Jess pulled away. She sat down on the couch and turned so that her back was against the arm of the couch. She patted the open space between her legs. "Sit with me?"
Kim was struck by the dichotomy of the position Jess had chosen. She obviously didn't want to look at Kim while she told her, but at the same time wanted Kim sitting between her spread legs and against her chest like a protective shield.
Realizing she was falling into her clinical mode, Kim stopped herself. Jess is not a patient. You don't need to analyze to distance yourself emotionally. She was aware enough to admit that she was trying to protect herself. This was going to be very difficult to hear. Stop stalling. She looked down at Jess to see that her expression had closed off. Kim carefully took her place between Jess's legs.
Some of the strain eased for both of them when Jess wrapped her arms around Kim's abdomen and settled her close against her chest.
As the silence grew, Kim began to wonder if Jess was going be able to do this. She started when Jess placed a kiss on her temple.
"You know by now how much I need to be in control." Jess snorted self-deprecatingly. "Obviously, there's a reason for that."
Kim could feel the coiled tension of Jess's body against hers. She stroked Jess's arms.
"It happened in my senior year in high school. Not only was I a loner, but I wasn't the most feminine of girls either. I'd already gained most of my height. And at that time, I was big into lifting weights. Not too many guys were interested in dating a muscular, almost six-foot-tall girl." Jess shrugged. "And I really wasn't interested in guys that way."
Jess pulled one arm from around Kim and reached for the wine. She offered Kim a glass.
"No, thanks," Kim said. Stress was making her stomach queasy.
Keeping the wine for herself, Jess settled back in place. She took a healthy drink before returning to her story. "I realize now that I must have subconsciously known I was attracted to girls and that was why I avoided having any female friends. If there were any other gays at my small town high school, I never knew it."
Kim's heart ached for that younger Jess. It must have been so hard growing up and knowing you were different, but not realizing why. That was one advantage of attending a big city high school. Kim had been exposed to other gays in school.
"By my senior year, my mother was becoming increasingly concerned that I wasn't dating. My dad didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Anyway, it was around that time that I was approached by one of the guys on the football team. He was a big guy, six-six and well over two hundred pounds. He looked and acted like the all-American boy next door." Jess's hand stiffened on her wine glass.
But he wasn't. Bastard. Kim bit her lip to keep the comment to herself.
"My mother was thrilled when I told her David had asked me out. We started dating pretty regularly, mostly going out as a group with his football buddies and their dates. When we did go out alone, he kissed and touched me, but never anything beyond light petting. He always stopped when I asked him to. I never felt anything, but I guess I was trying to fit in and it made my mother happy," Jess said, a bitter edge to her voice.
Kim entwined her fingers with Jess's and gave her hand an understanding squeeze. Kim had been there before. Trying to make her mother happy had resulted in some of her most miserable moments. Now that Jess was talking, she didn't want to interrupt her.
Jess finished off her wine in one gulp. "You sure you don't want that?" She pointed to the other glass of wine.
"No. Go ahead," Kim said.
After exchanging the glasses, Jess was silent for several minutes.
Kim wasn't sure she was going to continue. You're doing great. Keep going.
Finally, Jess took up the story again. "We had been dating for a month when he asked me to the homecoming dance. It was a huge deal in our town. My mother was ecstatic. She took me on a special trip to San Francisco to find the perfect dress."
Hoping to comfort her, Kim stroked her hand up and down Jess's thigh. The muscles felt rock hard under her fingers.
"My parents extended my curfew to two a.m. for the night. David and his buddies had rented a hotel room so we could all hang out together after the dance. Or at least that's what I thought." Jess blew out a shaky breath. "Pretty fucking naïve, huh?"
"Jess —" Kim tried to turn in her arms, but Jess stopped her.
"Let me finish."
Kim resumed her stroking of Jess's leg.
"David had been trying to convince me to sleep with him for the two weeks leading up to the dance. He kept telling me how much he cared for me and how on homecoming night he wanted to make me truly his. I thought about it, but just wasn't sure I could go through with it." Jess pulled her free hand off Kim's belly and raked it through her hair. "We got to the hotel room, and several of David's buddies and their girlfriends were already there. The guys had gotten hold of some liquor, and we started drinking. After a couple drinks, everyone started making out with their date. When David pulled me off the couch and urged me toward another door, I really didn't think about it and followed him. I trusted him."
Jess fell silent.
Kim could feel the tension radiating off Jess in waves.
Jess's chest hitched, but she remained silent. She took several sips of her wine as if hoping it would provide her with courage.
"Jess, you don't have to tell me the details. I have a pretty good idea what happened." Kim turned in Jess's arms until she could cradle Jess's face in her palm. "It wasn't your fault. He forced you."
"No. That's just it, Kim. He didn't." Jess looked everywhere but at Kim. "I need to tell you this. I just hope..." Jess's voice deserted her for a moment. "I pray you'll still want to be with me after I tell you," she said, her voice filled with pain. Tears glistened in her eyes.
Oh, Jess. Kim could feel the frantic beat of Jess's heart against her breast. "I love you, Jess. Nothing you tell me will ever change that." She brushed her lips gently over Jess's. "Go ahead."
Jess nodded. She set her wine glass on the table, then urged Kim back around so that her back was once again against Jess's chest. She wrapped her arms around Kim's middle as if Kim were her lifeline.
"When we got into the room next door, he immediately started groping me. He had always been so gentle before, it really shocked me. He pushed me back onto the bed and lay down on top of me. I kept telling him to wait, slow down, but he wouldn't listen." Jess's breath hitched. "Before I knew it, he had pushed my dress up and was pulling my panties down."
Kim could feel tremors rippling through Jess's body. She tried to turn in Jess's arms, but Jess held her fast against her chest. She was totally caught up in the agonizing memories.
"It happened so fast," Jess said in a choked voice. "I never even realized he had his pants open until I felt him push my legs open and start probing between my thighs." Jess's arms clenched painfully tight around Kim.
Oh, God. Kim's eyes stung with repressed tears.
"He was hurting me, and I panicked. I shoved against his shoulders, trying to get him off of me. I kept saying, 'Stop, David. Please. Stop.' He pulled my hands off his shoulders and pinned them above my head. I started to protest again, but it was too late... a searing pain streaked between my legs and he was... he was..." Jess's body shook as she struggled for control.
Anger burned deep in Kim. You bastard. She tried to turn again, but Jess stopped her.
"I need to tell you... I need to tell you the rest," Jess choked out.
Kim stroked Jess's arms where they were clutched around her until she calmed enough to continue.