“I’m not – maybe that why this thing is giving me a headache.”
“How’d you know it was me at the door – witchcraft?”
“Uh-uh. You’re the only one who ever knocks.”
She logged off the computer and then swiveled her chair around to face me. “What can I do you for, Stan?”
“You ever hear anything about Slide?” I asked her.
“Slide? Isn’t that a dance? I think I saw David Hasselhoff try it on Dancing with the Sidhe a while back.”
“It might be a dance,” I said, “but it’s also a drug – a bad one.”
She sat back and looked at me, all levity gone from her face. “A street drug, by the name.”
“Uh-huh. Brand new – or damn nearly.”
“I would have thought that modern science had already figured out just about every way there is to fuck people up with chemicals,” she said. “What’s this one do?”
“Not much – unless you’re a supe.”
“A drug that affects supernaturals? Get outta here…”
“I’ll leave if you want – but I’d rather stick around and talk about this drug.”
“Still funny as a cold sore, I see.” She gave me a tiny smile, which is more than my feeble witticism was worth.
“We’re not just talking about goblins here, are we?” she asked.
“No – elves, for sure. And I have on good authority that it works on vamps and weres, too.”
“Goddess between us and all harm,” she said softly.
“And maybe other species of supes, too,” I said. “I don’t know anything about that – but then, until two days ago, I’d never heard of Slide, either.”
“What are the effects of this stuff?”
“I can tell you how it affects elves – at least, according to the elf who told me about it.”
“So, tell me about the elves, then. For starters, how do they ingest it?”
“My guy told me that he and his pals smoked it,” I said . “Although he claims to know some elves who shoot up with it, too.”
“What happens after it’s in their bloodstream?”
“He described it as being like fireworks going off inside your head – every color in the universe, and some from outside it.”
Rachel tapped her chin a few times. “Sounds like an LSD trip, although that stuff affects different people in different ways.”
“It’s not a hallucinogenic like acid,” I said. “You don’t start seeing purple vultures coming out of the walls, far as I know. Just the flashing lights, at first.”
“Then what?”
“Euphoria that apparently goes on for hours.”
“And what happens after that?” she asked. “Is there an emotional letdown – a crash – or do they return to normal, or what?”
“The elf didn’t say, and I forgot to ask,” I said. “Shit. But I can try to talk to him some more about it, if you think it’ll be helpful.”
“’Try?’”
“He’s probably lawyered up by now, which means he may not have a lot to say anymore – to me, at least.”
Rachel stood up and went around to perch on the edge of her desk, arms folded, staring at the floor. After a few moments, she said, “Are you sure it’s physically addictive, Stan – not just habituitive?”
“Oh, it’s addictive, alright. My new buddy Thor–”
“Who?”
“Sorry. That’s the elf we busted. He was showing all the signs of a strung-out junkie: sweating, hands shaky, and a good amount of physical discomfort. Kept yelling for a doctor to come in and ‘give him something’.”
“Sounds like he’s got a monkey on his back, alright.”
“Besides, when’s the last time you saw somebody commit armed robbery to get money for marijuana?”
Rachel’s eyebrows shot up. “Armed robbery?”
I told her how Thor and his pal tried to take down Jerry’s Diner while Karl and I were on our coffee break. When I was done, she said, “I see what you mean about the robbery. That’s certainly an act of desperation, which usually accompanies addiction. Not the kind of thing you see with marijuana smokers.”
“True – but I did know a pothead who tried armed robbery, once.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I said. “He took down a bakery – guy had the worst case of munchies I’d ever seen.”
She shook her head. “You just don’t quit, do you?”
“Sorry – it’s reflexive.”
“If you didn’t come down here just to tell bad jokes – and I hope you didn’t – then why did you stop by, Stan? I mean, it’s good to know about this new drug, but what do you want from me?”
“I want to know if you can cure it.”
She showed me the kind of look you give to a slow third-grader. “You can’t cure a drug, Stan – it’s not sick. It simply is.”
“I meant, cure the addiction.”
She put her hands into the pockets of the long skirt she was wearing and took a slow stroll over to the window. Looking through the dirty glass, she said, “Addiction is an individual matter and has to be treated individually. Some magic practitioners have been able to treat addicts successfully, but many other people get good results from the more mundane arts, such as psychotherapy.”
She turned from the window and looked at me. “You know how many therapists it takes to change a light bulb, Stan?”
“How many?”
“Oh, just one – but the bulb has got to want to change.”
I winced. “What’s that, Rachel – payback for all the dumb jokes I’ve inflicted on you?”
“Maybe,” she said with a smile. “If so, it represents only a down payment.” Then she dropped the smile and said, “But it does contain a core truth about curing people – whether through magic, therapy, or medicine. The patient has to desire to be cured. And with addiction, you know, that’s not always the case.”
“But if you had an addict who wanted to stop using whatever drug he was hooked on, you could help him kick it?”
“I haven’t done a lot of that kind of thing myself,” she said. “But yes, probably. Of course, I’ve never tried to cure a supernatural. Goblins tend to take care of their own, for better or worse. And until ten minutes ago, I didn’t even know that the other members of the community were vulnerable to addiction.”
“I don’t know if all the other varieties of supernaturals are capable of getting hooked on this shit. The only species I know about for sure is elves – but the intel about vamps and weres comes from a pretty reliable source.”
“Mind if I ask who?”
“Don Pietro Calabrese, his own self.”
Her eyes widened a little. “The Vampfather? And you think he’d tell you the truth about anything?”
“He would, when it’s in is best interest,” I said. “As it seems to be this time.”
“I hope you’re right,” she said. “OK, I’ll send out some feelers among the local witches about this new drug – if I hear anything useful, I’ll pass it on.”
“Thanks, Rachel, I appreciate it.”
I was heading for the door when she called me back. “Stan!”
“What?”
“If you have the opportunity, I’d really like to get a sample of this Slide to study. I want to see if I can figure out its chemical properties – might help if I have to attempt any curing spells later.”
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll see if I can get some for you.”
“Thanks. What are you going to do, in the meantime?”
“Try to stop a war.”
So an elf and a goblin walk into a bar – sounds like the start of a joke, right? But what happened at Fred’s Original Bar and Grill that night was no joke – especially as far as Fred was concerned.
Once Karl and I got back to the squad room, we briefed McGuire on our conversation with Calabrese and Loquasto. The boss made notes as we spoke and said he was thinking about putting together a briefing for all shifts of detectives, to let them know that their jobs had become even more complicated.
Not long afterward, a call came in, and Karl and I caught it. Normally an armed robbery isn’t the business of the Occult Crimes Unit, but this one seemed to be a little unusual. It wasn’t until we talked to Fred that we found out just how unusual it was.