I found an empty booth near the back and sat down. I had a sip of the beer, the only one I planned to take. I wasn’t on duty yet, but I would be in an hour. And the pain in my head was making it hard enough to concentrate without adding alcohol to the mix.
I’d been waiting maybe five minutes when consigliere Louis Loquasto slipped into the seat opposite me, holding a glass of what looked like a double bourbon on the rocks. His elegant suit was blue this time, and I would’ve bet that its price tag could’ve put some kid through college for a year – at a state school, anyway. I’d figured Loquasto’s drink was just a prop, like mine, to avoid drawing undue attention, but then he brought the glass to his lips and took a good-sized pull from it.
“Looks like you needed that drink, Counselor,” I said. “Life getting a bit stressful for you lately?”
“I find your infantile sense of humor difficult to endure at the best of times, Markowski,” he said. “Which these demonstrably are not.”
“Is that why you wanted to meet here – because nobody in his right mind would bomb a bar full of cops?”
“The thought had crossed my mind. Now, you said you wanted to talk – so talk.”
“I said I wanted to talk to your boss, remember?”
“Mister Calabrese is otherwise engaged. But you may be sure that I will relay to him the details of this conversation, although it has been singularly uninteresting thus far.”
Lawyers know more ways to say “Fuck you” without ever using those exact words than any bunch of people I’ve ever met.
“Somebody set off a car bomb outside of Ricardo’s Ristorante last night,” I said. “You know anything about it that I don’t?”
“Detective, the sum total of what I know that you don’t would probably fill the Scranton Eagles Stadium.”
Arrogant prick. “Maybe we could focus on the bombing and leave all that other stuff for some other time – like maybe some Friday night when we’re knocking back a few brewskis at the Polish-American Club.”
Maybe to hide the distaste that had appeared on his face at the thought of hanging out with me socially, Loquasto took another pull from his drink. Setting the glass down, he said, “Some of our people saw the arrival of the car containing the bomb.”
“Did they, now?”
“They didn’t know what it was at the time, of course. The car, which was described as a late-model blue Mazda Skinwalker, stopped in the street outside the restaurant, blocking one lane of traffic.”
“Probably stolen,” I said.
“Yes, I expect so – although I gather so little was left of it after the explosion that identification would likely be impossible, anyway.”
“So this car parks in front of Ricardo’s – then what?”
“Almost immediately, what appeared to be a gnome got out from behind the wheel, dashed across the street, and hopped into the passenger seat of another car that had apparently been waiting, its engine idling.”
“A gnome.” I realized that I’d just taken another swig of beer without really thinking about it.
“That’s what our people say. Short, nimble, white beard. He even wore that little conical hat they’re known to sport.”
“You trust the accuracy of the description your guys provided?” I asked him.
“By and large, yes,” Loquasto said. “They are reliable people, or they would not be in Mister Calabrese’s employ. Further, each was questioned separately – and provided essentially the same account.”
I nodded slowly. My head protested the movement, but not quite as loudly as it had been doing yesterday.
“In that case, somebody’s fucking with you.”
He gave me the kind of look you’d expect from a duchess who’s just been patted on the ass by one of the help – but I don’t think his heart was in it. After a couple of seconds, his face lost its haughty expression and returned to its default setting of cold and hostile. His voice was flat when he said, “Explain.”
“Don’t take it personally,” I said. “They’re fucking with me, too. Maybe they’re fucking with all of us.”
“Is that your idea of an explanation?”
“No, but this is: gnomes don’t wear conical hats.”
Loquasto scratched his jaw. “I was under the impression that such headgear was a trademark of the species.”
“You and lots of other people,” I said. “It’s a cultural stereotype, like vampires wearing capes or witches riding brooms. Maybe once upon a time, in Europe or wherever, gnomes actually used to wear those stupid things. Stereotypes have to start someplace, I guess.”
“But the gnomes don’t do so any longer – that’s what you’re telling me.”
“Exactly. I’ve met quite a few gnomes over the years, Counselor. They might wear baseball caps in the summer or stocking caps in the winter like the rest of us. When the weather’s nice, lots of them don’t wear anything on their heads at all. But those conical hats? No fucking way.”
Loquasto swirled ice around in his glass but didn’t drink this time. “I see.”
“For a gnome to wear one of those cones out in public would be like a black guy walking down the street with a bucket of fried chicken in one arm and a watermelon under the other one.”
I know, I know. Some black people actually like fried chicken, with watermelon for dessert. So do I. But I was trying to make a point here, political correctness be damned.
“So, it’s your contention,” Loquasto said, “that the driver of the car bomb couldn’t have been a gnome?”
“Not necessarily. Shit, you can find members of all species, including human, who’ll do just about anything if the money’s right. Maybe the guy was a gnome, maybe not. My point is, whoever sent him wanted us to think he was a gnome.”
Loquasto gave me a dubious look. “Why on Earth would the Delatassos do something like that?”
I paused for a second – dramatic effect, I guess. “Maybe they didn’t.”
Loquasto stared at me, then picked up his glass and drained it. “I need another,” he said. “You want another beer?”
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
Loquasto was smart – he wouldn’t be a Mafia consigliere otherwise. By the time he was back at our booth, he’d figured out what I meant and started considering its implications.
“How could whoever sent this faux gnome with a car bomb be sure that there would be surviving witnesses to describe him?”
“Last time I was at Ricardo’s, my partner and I were braced by three guys from Calabrese’s crew, all vampires. Are those guys out there all the time?”
“Ever since the war started, yes. Mister Calabrese stationed some soldiers at the door. They were in place for as long as the restaurant was open every night. Rotating shifts, of course.”
“Vampire soldiers,” I said.
“That’s what the Family consists of now.” He gave me a thin smile. “With a few notable exceptions.”
“Vampire soldiers,” I repeated, then said, “Vampires… wouldn’t be killed in an explosion, no matter how powerful it was.”
Loquasto stared down at his drink, as if he hoped to find the answers floating in the cheap glass along with the ice cubes. “Guaranteed eyewitnesses. Very clever.”
He looked up at me. “Who’s got it in for gnomes so badly that he wants to frame them for an explosion that’s killed…” He pulled out his smartphone and tapped the screen a few times. “Eleven people so far, with four others on the critical list. Who hates gnomes that much?”
“I think you’re being too narrow in your thinking, Counselor.”
His eyebrows rose slowly. “Am I indeed? Then please enlighten me.”
Ignoring the sarcasm, I said, “Could be that whoever’s behind it isn’t just trying to set up gnomes. Maybe his target is the whole supe community.”
One thing I liked about Loquasto – one of the few things, actually – was that you didn’t have to draw him a diagram.