“It’s not fucking okay, Casen!” she shouts, jumping up from the log, stopping me mid-pace. “I was a teenager, what was I supposed to do? I don’t have any memory of what happened. I’ve always blamed Preston because he brought me drinks and I was in his care, so I figured he and Amber were the ones who arranged it. This is something I’ve tried to forget about, to move past, and you’re asking me to jump right back into the pile of shit which was my adolescence. No thanks.”
The heat of her anger radiates off her. More than ever, I want to tuck her into my arms and never let her go. I want to make her feel safe, make her feel loved; I want to fill the void, which I now know is there.
“I just want you to feel safe,” I shout back, moving within inches of her. “I want you to know you aren’t alone.”
Silence hangs in the air, the sound of our breathing is all that is noticeable. Before she can reject me, I twist my fingers into her sweatshirt and pull her even closer. “I want you to know you’re wanted. You’re worth it.”
I’m hesitant for a moment, but when I see her eyes bounce to my lips and then to my eyes again, I take it as an invitation to proceed. With as much conviction as I can, I smash my mouth onto her lips. They are as soft as I remember, but now there are remnants of salt from her tears. She opens her mouth, allowing me to explore her more fully. I grasp onto her tightly and let myself get lost in the damaged beauty of this woman.
I lift her tiny body off the ground and her hands immediately wrap around my neck as her fingers crawl into my hair. The sensation of her hands on my body electrifies me, but my mind soon takes over and I know I can’t let it go any farther. This is the most inappropriate thing in the world to be doing after everything she told me. Letting it go past this kiss will make me no better than those other guys.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I say, dropping her back down to the ground and stepping away. Tears begin to build in her eyes. She looks confused and rejected, and I want nothing more than to get away from that look.
I step closer once more, placing my hands on either side of her face and letting my forehead rest upon hers. “I want you, Jen. More than anything, I want you to be mine. But not like this.” I kiss her forehead and walk away toward the trail, which surrounds the campsite.
Walking away takes every bit of willpower I have, but I refuse to be some guy she would add to the list of douchebags who took advantage of her. I don’t want to be a guy she was with one random weekend. I want to be the guy she’s with forever.
Jen
Casen has been gone for hours, but I can still feel the tingle on my lips from his kiss. I kiss guys all the time. Wait, that sounds slutty. I’ve kissed many guys in my adult life, and never have any of them made me feel the way Casen does. A single touch from him can make every ounce of my body vibrate with anticipation.
I had hoped he would let his resolve down for just another moment to allow us to explore the flirtation we had been dancing around for months. Instead of staying put and kissing me like I wish he would have, he walked away from me, panting and restraining himself.
Henri has been my companion in the camper. The lug is starting to grow on me. I’ve been tossing and turning, but when I hear the sound of a guitar outside I’m roused from the surprisingly soft bed. I don’t find it as comfortable as it should be without Casen in it with me. I never thought I would admit to wanting a man to stay the night with me in an emotional rather than sexual capacity. Yet, here I am, yearning for Casen in any way I can get him.
I wrap myself in the same fleece blanket from our campfire chat and follow the sound of Casen’s guitar. Quickly closing the door behind me as not to let Hendrix out, I sneak down the steps in a stealth-like manner, which would rival Mission Impossible. Now wearing a grey beanie to keep warm, Casen is sitting on the same log where we had shared our most guarded secrets hours earlier. His eyes are closed, lightly gripping onto his acoustic guitar. It’s the most beautiful sight; it’s like he is the music, the guitar is an extension of his body. This man was born to do this.
It takes a moment to decipher the song he’s playing. “Moonlight Sonata” is one of the most recognizable songs, but I’ve never heard it played on the guitar. I’ve always loved the song; its melancholy rhythm always spoke to me. It had seeped into my soul, like it was written just for me. This version, while different, is mesmerizing.
I don’t want him to notice me and stop playing, so I stand as still as possible at the bottom of the stairs and listen. Closing my eyes, I let the sound envelop me, losing myself in the melody. All time is lost until I hear Casen’s voice boom over the music and my eyes slide open.
“You should be sleeping,” he says, propping his guitar against the log.
“I couldn’t. I was lonely.” I move closer to him. “That was beautiful,” I add, pointing to his instrument.
“I needed to clear my head. Sorry I disturbed you.”
“No, not at all,” I cut him off. “I needed to hear that song tonight. I just wish you would have played it for me in there,” I say suggestively, nodding in the direction of the camper. My bravery momentarily shines through as I add the last line, realizing the words may be the biggest risk of my life. I’ve never been more afraid of rejection than I am right now standing in front of Casen.
He rubs his hands up and down his face and then takes his beanie off and runs his fingers through his soft, messy hair. “Please don’t tempt me, Jen,” he whispers, focusing his eyes on the beanie he’s now weaving through his fingers. “It’s taking every bit of willpower I have not to carry you into that camper and do all the things I hoped of doing since I had my first taste of you.”
I close the distance between us and take his chin in my hand, forcing his eyes to meet mine. “I know you think being with me right now would put you in the same category as every other guy who has hurt me, used me.” I take his hand in mine, lacing our finger together. “You need to understand, though, you’re not taking anything I don’t want to give you.”
Casen delicately kisses the back of my hand and then rests my hand against his cheek. “If we take this step, there’s no going back for me. I want something real, something that is just me and you. Is that something you can give me?”
“I admit I’ve never had that before. Honestly, I had never met a man I wanted for longer than a night. You’re different, Casen. With you, I wouldn’t want anything less than everything.”
I drop my hand from his and wrap the oversized blanket around both of us. All reservations he has fade from his face, and a smile, which clenches my heart, replaces the apprehension. As soon as I smile back, Casen stands and lifts me in the air to carry me back to the camper. There are no more words, just his lips on mine. I wrap my legs around his strong core and hold on to this gorgeous man.
He moves quickly as if he’s afraid if he takes too much time one of us might change our mind. As soon as we’re inside the camper and in the bedroom, we break apart only long enough to chase Henri out of the room. Casen sprawls me out on top of the fluffy duvet, taking a second to stare down at me. Only in a Broncos T-shirt and panties, I would think I would feel self-conscience about Casen perusing my body with his eyes like this, but I don’t. I feel beautiful. No more hiding, no more avoiding my past. I thought he would run when he found out, but he knows my secret and still wants me.
Casen slides out of his shoes and crawls up the bed, eventually caging me in with his solid arms. “Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are?” he murmurs as he hovers over me.