He was a muscle man too, a big man, even bigger, if not so trim. I don't mind admitting, that's how I liked 'em, or thought I did, big hunks of men. What more could a girl want than a big hunk of man? And I knew he had his eyes on me, down there on the next row of bins, I knew he had his feelers out. Whereas Romany Jim wouldn't grant you a glance, a flick of his head, not while you might be looking back. And Jack never thought it was man's work either, with those big hefty hands. Oh, all shrunk to the bone. Like picking flowers, he said. She loves me, she loves me not. Like counting buttons. I said, 'So what d'you come for?'
He said, 'Reasons.' And I said, 'So what d'you do when you're not picking hops?' and he said, 'Be telling, wouldn't it?' But someone whispered in my ear, when they saw how the wind was blowing, 'Butcher's boy,' and he gave the game away anyway when we took that walk, Sunday evening, round by the farmyard and stopped to look at the pigs, and he eyed 'em over like he was looking at something familiar from a new point of view, like he was weighing out sausages.
Like picking flowers, threading beads. But it was hops that brought us together, it was hop-picking that started it. The way your life gets fixed for you. Drink up, Vincey, have some more baby-juice. And it was pickings of another kind that clinched it. It's all pickings.
He brings round a bundle of newspaper with about two pound of runner beans wrapped up inside that he said he got from one of Wick's hands, though for all I knew he'd rifled 'em direct, and says did I want 'em? And I say, Yes, if he'll help me top and tail and string 'em, like I was doing him a favour. Uncle Bert and Benny were down the Leather Bottle, drinking hop-juice, spending tokens, leaving me to do supper, and he'd have been down there too if he hadn't also been spying out his moment. Runner beans. He said, 'All right.' So I went inside the hut and got a saucepan, two knives, a colander. You used to have to take everything like that, pots, pans, washtubs, the lot, like refugees. Then I went to the standpipe for water and came back and gave him one of the knives and only then did I flash him a smile, a real you-never-know smile, like a traffic light on amber. You never know how one thing leads to another.
Then I sat down on the hut step and spread the beans out on the paper on the grass in front of me and I put the saucepan down on the step beside me, deliberate, because there was room there for two. I said, 'There's a chair inside if you want it,' and he said he was all right sitting on the grass. Copping more leg. I tossed him a runner and I could tell he'd never strung beans before. He might've known how to chop brisket but he didn't know how to string beans. I said, 'This way.' Then I jammed the colander between my thighs so my skirt all rucked and tightened up. I said, 'Chuck 'em in here. See if we can't fill it.' Because I wanted him to see, I wanted him to know, if it wasn't plain as pie, that there was a bowl there, a whole bowl of me waiting. Unless he thought it was like a piece of armour. So we started filling the bowl. He aimed and he threw, rather than reaching across and dropping, and of course some of those bean slices started missing, some of them missed by a long way, some of them went down the front of my frock. It was an old cream thing with blue flowers on and buttons down the front. I suppose he was looking at those buttons, counting them. So we filled the colander. And I said, 'What next?' twisting a strand of hair around my finger. I said, 'Uncle Bert and Benny won't be back for a while yet,' the colander still between my legs. 'Unless you was thinking of joining them?' He said he wasn't thinking of doing that, looking at the beans. So I said, 'Wait there. You can take me for a walk.' Then I picked up the colander and stood up, shaking bits of bean out of myself, tutting, and I picked up the saucepan and took them inside and came out again, smiling, and he was smiling too.
I thought, What are you doing, Amy Mitchell, what are you doing? You don't even know this boy. You don't even fancy him, not that much, not so much. But the air was soft and ripe and still. And there was that feeling inside me, between me, like a bowl. And who should we see as we crossed the road by the pond but Romany Jim, with his horse. Clip-clop. Things come together in this world to make things happen, that's all you can say. They come together.
But you'll never know, June, that that was how you came together. Or not quite together, not quite. Like Jack won't ever know it was the sight of that gypsy. The things that do and don't get told. You'll never know, you never had the chance, about warm August nights and colanders. You'll never know, you'll never need to and maybe you're better off as you are, how one thing leads to another. If you lead a man to water, he'll drink. And there you are with your bellyful, trying to tell yourself that you're no more to blame than he is, but feeling anyhow, you can't help it, that you've got him on a rope, saying, I do, I will, in a borrowed suit, with the rest of them looking on like butter wouldn't melt. Hitched, they call it.
But it was only after you arrived that I felt him tug away, tug and twist and turn against me at the same time, as if it really was all my fault now, my problem, not his. There you are, you see, look what happens. And it would've been better all along, wouldn't it, if we'd done what other couples do when a hot night in a hop-field catches up with them?
But I thought, It's not a punishment, because one thing leads to another, it's not a punishment. The important thing is not to take it as a punishment.
I don't know how I scraped up the money No hop-picking that summer. How could we? No extra shillings. And this extra mouth to feed. Except it was being fed for us, it was being taken out of our hands. I nearly got down on my knees with Dad and with Uncle Bert. I said, Jack and me never had no honeymoon, did we? And now, and now. Have a heart.
I think I was ready to ditch you then, I think I came as near as I ever did to chucking you.
I said to Jack, We're going to Margate for the weekend. No, don't ask, all fixed. Just get your old man to give you the time off. Say it's your honeymoon. Steamer from Tower Bridge. Wanting him to say, to show, that if he didn't want her, then he'd better still want me, he'd better. Wanting me to say or show that it was all right if he didn't want her, so long as he still wanted me. You won't ever have to know, June, what hard-nosed little tricksies we can be.
I bought a new summer frock. Undies, shoes, stockings, swimsuit, the lot. Uncle Bert went and hocked his grandfather clock.
And the sun came out, like it was on our side, and the waves sparkled and I wore my new frock, etcetera. Except the mother inside you sneaks up on you when you least want it. You won't ever have to know that either. Even when you're only eighteen and you're at the seaside, ice-cream and Punch and Judy, in a new swimsuit, and men are eyeing you. Yes they were, left, right and centre. I must've looked like I was anyone's.
I thought, Well you had your chance, well I gave you your chance.
The Pier, the Jetty, the Sands. Dreamland.
I thought the war might change things, put everything in its place. So you think you've got troubles. Bombs whistling down on Bermondsey, whole streets going. I thought, He might be killed. Or I might. Or you might. A stray bomb on a home for the hopeless, no one need grieve, a mercy really. What hard-nosed. But what the war did was to push things further the way they'd gone. It was me and you together, no one else near and dear, and it was Jack far away being a soldier, not being killed, being one of the lads again.