* * *
"I just need to take a bathroom break, then I'll be ready to go," Jess said.
"Okay." Kim stood next to Thor and stroked her hand down his back.
Sam had tried several times to take Jess aside and find out what was wrong, but Jess managed to avoid her.
She joined Kim by the door. "It was really great to meet you. I hope you'll come down with Jess again soon."
Kim met her eyes. "Thanks, Sam. I enjoyed meeting you too."
Sam glanced down the hall to make sure Jess was still in the bathroom. She bumped shoulders with Kim. "I know she's hard to handle sometimes. But please be patient with her. She really cares about you."
Tears filled Kim's eyes. "I will. I care about her a lot too."
Sam wrapped her arm around Kim's shoulders and squeezed. I don't know what you did, Jess, but fix it. Kim is one very special woman. You need her in your life.
CHAPTER 34
JESS GAZED DOWN into the woman's pale, emotionless face. Her eyes had a vacant look as if she had retreated to somewhere no one could touch her.
Her stomach roiling, Jess gripped the rails of the gurney with white-knuckle intensity. She had not reacted like this to a sexual assault case in years. The stress of trying to confess to Kim over the past month had stirred Jess's own dark memories.
She forced her gaze away from the patient and focused on Caroline Beck, a third-year resident, standing on the other side of the gurney. Jess inclined her head toward the door.
When Caroline joined her near the door, Jess spoke in a low voice. "Have you done a..." Jess silently cursed the tremor in her voice, "kit before?"
Caroline peered at Jess. "Yes. I know the procedure." Her brow furrowed. "I can do this."
Jess stuffed her hands in her lab coat pockets to still their shaking. Do your damn job. Years of practice allowed Jess to don her ER chief persona like a protective mantle. Once again firmly in control, she said, "I know you can. Get one of the female nurses to assist you." Her eyes bore into Caroline's. "Just the two of you in the room. No one else."
"Of course, Dr. McKenna." Caroline moved back to her patient.
Jess opened the exam room door and stepped out into the corridor. Humiliation tinged the relief she felt at being out of the room.
Caught up in her churning emotions, Jess didn't realize she wasn't alone.
"Hey, Jess." Kim was leaning against the wall just a few feet away.
No. Not now. Jess froze.
Kim stepped close. "You okay?" she asked, her voice soft and warm.
One look into Kim's loving blue eyes stripped Jess bare.
She was sure Kim could see into her soul, straight down to her deepest shame. Panic struck as swift and painful as an arrow's point. Jess spun on her heel and fled. She heard Kim call out, but her shame gave wings to her feet.
* * *
Jess paced around her office. You knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. The demons of her past were slowly, but surely destroying her future. Myra had it right all along. You're damaged goods.
Despite the current situation, the past month had been the happiest Jess could remember. Each day, she fell deeper in love with Kim. They had not spent a night apart since Christmas.
But one thing had marred that happiness. Jess slammed her fist into her palm. No matter how hard she tried, she was not able to stifle her reaction whenever Kim tried to take control of their lovemaking.
The lie that there was nothing wrong had become a draught almost too bitter to swallow. Every time Jess uttered the lie, the light in Kim's eyes dimmed a little more.
Jess was trying. Just last week, she had allowed Kim to go down on her for the first time. Granted, she had had to be in the upper position, but still, it was an intimacy she had never allowed anyone before.
And still you lie.
Many times in recent weeks, she had longed for the courage to tell Kim what even Sam didn't know. But just the thought of seeing disdain and pity replace the love in Kim's vivid blue eyes made her sick to her stomach.
You're a coward. Why else have you been hiding out from Kim all afternoon?
Jess had avoided Kim since seeing her outside the sexual assault victim's room. She had not come back to her office until she was sure it was well past the time when Kim left for the day.
And now you're hiding in your office to avoid going home.
Jess dropped into her chair with an sigh. She buried her face in her hands. God. What am I going to do?
* * *
Jess parked in front of the house. An icy ball filled her stomach. The house was dark, and Kim's Jeep was not in the driveway.
It had never dawned on her that Kim wouldn't come home.
She looked into the backseat at Thor. "I really fucked up, boy."
Pain weighted her shoulders as she unloaded Thor and then made her way into the dark house.
The silence was oppressive.
"Come on, big guy. Let's get you fed."
Jess went about feeding Thor on autopilot. With Thor taken care of, she returned to the living room and flopped down on the couch.
She stared at the cold, dead ashes in the fireplace. They were the perfect representation of what her life had been like before Kim. Kim was the spark that breathed life and fire back into her world.
If you don't do something, your fear is going to cost you the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Steely resolved filled Jess. No. It's not going to end like this.
She grabbed her keys and headed for the door. Please let her be where I think she is.
* * *
The meager light from the fireplace did little to pierce the darkness of the room. A musty, unused smell permeated the air.
Kim sat huddled in the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She stared into the flickering flames.
Her mind was filled with memories of Jess. In front of this very fireplace, Jess had held her and comforted her over a patient's death.
Tears flow down her face. This is what happens when you open your heart and let yourself love someone.
She had been happy with Jess. Her relationship with Jess was unlike any of her previous ones. She had opened herself to Jess in a way she had never done with anyone else.
That was what made Jess's repeated lies all the more painful.
Memories of the past tortured Kim every time Jess looked her in the eyes and lied. She shut down a little more each time it happened.
You love someone, and in the end they will leave you. They lie and then leave you — one way or the other.
Something had snapped inside her today when Jess ran from her. All those old fears she had tried so hard to overcome came roaring back.
A knock on the door startled Kim. I can't deal with anyone right now.
The knock came again, louder than before. "Kim? Are you there?"
It was the last voice Kim expected to hear. She came for me?
Kim wiped her face on her sleeve. She flipped on the lamp next to the couch and then moved to the door.
Her hand hovered over the knob.
Jess knocked again. "Please let me in."
Kim opened the door and found a very disheveled Jess. She looked as if she had raked her hands through her hair countless times.
"You weren't at home," Jess said.
Kim was tempted to correct her but bit her tongue. "I had some things I needed to get done around here." Now who is lying?
Jess shoved her hands into her pockets. "Can I come in?" Her voice held a pleading note.
Every instinct told Kim to say no. She gazed into Jess's vulnerable blue eyes and lost the battle. She didn't have the heart to refuse her.
"Okay."
* * *