“You’re freaking me out. What in the hell is going on?” She takes a step away from me, but I pull her back into my embrace.
“I want you to know I love you, and what I’ve done, I did because I love you. I know this is the first time I’ve told you that, but I do. I love you, and I need you to hear it and believe it.”
She reaches up and lightly brushes her hand against my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into her hand, memorizing her touch. “I love you too, Casen. Now tell me what you did.” Noticing my distress, her voice is soft and comforting.
“I made some phone calls and invited some people to meet us tonight. I didn’t think you would ever do this on your own, so I’m giving you the nudge I think you need. They’re in the dressing room waiting for you. If you want, I can go in with you, or I can wait out here. I’ll do whatever you ask.”
Her brows pull together briefly before she yanks her hand from mine and storms off down the hall toward the dressing room. She stops in front of the door and pauses with her hand on the doorknob. She looks at me one last time, before twisting the knob and pushing the door open. Standing in the doorway, frozen in place, she stares at Maggie and Abby who are waiting on the other side of the doorway.
She closes the door and hastily returns to me. “Leave,” she demands. She is shaking and on the verge of tears. The last thing I want to do is leave her when she’s like this, especially because my actions caused this.
“Jen, please—” I begin to plead, but her shout interrupts me.
“I said leave,” she screams, her tiny hands finding strength in her rage to push me away. “How dare you go behind my back and do this. Seeing them was my decision, not yours.”
Her anger radiates off her and I realize nothing I say will tear down her wrath right now. The best I can do is respect her wishes at the moment, and hope she forgives me later.
“I’m sorry, Jen. I just thought this reunion wouldn’t have happened without a little help. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Maybe it wouldn’t have, but it was my choice to make,” she sighs, tears filling her eyes. “Please, Casen. Just go. I can’t do this right now.” She looks down at the floor, unable to look at me anymore, leaving me nothing left to do except leave.
I kiss her head and allow my fingers to run through her silky hair. I feel her take a ragged breath under my hand, and it rips my heart from my chest.
“Please,” she whispers.
I nod and walk out the backdoor; leaving my heart behind, I hope it makes its way back to me.
Jen
My legs won’t move. I’m torn between running out to the parking lot and getting as far away as possible, and going back to the dressing room to meet the daughter who was taken from me, the person I didn’t think I deserved.
I’ve held onto my aunt’s letter for a month, trying to decide what to do. Eventually I would have reached out to them, but when I first read it, and every time since, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. I’m conflicted with a number of intimidating thoughts: Fear of rejection, fear of having to explain where I’ve been and why I haven’t been in her life, fear of telling her how she came to be. Talking about those things makes them real, and for the last decade I’ve done a great job of avoiding it all. When I left my aunt’s home I shoved all those cruel memories deep down, hoping that they would never resurface. It wasn’t until Casen that I was forced to face my hurtful past. Now, my previous life is sitting on the other side of the door waiting for me.
Gathering every bit of courage I can find, I slowly take the twenty steps to the dressing room door. Before I can change my mind, I turn the knob and open the door. Taking the first step into the room, I let fate take over from there.
“Hi, sweetheart,” my aunt says, rushing to me and pulling me into her arms. “I’m so glad you came back.”
“I just needed a minute, but I’m ready now,” I tell her quietly. “Does she know about me?” I ask her, afraid of what the answer might be.
“Jen, honey, she knows everything. She is so excited to meet you.” Her reassurance provides so much relief. The knot in my stomach loosens and for once, I think I can actually go through with this.
Maggie takes my hand and guides me to the couch, where my daughter is patiently yet nervously waiting for me. It’s amazing how much she looks like me. Her brown eyes and blonde hair remind me of myself at her age and I’m overwhelmed with grief for all the things in her life I missed out on. First steps, first words, first day of school. I missed it all. I’m jealous of my aunt’s involvement in Abby’s life, and simultaneously I’m thankful that she cared enough to do what she did for me.
Maggie lightly grabs Abby’s hand and pulls her up from the couch so we’re face-to-face. “Jen, this is your daughter Abby. Abby, sweetheart, this is your mom.”
Maggie’s introduction was so simple, yet her words hit me like a giant freaking boulder. I’m a mom. I never let myself even consider the words before, because the label was taken from me. But Maggie has given it back to me. I’m Abby’s mom and I’ve never wanted anything more.
I reach out my hand to shake hers, unsure of what the situation calls for. I want to hug her, I want to tell her I’m sorry this happened to us. Yet I don’t know where the boundaries are and I don’t want to mess this up. Instead of the momma bear hug I want to give her which would rival Vivian’s, I reach my hand out like an olive branch, hoping forgiveness finds its way to the other end.
Though, instead of a hand, Abby jumps into my arms, wrapping her little arms around my waist and squeezing so hard it knocks the wind out of me. “I’m so glad you’re here, Mom,” Abby says excitedly.
I place my hands on her head and smooth her wild hair down with tears running down my cheeks. I take a deep breath, the strain in my throat making it difficult to breathe. “There isn’t anywhere I would rather be, baby girl. I’m not going anywhere, anymore.”
As angry as I was with Casen for intruding on this, now that I’m holding Abby in my arms all of my rage has disappeared. I don’t know how to thank him for forcing me to take the leap I’m not sure I would have done on my own. He helped return the most valuable thing I’ve ever lost, and I wish he was here to be a part of the homecoming. I can never thank him enough for bringing my daughter back to me. He created a family for me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay the debt.
Jen
“Am I understanding this correctly? Casen found your aunt’s letter about the daughter you were forced to give up for adoption, who your aunt actually hid instead and he arranged a reunion for you all?” Vivian asks, throwing herself onto her plush loveseat and digging into a bag of Snickers.
I nod, insecure about my friends’ reactions to my tainted past.
“And you haven’t seen him since that night?” Carly adds, throwing a few Skittles into her mouth.
“He’s texted me and I’ve texted back, but I haven’t seen him. I don’t know what to say. I’m thankful for what he did, but I’m embarrassed at the same time. I never told him about Abby. I’ve spent the last decade trying to forget she existed. I never in a million years thought I would have a chance to see her again, let alone be her mother.” The entire situation has made me physically sick. This week away from him has plagued my body to the point I think I’ve caught the flu.
“So, is she going to come live with you? What’s the plan?” Vivian asks.
I slide off of the couch onto the floor and bury my face in my hands. I’m sure I’ve smeared whatever makeup is left on my face. “We’re taking things slow. We have some visits planned to get to know each other, and we’ll take it from there,” I explain.