNWALL What was th’offence you gave him?
OSWALD I never gave him any.
It pleased the king his master very late
To strike at me, upon his misconstruction110:
When he, compact111 and flattering his displeasure,
Tripped me behind, being112 down, insulted, railed,
And put upon him such a deal of man113
That worthied him114, got praises of the king
For him attempting who was self-subdued115:
And, in the fleshment of this dread exploit116,
Drew on me here again.
KENT None of these rogues and cowards118
But Ajax is their fool.
CORNWALL Fetch forth the stocks120!—
You stubborn ancient knave, you reverent braggart121,
We’ll teach you.
KENT Sir, I am too old to learn.
Call not your stocks for me: I serve the king,
On whose employment I was sent to you:
You shall do small respects, show too bold malice126
Against the grace127 and person of my master,
Stocking his messenger.
CORNWALL Fetch forth the stocks! As I have life and honour,
There shall he sit till noon.
REGAN Till noon? Till night, my lord, and all night too.
KENT Why, madam, if I were your father’s dog
You should not use133 me so.
REGAN Sir, being his knave, I will.
Stocks brought out
CORNWALL This is a fellow of the self-same colour135
Our sister speaks of. Come, bring away136 the stocks!
GLOUCESTER Let me beseech your grace not to do so:
The king his master needs must take it ill
That he so slightly valued in his messenger,
Should have him thus restrained.
CORNWALL I’ll answer141 that.
REGAN My sister may receive it much more worse