A few possible solutions came to mind, but they all seemed unnecessarily hurtful. She could tell Dr. Ramirez that Van made her uncomfortable, that she didn’t feel safe being alone with him. It wouldn’t even be a lie exactly. But then her boss might assume Van had done something, which, okay, he kind of had. Though he hadn’t done anything she’d felt threatened by. And she knew the deal. If he didn’t make it through this program, he was done. The last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize his recovery or his career.
His expression was open, almost sad, as he waited for her verbal response while reading the obvious horror on her face.
“Um, wow. Okay. I didn’t know that,” was all she managed.
“You don’t look too excited for the company. I’ll try to stay out of your way,” he bit out.
“It’s not… I mean, it’s not personal. It’s just I like to be, um, alone.”
“You like to be, um, alone? Really?” He glared at her before huffing out a humorless laugh. “That the best you can do? Because if I make you uncomfortable, cowgirl, you can say so.”
Her fists clenched at her sides. “It’s just—”
“And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone I heard you down here spilling your guts to your four-legged friends. Our secret.”
He smirked at her, and anger, guilt, and bitter regret swirled together inside her chest. She’d hurt him with her response. Hurt this big tough guy who’d said that he didn’t have feelings. And for reasons she didn’t care to analyze, she hated herself for it.
“Don’t be an ass,” she snapped. “I didn’t mean to be rude. In fact, I rarely am rude. You seem to bring out the worst in me.”
“At last. You finally admit I have an effect on you.” He winked.
She became aware of her own erratic breathing and began to measure out careful breaths to keep calm. “Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Ransom.”
“Can I ask you something, cowgirl? Off the record, of course.”
She raised her eyebrows at the unexpected turn in topic. “Of course.”
“If I fuck you—or rather, when I fuck you, because, let’s face it, we both know you’re just delaying the inevitable here—are you going to keep calling me that?”
Her gasp was audible, but her speech center apparently shut off because words didn’t reach her lips. They just slammed together in her brain as she stormed past him.
“Hold up, cowgirl. Dammit. I’m sorry. Don’t run off and—”
She whirled on him abruptly as he followed her out of the barn. “Let’s get one thing straight right now, Mr. Ransom. The only thing I’m going to call you is delusional. Because clearly you are.”
She poked him hard in the chest and he grabbed her wrist, pulling her to his dangerously enticing body. Stella’s eyes darted around. Now that they were out of the protective shelter of the barn, anyone could see them. She felt complicit in this forbidden interaction. Neither of them needed the prying eyes of her colleagues witnessing this and reporting it to Dr. Ramirez. She hadn’t forgotten the warnings and reminders about inappropriate relations between employees and clients. It would get her immediately fired and Van kicked out. Why he was willing to risk his entire career for a random woman, she couldn’t figure out. But she sure wasn’t willing to risk hers.
“You seem to bring out something in me too, sweetheart. But I shouldn’t have said that, not when you obviously weren’t ready to hear it. And I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“Y-you. You…” Had he upset her? Flustered—she was definitely flustered. He’d confused her. Pulled the world she knew out from under her and thrust things at her she had no clue how to handle. “You make me…”
“Yeah. I can see that,” he said with a tentative smile. “You make me too, cowgirl.”
She rolled her eyes and stood perfectly still as he retrieved a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pocket of the shirt of his she was wearing.
“You smoke?” she asked, not making an attempt to hide her disgust. Frowning, she pulled the cigarette from his lips and handed it to him. “Not around me you don’t. Sure you want to help out down at the barn?”
He arched a brow and slid the pack back into his pocket. “Compared to what I was doing a week ago, smoking a cigarette now and then is nothing.”
“Tell that to people in chemo.”
“It really bothers you?” he asked, his face still mere inches from hers.
“It does.” She nodded, maintaining eye contact.
“Then I won’t do it around you. Scout’s honor.”
Stella couldn’t help but smile. “Why do I have the distinct impression that you were never a Boy Scout?”
He grinned in response. “Because I wasn’t. I kicked a few of their asses as a kid though. Does that count?”
She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t.”
Pulling out of his reach, she turned toward her bungalow. Feeling his presence close behind her, she stiffened. “Van,” she whispered without turning back to face him. “Whatever this is… We can’t. You get that, right?”
“Relax, cowgirl. I won’t bite,” he said low in her ear. “Well, that’s not entirely true, but I promise you’ll like it when I do.”
She turned and placed both hands firmly on his chest. “That. That right there. You have to stop that. I’m serious.”
“Because it turns you on and you’re scared you might give in and admit you want me?”
“Because it’s inafreakingproppriate! How do you not see that?”
“Stella Jo, just because I’m me and you’re—”
“No, just stop. Please stop.” She shook her head. “You want me to admit that I’m attracted to you? Fine. I have eyes. I get the appeal. Tattooed bad boy. You certainly have that tortured-soul thing going for you. But I am not one of your damn groupies. Period. I am an employee in a facility that you checked into to get help. Help with a serious problem, not just help getting off. So please. Stop this.”
“Okay,” he said evenly. “Breathe, beautiful. Before you hyperventilate and pass out on me.”
Unable to mask the reaction this interaction was having on her, she did as he said and took a few slow, deep breaths.
“Van,” she said, his name a soft plea on her lips. “This job is important to me. I’m happy here. I feel at home. Wanted. Needed. I never felt that way before. Not in my own home and not with college roommates. I belong here. I want to be here.”
He opened his mouth to speak but she placed a finger against his lips. She tried to ignore the thrill that raced through her at the sensation of touching his lips.
“And you can’t afford to be kicked out for having an indiscretion with an employee. I’m sure there will be women lined up to be with you when you get out of here.”
His smoldering stare almost broke her resolve. But she knew she was right and that they needed to stop this before it went any further. Apparently he knew too because he backed up a step and glanced around.
“But you won’t be in that line, will you?”
Stella closed her eyes briefly to keep him out of her head. “You don’t even know me.”
“Feels like I do,” was all he said.
When she looked up into his face, she was slightly relieved to see that he’d begun surveying the surrounding property. She watched as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and sighed.
“I don’t want to mess this up for you, cowgirl,” he relented, backing up a step. “I’ll behave from now on. Or I’ll try to at least.” With a wink and a small grin, he turned to leave.
“Van,” Stella called out softly, surprising both him and herself. “Um, it’s just…” She waved a hand between them. “You know, there’s a reason they refer to y’all as clients instead of patients here.”