Kim walked away, leaving Jess standing in the doorway.
Jess stared after Kim for a moment, then stepped inside and shut the door behind her.
Kim sat on the couch and stared into the fire.
Jess followed and eased down on the opposite end of the couch. She had never seen Kim like this — so closed off. Even her position reflected her withdrawal. Kim's knees were drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She reminded Jess of a flower bud, its petals folded over each other in a tight cocoon, protecting the vulnerable inner center.
Fear shafted through Jess. You're losing her. She scrubbed her hands on her pants. "I'm sorry about what happened at work."
Kim turned her head. Her gaze pierced Jess. "The case upset you?"
Jess's jaw clenched. Don't lie. "Yes... It reminded me of the past... of what happened... to me." Her hands gripped her thighs with viselike force. "I've wanted to tell you. I swear. I... I..." Tell her.
Her heart was roaring so loudly in her ears she missed Kim's words.
"What?"
"I've never told you about my dad."
Jess blinked at the non sequitur. She stared at Kim. In all the time she had known her, Kim had mentioned her father only once. She never talked about him. Why now?
"I was such a daddy's girl," Kim said. "Even at sixteen, I still loved going places and doing things with my dad." Her eyes took on a faraway look as if she was seeing another time and place.
"Right around the time I turned seventeen, things began to change. Small things at first. I'd find my dad sleeping in his recliner on a Saturday afternoon. He was never one to sit around, much less sleep during the day." Kim's arms tightened around her legs. "Then it got too obvious to ignore. He didn't have any energy and was losing weight."
Kim turned and looked at Jess. "I kept asking him, 'What's wrong, Dad?' He always said the same thing, 'Just a little under the weather.'" Kim's hand slashed sideways. "'It's nothing.'" Her hand slashed again, punctuating each word, "'No. Big. Deal.'"
Jess flinched hearing her own words.
Kim's eyes locked on Jess's with laserlike intensity. "And I believed him."
Realization slammed home. Oh, God. No.
A single tear slid down Kim's face. She rested her chin on her knee.
"Four months later, he was dead."
"I'm sorry," Jess whispered. Her heart broke for Kim. She longed to reach out and comfort her but feared her touch wouldn't be welcome. She sat on her hands to keep from giving in to the impulse. "I'm sorry," she said again, at a loss for exactly what to say.
Pain and sorrow filled Kim's eyes. "For a long time I thought he had been trying to shield me from what was happening." She rocked back and forth. "But no matter how he rationalized it to himself, what he was really doing was protecting himself."
Just like you. Jess's stomach lurched and bile burned the back of her throat. She struggled not to give in to the nausea.
"He didn't want to face telling me he was dying. He set all his affairs in order. I found out later, even my older brothers knew." Kim let her legs drop to the floor and turned to faced Jess fully. "I loved him so much. But right up to the end, he looked me in the eyes and lied." She captured Jess's gaze and held it. Her eyes glistened with tears, but her voice remained firm. "I can't do that again. I won't do that again."
Jess's restraint broke. She slid across the couch and wrapped her arms around Kim. "I'm so sorry. So sorry." Her words held a multitude of meaning.
The twisted knot in her stomach let go when Kim's arms wrapped around her waist.
Jess buried her face in Kim's neck, only then becoming aware of her own tears. "So sorry," she whispered again.
* * *
A soul-deep sigh escaped Kim's lips. She soothed her fingers through Jess's sweat-damp hair. Although she didn't quite remember how, they had ended up face to face, entwined on the couch. Their shared tears had mingled in a cathartic release.
Seeing Jess struggle earlier had made Kim realize just how difficult what she was asking of Jess was.
Jess had her face buried in Kim's neck.
"Jess?" Kim pulled back a little.
A whimper escaped Jess, and she tightened her arms around Kim's back.
"Come on," Kim said. "You must be smothering."
Muttering something unintelligible, Jess pressed closer.
Kim brushed Jess's hair back and placed a soft kiss on her jaw line.
Jess lifted her head. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her face was splotched with color.
Kim was sure her own appearance was a similar sight. She pressed her forehead to Jess's. "I've said it before and I'll say it again. We're quite the pair — aren't we?"
A wobbly smile trembled on Jess's lips. "Yeah."
After disentangling herself from Kim, Jess sat up. She reached down with a trembling hand and gently stroked Kim's face.
Kim leaned into the touch. After having shared her deepest pain and secret fear, there was no keeping an emotional distance from Jess. She sat up next to Jess. Her brow furrowed when Jess moved away to sit on the far side of the couch.
Jess wedged herself into the corner and drew her legs up under her. She wrapped her arms across her belly.
She's trying to comfort herself.
"Jess?"
"I should have told you. You deserve to know."
Now that Jess had admitted what Kim had suspected all along, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the details. You owe it to Jess to hear them, no matter how painful.
She faced Jess and waited.
Jess rocked back and forth. "I... It was... He..."
It killed Kim to watch Jess struggle, stopping and starting but never quite getting the words out.
This is hurting her too much. You can't force this.
"Jess. It's okay. I know."
Jess shook her head roughly. "I have to tell you." Her gaze met Kim's.
Worry gripped Kim at the look in Jess's eyes.
Jess's demeanor reminded her of an abused dog she had once seen — eyes filled with fear, yet desperate to please.
Kim moved closer, then slid off the couch and knelt in front of Jess.
"And you will tell me, but it doesn't have to be today. Whenever you're ready." Kim leaned up and softly brushed their lips together. "You're worth waiting for."
A sob escaped Jess's lips. "Thank you." She brushed at both their tears. "Will you come home? Please."
A kiss filled with all the love in Kim's heart was her answer.
CHAPTER 35
STILL HALF-ASLEEP, Jess reached for Kim's warm body and encountered empty space. She jolted into full alertness, and her eyes popped open. That was when she became aware of Kim spooned up against her back. She went limp with relief.
How did she end up behind me? She always held Kim, not the other way around. Then she remembered the dream. A cold shiver chased down her spine.
Kim stirred, and her arm tightened across Jess's belly.
She comforts me even in sleep. Jess's heart filled to overflowing with love.
Kim lifted up and placed a sleepy kiss on Jess's temple.
Shifting onto her back so she could see Kim's face, Jess smiled at her. "Morning."
"How are you doing?" Kim propped her head on her hand and used her free hand to stroke Jess's belly. "You were pretty restless last night."
"I'm fine. It was noth —"
Kim stiffened. Her hand froze on Jess's abdomen.
Don't lie. Jess bit her lip. She forced herself to meet Kim's eyes. The warmth there just a moment ago had dimmed.
"I had a bad dream." She swallowed heavily. "About the... past." Jess looked down, unable to hold Kim's gaze.
The tension drained from Kim's body. She resumed her gentle stroking of Jess's belly.
Jess braced herself for all the questions. She was determined to answer them, no matter what it cost her.