“Yes, sir.” I couldn’t meet his eyes. I committed every word to memory so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. All I wanted was to impress him, and I had failed.
I caught my mom giving him a look, and he added, “But this isn’t an inspection.” I thought that might be the cue for a hug, so I moved closer to him. But all I got was an awkward pat on the back.
We sat down to dinner, eating in silence until he asked about my test. The question I least wanted to answer. I told him I wasn’t advanced to Ranger. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say.
He corrected me immediately. For not making eye contact. For leaving off the “sir” when I replied. I keep forgetting he’s much more the Commander General than he is my dad. He wasn’t like this with Senshi. I remember how they joked and laughed. He was proud to be her father. That was always clear.
Finally he said, “That’s all right. You’re young.”
Not what I wanted to hear. I’m tired of people acting like my age is a disability. I’m still one of the best Cadets out there. The Rangers need me.
“I ran the canyon eleven seconds faster than you did,” I told him. Then I felt silly. Of course that wasn’t the sort of thing that really mattered, to him or to Velan.
“Well, if you were ready, Velan would’ve promoted you. He’s a good man. Knows his stuff. You weren’t ready.” With that, he returned his attention to dinner.
Just like I thought—he would never stick up for me. Didn’t care about my side of the story. Thought I deserved what I got.
I stared at my plate, fighting back tears, until I finally managed to choke out, “I’m not hungry. I’m going to my room.” I couldn’t let the Commander General see me cry.
“Are you asking me or telling me?” he asked in a voice cold and hard as the canyon’s walls.
“May I go to my room, sir?” I asked, biting off the words.
“Denied. Sit down,” he replied, and I did.
My mom gave him a look before walking out. It made me feel a little better that she was on my side at least, but with her gone I was stuck there, alone with him. I knew she wouldn’t mind if I walked out like she had, but I wasn’t going to disobey a direct order from him.
I sat there clenching and unclenching my fists in my lap, wondering when he would let me go. It couldn’t have been fun for him sitting there in stony silence, either. Finally, he said I could go. I leapt up from my chair and went to my room. I was so eager for him to come home, and now I couldn’t wait to get away from him.
This isn’t what I wanted for tonight. Senshi’s birthday was hard enough. Shut away in my bedroom, I kept thinking about the last birthday she ever celebrated.
Dad was out with the Rangers, as always, but when she called, he answered. I remember how she and Mom and I sat around the table, with a seat left open for Dad. My sister and my dad talked a little about Moby Dick, and then she held up her cake to him, nineteen candles flickering on top. “Dad, you help me.”
I grinned, excited for the little trick my sister and I had planned. Dad told her to go ahead and blow out her own candles, but she insisted he help her. Finally, he gave in, leaning forward and blowing—and all the candles went out. I saw the surprise on his face before I leaned into the frame, laughing. I had stood in for him so it would look like he was there with us, blowing out the candles for Senshi. “Happy nineteenth birthday, Senshi,” he said. Then we heard an alarm in the background. “I have to go,” he’d said.
I know it wasn’t easy for him, goofing around with us while he was on duty—but for my sister, he’d do anything. He never would have given in to silliness like that for me. Maybe he didn’t want to have those inside jokes with me because it would make it even harder if he lost me too. Maybe he felt guilty that he was gone so much, that his last words to her were “I have to go.” Or maybe he just liked her better.
Thinking like that wouldn’t do any good. I pulled out Senshi’s copy of Moby Dick, trying to focus on the words. It’s an ancient book from Earth that my father and my sister used to read together. I’ve wanted to read it forever, but my mom said I had to be old enough. At thirteen, I finally am. I thought, maybe, if I read it too, it might help me find that connection to my father that seemed to come so easily to Senshi. I know it’s just a book. But it meant so much to them. It has to mean something to me too. Problem is, it doesn’t. Not yet, anyway. The book’s so long, and it’s weird reading it on paper instead of on my smart fabric screen. But this is the same copy my dad read, the same pages my sister turned. The two of them even made notes in the margins about their favorite parts, and I want to be connected to them any way I can. So I keep reading, even though it’s already clear that my dad is not exactly interested in reconnecting with me.
I can’t stop thinking of my dad, though. Alone in the guest room in his own house, separated from me by only a wall.
The guest room was never Senshi’s room, because she never lived in this apartment. We moved after what happened to Senshi, to a bigger place, on a higher floor, safer and better in every way. But it’s the room that would’ve been hers. We don’t talk about it, but I know I’m not the only one who feels it. Especially because it’s the room where we keep all her old things. I imagine him surrounded by the pictures of my beautiful sister, and I understand why he doesn’t want to be here when she isn’t.
I hear sounds from the guest room, and I listen at the wall. I probably shouldn’t, but I have no other way to know what’s going on. I hear Senshi’s name called in an official-sounding voice, cheering in the background. I don’t have to hear much more to recognize it as one of her Ranger award ceremonies. I’ve watched these video feeds so many times that I could probably identify any of them from a two-second clip played from the next room. I know he is seeing the bounce in her step as she crossed the stage, the light in her eyes as she accepted her award. I know he is looking at her holographic image and feeling how much less it is than her actual self. And yet, it’s all we have left of her.
Now he bursts out of the guest room, and I hear him walk to my mom’s office. I know she’s up, working on plans for the wind turbines. Since her office is down the hall, I can’t hear what they’re saying. Of course I know eavesdropping is wrong. Conduct unbefitting a Ranger, and all that. But then, I’m not a Ranger—not yet.
Their voices are soft and before long, I hear him marching back to the guest room.
I change out of my uniform, leaving it crumpled on my bed. No point in trying to keep it nice since apparently I’m no good at it. I hear footsteps in the hall again, coming this way. Better sign off, maybe pretend to be asleep.
It was my dad. He stood in the doorway, looking strangely uncertain, as though he wasn’t sure he should come in. “Pack your bags. You’re coming with me to Iphitos tomorrow.”
I was sure I must’ve heard him wrong, but I could see that he meant it. He left just as quickly as he’d appeared and I stared after him, confused but hopeful. Maybe this meant things were finally going to change between us. My mom had probably told him to take me, but I didn’t care. At least he had agreed. As I stared out my window at the stars and the nearest planet looming in the sky, I couldn’t believe that tomorrow, I’d be flying past them all.
Now I can’t sleep, I’m so excited. I’ve never been into space before. Usually only Rangers travel off planet, and sometimes scientists—but never Cadets. Iphitos is one of our key military bases and research stations, and I’ll get to see it in person. If Bo and whoever else got promoted thought they were better than me, this will impress them at least.