Arseny saw the perfection of their union in the fact that their seclusion did not burden Ustina. He felt she saw the reason and purpose of this sort of life with the same sharpness as he. And even if she did not see it, well, she had, quite simply, grown infinitely weary from roaming, and so accepted his constant presence as undeserved good fortune.
In the evenings they read. They used an oil lamp so as not to keep having to stand up and change the splinter lamps. The lamp burned dully but evenly. Arseny read because Ustina was not literate.
Thanks to Arseny, she heard for the first time of Antiphon’s prophesies for Alexander. The ruler of the whole world, Antiphon said, will die on the iron earth under a sky of ivory. And Alexander was seized by fear in the land of copper. That fear glimmered from the duskiness of Ustina’s eyes. And Alexander ordered his warriors to study the earth’s composition. After studying the earth’s composition, they found inside it only copper, without iron. Alexander, who had a soul stronger than iron, commanded that they continue their forward movement. And so they moved along the copper earth and the clopping of horse hooves on copper sounded to them like thunder...
Ustina tenderly touched Arseny’s shoulder.
Understodest thou what thou redest or dost thou but turn the pages?
Ustina clasped her arms around her knees, pressing more firmly into Arseny. She asked him to read without hurrying. He nodded but began hurrying again without noticing. The five pages they had allocated for the evening were read faster and faster each time and Ustina asked Arseny again and again what made him hurry so. He pressed his cheek to her cheek instead of answering. A jealous thought was arising, that in the evening time Alexander interested her more than Arseny.
Sometimes they read of the Centaur. The Centaur carried his wife in his ear so as to hide her from others. Arseny wanted to carry Ustina in his ear, too, but had no such capacity.
At the end of March, Ustina said:
A babe is in my wombe, for the custom of women is come upon me.
As she said this, she pressed her palms into the wood of the bench, slouching a little, and looking beyond Arseny. Arseny was throwing logs into the stove at that moment. He took a step toward Ustina and knelt before her. His hand was still squeezing a log. It fell and resonantly rolled along the floor. Arseny burrowed his face into Ustina’s red shirt. He felt her hand—loving and weak of will—on the back of his neck. With a soft motion, he laid Ustina on the bench and slowly, fold by fold, began lifting her shirt. After baring her belly, he pressed his lips to it. Ustina’s belly was as flat as a valley and her skin was firm. An anxious line of ribs bounded her stomach. And nothing foretold of changes. Nothing indicated who was inside and preparing to break those lines. As he glided his lips along her belly, Arseny grasped that only Ustina’s pregnancy could express his immeasurable love, that it was he growing throughout Ustina. He felt happiness that he now existed, constantly, within Ustina. He was an integral part of her.
Arseny grasped that Ustina’s new condition would make her even more dependent on him. That may be why the fear of losing her lessened slightly while, on the other hand, the tenderness he felt toward her took on an unprecedented keenness. Arseny experienced tenderness when he saw the eagerness with which Ustina had begun to eat. Her appetite seemed funny even to her. She snorted and breadcrumbs flew all over. Arseny experienced tenderness when Ustina’s face grew gray and she felt nauseous. He got nutmeg oil and fed it to Ustina from a spoon. He slowly pulled the spoon toward himself, his eyes following as Ustina’s lips glided over it. And he also tirelessly delighted in her eyes, which had become completely different in pregnancy. Something damp and vulnerable had appeared in them. Something reminding Arseny of a calf’s eyes.
Sometimes sadness shone through those eyes. The isolated existence with Arseny was, undoubtedly, her happiness. But it was something else, too, that was becoming more noticeable with each passing day. Arseny, who seemed like the whole world to her, still could not replace the whole world. The feeling of isolation from life with others begot anxiety in Ustina. And Arseny saw that.
One day, Ustina asked if they could purchase some women’s clothing for her. She had been wearing the same clothes as Arseny for the whole time she had been living with him.
Is it unpleasant to wear my clothes? Arseny asked.
It is pleasant, sweetheart, very pleasant, it is just that I would like to wear something of my own. I am a woman after all...
Arseny promised to think. He truly did think but his deliberations came to nothing. He could not buy a woman’s dress without revealing the secret of Ustina. There was nobody he could trust with the task. And there could be no discussion of sending Ustina to the quarter alone. In the first place, it would take no effort whatsoever for the villagers to find out where she had come from and, in the second place, well, Arseny loudly sighed and felt a lump rolling in his throat. He could not imagine Ustina leaving him for even half a day.
After some time had passed, she reminded Arseny of her request, but did not receive an answer. A few weeks later, it was already too late to think about buying anything: Ustina’s enlarged belly would have made it impossible to go and find suitable clothing. So then she began altering Arseny’s things for herself.
Not going to Communion worried him far more than clothing. Arseny was afraid to go to church because the road to the Eucharist ran through Confession. And Confession meant telling about Ustina. He did not know what response he would receive. To marry? He would have been happy to marry. But what if they said to leave her? Or live in different places for a time? He did not know what they might say, because nothing like this had ever happened to him before. In his fear of disobeying, Arseny did not go to church and did not confess. Nor did Ustina go.
One day she asked:
Will you take me as your wife?
You are my wife, who I love more than life itself.
I want to be yours, O Arseny, before God and man.
Be patient, my love. He kissed her in the dimple over her clavicle. You will be my wife before God and man. Just be patient for a while, my love.
They went into the forest almost every day. In the beginning that was not at all simple because there was still deep snow in the forest. They walked, stumbling in snow up to their knees, but they walked nevertheless. Arseny knew Ustina needed fresh air. Furthermore, even a difficult outing like this was better for her than sitting at home. Shod in Christofer’s boots, Ustina often got blisters on the soles of her feet. Winding her feet with scraps of fabric did not help the situation. The size actually did matter, even though boots were sewn from soft leather in those days, albeit without considering the difference between the left and right feet. Ustina’s feet were very different from Christofer’s.
Ustina followed, right in Arseny’s tracks. They walked along the exact same path each morning, and each morning they trampled a new path as if for the first time, because it had been covered with fresh snow during the course of a day. Drifted snow smoothed over their trampled path even if there had been no fresh snowfall. A strong wind always blew in the open space between the cemetery and the forest.