"I just laid there while he thrust into me, grunting in my ear. I never fought him. I just let him do what he wanted." Jess's fists clenched against Kim's stomach. "When he was finished, he got up and grinned down at me as he pulled his pants up. He stuffed my panties in his pocket. Then he patted my cheek and thanked me, smirking the whole time. We went back to the other room and he took me home as if nothing had happened. I trust..."
Jess's emotional control broke. She released her hold on Kim and broke down in great heaving sobs.
Her own tears flowing, Kim quickly moved from between Jess's legs. She edged onto the couch next to Jess's thigh so she could face her. She wrapped her arms around Jess and drew her tightly against her chest. "That's it, sweetheart. Let it all out." She petted Jess's hair and murmured softly to her as Jess purged some of the pain of the long held secret.
Finally, Jess pulled back and swiped at her tears. She tentatively peered into Kim's eyes as if afraid of what she might see.
Kim met her gaze and held it. She gently brushed at both their tears. "I love you," she said, her voice soft and tender.
Jess clutched her painfully tight to her chest. "I love you." She heaved a sigh and pulled back. "That's not the worst of it."
Not the worst? Acid poured into Kim's stomach, and she was sure she was going to be sick. What else did that fucking bastard do to Jess? Kim forced herself to be calm. She stroked her fingers through Jess's hair letting it soothe both of them. "Tell me, sweetheart."
Jess picked up the glass of wine. She downed it in a single gulp, then put the empty glass back. "When I got to school on Monday, I noticed right away all the snickers and looks I was getting from everyone. David had wasted no time. He bragged to anyone who would listen how he bagged me. He made the rest of my senior year a living hell. Every time I saw him in the hall, he smirked at me."
"I'm so sorry," Kim said, her voice shaking. She didn't know what else to say.
Jess didn't seem to hear her. She was still caught up reliving the past. "I didn't learn the rest of it until almost a month later."
Dear God. There's more? Kim tried to brace herself for what was coming.
"David was waiting for me outside the library one night. I guess he decided that humiliating me at school wasn't enough. He wanted to show off his new leather jacket and thank me. Turns out that he and one of his buddies had made a bet. They each picked an outsider, an 'untouchable' for their little game. Whoever in his words 'popped their chosen girl's cherry first' won. That's what he was thanking me for that night. Winning the bet for him."
Unable to distance herself emotionally, the depth of Jess's pain staggered Kim." Betrayed, raped, and publicly humiliated. My God, Jess. It's a wonder you've ever let anyone close.
Jess's eyes went cold and flat. "I swore right then and there I would never trust anyone like that again. It was all my fault. I allowed him to control me and then use me. I vowed I would never put myself in a position to be controlled or used again."
How can you blame yourself? Kim cradled Jess's chin gently in her hand and gazed into her eyes until some of the light came back into them. "Jess, I want you to listen to me. You're not to blame for what happened. You told him to stop, and he didn't. That's rape."
Jess pulled away. "No. I let him —"
Kim cut her off. "As a wise woman once told me, that's bull. You're not responsible for other people's actions. The only one at fault was the bastard who raped you."
"That's not true." Jess vehemently shook her head. "I didn't fight back. I let him take my power and violate me. I was weak and pathetic. I didn't claim my own power."
It sounded as if Jess was quoting someone. The phrasing struck a chord in Kim. She had heard this same crap from some of the radical women's groups when she was in college. A woman could only be raped if she chose to let it happen. It was total bullshit then, and it was total bullshit now.
White-hot anger flashed through Kim. All these years! All these years she has suffered because of something she was probably told in college. "Who told you that?"
Jess jumped. "I... um... I was having some trouble adjusting my first year in college. I saw a doctor that volunteered at the student union medical clinic for a little while. She talked a lot about taking responsibility for your actions. People could only do what you allowed them to do. And about letting people take your power."
Unable to contain herself any longer, Kim sprang off the couch and began to pace. "Was she a psychiatrist or psychologist? Or at least a trained therapist?" She gesticulated sharply with each question.
"I don't know," Jess stammered. "She called herself doctor. She was a professor at the college."
Kim threw up her hands. "Oh, and let me guess. She taught women's studies or intro to psych."
Jess swung her feet off the couch and sat up. "What? How do you know that?"
Fucking amateurs! They had no idea the damage done to young women like Jess with their horseshit! Kim's hands clenched. She struggled to get control of her temper. Blowing out a breath, she scrubbed her hands over her face. She looked down at Jess, who was staring at her with wide, shocked eyes.
Kim sat down next to Jess and took both of Jess's hands in hers. "I need you to really hear me. You've told me over and over what a good psychiatrist I am, and that you trust my judgment." She locked gazes with Jess. "Trust me on this. I would not lie to you." Her hands tightened on Jess's. "What that woman told you was total bullshit. It was never your fault. Period."
She stroked the backs of Jess's hands. She could see the wheels turning in Jess's head as she tried to re-evaluate all that she had believed for so long. Kim knew things wouldn't change overnight, and Jess would need lots of repeated reassurance. But now that she knew what they were dealing with, they had a real chance at a life together.
Jess met Kim's gaze. For the first time, in far too long, her beautiful blue eyes were filled with hope. "So where do we go from here?"
Kim released Jess's hands and moved to straddle her lap. She brushed away the last traces of Jess's tears. "We go on with our lives — together." She smoothed her fingers through Jess's hair and smiled — already sure of Jess's answer. "If that's what you want?"
A heartwarming smile spread across Jess's face. Her eyes danced with light. She slipped her hand into the hair at the nape of Kim's neck and gently drew her close. Her lips inches from Kim's, she whispered, "I do," before closing the distance and sealing the deal.
Epilogue
Seven Months Later
LAUGHING, JESS raced across the deck. Oh, she's going to make you pay for that. She pulled open the patio door.
"You better run," Kim called from behind her.
Jess dashed into the living room. The slap of her bare feet against the wood floor echoed in the empty room. She tugged her towel tighter around her chest as she made a break for the hall.
Rapid footsteps sounded behind her.
She glanced back and saw Kim hot on her heels.
Kim had a towel on as well, only hers was wrapped around her hair. The rest of her was gloriously bare.
Oh, man. No fair. Jess's steps faltered. Her momentary inattention cost her. Ah. Shit. Her feet slid on the freshly buffed wood floor, and she grabbed at the wall to keep from falling.
Kim was on her in a flash. "Got you now." She grabbed for Jess's towel.
Not yet you don't, but hopefully soon. Jess grinned. She was having too good a time to end the game now. She stuck out her tongue and let go of her towel. Jess sprinted naked toward the bedroom.
"You're going to get it, McKenna."