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proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound14,

filthy, worsted-stocking knave, a lily-livered, action-taking15,

whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical16 rogue:

one-trunk-inheriting slave: one that wouldst be a bawd17 in

way of good service, and art nothing but the composition18 of

a knave, beggar, coward, pander19, and the son and heir of a

mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous

whining if thou deny’st the least syllable of thy addition21.

OSWALD    Why, what a monstrous fellow art thou thus to rail22

on one that is neither known of thee nor knows thee!

KENT    What a brazen-faced varlet24 art thou to deny thou

knowest me! Is it two days since I tripped up thy heels and beat

thee before the king? Draw26, you rogue, for though it be night,

yet the moon shines: I’ll make a sop o’th’moonshine27 of you,

you whoreson cullionly barber-monger28. Draw.

Draws his sword

OSWALD    Away! I have nothing to do with thee.

KENT    Draw, you rascaclass="underline" you come with letters against the

king, and take vanity the puppet31’s part against the royalty of

her father: draw, you rogue, or I’ll so carbonado32 your

shanks: draw, you rascal, come your ways33.

OSWALD    Help, ho! Murder! Help!

KENT    Strike, you slave! Stand, rogue, stand, you neat35

slave, strike!

Beats him

OSWALD    Help, ho! Murder! Murder!

Enter Bastard [Edmund], Cornwall, Regan, Gloucester, Servants

EDMUND    How now, what’s the matter? Part!

KENT    With you, Goodman boy39, if you please: come, I’ll

flesh ye40: come on, young master.

GLOUCESTER    Weapons? Arms? What’s the matter here?

CORNWALL    Keep peace, upon your lives: he dies that strikes

again. What is the matter?

REGAN    The messengers from our sister and the king.

CORNWALL    What is your difference45? Speak.

OSWALD    I am scarce in breath, my lord.

KENT    No marvel, you have so bestirred your valour47. You

cowardly rascal, nature disclaims in thee: a tailor made thee48.

CORNWALL    Thou art a strange fellow — a tailor make a man?

KENT    A tailor, sir: a stone-cutter or a painter could not

have made him so ill51, though they had been but two years

o’th’trade.

CORNWALL    Speak yet, how grew your quarrel?

OSWALD    This ancient ruffian, sir, whose life I have spared at

suit of his grey beard55

KENT    Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter56!— My

lord, if you will give me leave, I will tread this unbolted57

villain into mortar and daub the wall of a jakes58 with him.—

Spare my grey beard, you wagtail59?

CORNWALL    Peace, sirrah!

You beastly61 knave, know you no reverence?

KENT    Yes, sir, but anger hath a privilege62.

CORNWALL    Why art thou angry?

KENT    That such a slave as this should wear a sword,

Who wears no honesty65. Such smiling rogues as these,

Like rats, oft bite the holy cords a-twain66

Which are too intrinse t’unloose, smooth67 every passion

That in the natures of their lords rebel68,

Being oil to fire69, snow to the colder moods,

Revenge, affirm, and turn their halcyon beaks70

With every gall and vary71 of their masters,

Knowing naught, like dogs, but following.—

To Oswald

A plague upon your epileptic visage73!

Smile you my speeches, as74 I were a fool?

Goose, if I had you upon Sarum75 plain,

I’d drive ye cackling home to Camelot76.

CORNWALL    What, art thou mad, old fellow?

GLOUCESTER    How fell you out? Say that.

KENT    No contraries hold more antipathy

Than I and such a knave.

CORNWALL    Why dost thou call him knave? What is his fault?

KENT    His countenance likes82 me not.

CORNWALL    No more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers—

KENT    Sir, ’tis my occupation84 to be plain:

I have seen better faces in my time

Than stands on any shoulder that I see

Before me at this instant.

CORNWALL    This is some fellow

Who, having been praised for bluntness, doth affect

A saucy roughness, and constrains the garb90

Quite from his nature. He cannot flatter, he:

An honest mind and plain, he must speak truth!

An they will take it, so: if not, he’s plain93.

These kind of knaves I know, which in this plainness

Harbour more craft and more corrupter95 ends

Than twenty silly ducking observants96

That stretch their duties nicely97.

KENT    Sir, in good faith, in sincere verity98,

Under th’allowance of your great aspect99,

Whose influence100, like the wreath of radiant fire

On flickering Phoebus’ front101

CORNWALL    What mean’st by this?

KENT    To go out of my dialect103, which you discommend so

much. I know, sir, I am no flatterer: he that beguiled104 you in a

plain accent was a plain knave, which for my part I will not

be, though I should win your displeasure to entreat me to’t106.

To Oswald

CORNWALL    What was th’offence you gave him?

OSWALD    I never gave him any.

It pleased the king his master very late

To strike at me, upon his misconstruction110:

When he, compact111 and flattering his displeasure,

Tripped me behind, being112 down, insulted, railed,

And put upon him such a deal of man113

That worthied him114, got praises of the king

For him attempting who was self-subdued115:

And, in the fleshment of this dread exploit116,

Drew on me here again.

KENT    None of these rogues and cowards118

But Ajax is their fool.

CORNWALL    Fetch forth the stocks120!—

You stubborn ancient knave, you reverent braggart121,

We’ll teach you.

KENT    Sir, I am too old to learn.

Call not your stocks for me: I serve the king,

On whose employment I was sent to you:

You shall do small respects, show too bold malice126

Against the grace127 and person of my master,

Stocking his messenger.

CORNWALL    Fetch forth the stocks! As I have life and honour,

There shall he sit till noon.

REGAN    Till noon? Till night, my lord, and all night too.

KENT    Why, madam, if I were your father’s dog

You should not use133 me so.

REGAN    Sir, being his knave, I will.

Stocks brought out

CORNWALL    This is a fellow of the self-same colour135

Our sister speaks of. Come, bring away136 the stocks!

GLOUCESTER    Let me beseech your grace not to do so:

The king his master needs must take it ill

That he so slightly valued in his messenger,

Should have him thus restrained.

CORNWALL    I’ll answer141 that.

REGAN    My sister may receive it much more worse