ME: i hate new experiences
CYRUS: emasculating teasing. Something about that being what was wrong with poets
ME: the new poems are great, btw
CYRUS: I guess I should mention we were smoking a lot of that Acapulco Gold
ME: so what happened with
CYRUS: or whatever it is. Very staticky. Or at least I’d been smoking it. Vaguely reminiscent, incidentally, of certain Topeka strains, but more powerful. Anyway we walked along the river and it eventually opened out and where it was wider we encountered some people swimming
ME: americans?
CYRUS: Locals. There are no tourists here in winter, it seems
ME: right
CYRUS: There were two men swimming, or one swimming and one more like wading. The current looked pretty strong. One of the men, his girlfriend was on the bank — in a swimsuit — and he was trying to convince her to get in, to swim
ME: don’t like where this is going. she was scared of the current?
CYRUS: Maybe. Maybe just the cold
ME: what is the weather like there
ME: madrid: cold and raining constantly
CYRUS: Warm to hot. It was like 80. Which is unseasonably warm, I guess. The air is filthy. But the water still chilly. Anyway, Jane — we were on the opposite bank as the swimmer’s girlfriend — Jane wanted to swim
ME: she had a swimsuit?
CYRUS: and did get in the water, although I told her I didn’t think
CYRUS: Yes, we both had swimsuits on under our clothes. It was not, I told her, a good idea, because of the current
ME: knowing her, i’m sure that was a goad
ME: might egg her on
CYRUS: Yes. She got in and while the current was strong was fine. Then the other swimmers, they were saying to the girlfriend, see, this girl got in, no problem, and then Jane started telling me to come into the water. So there I was opposite the girlfriend on the bank, both of us being pressured by the swimmers to join them. The girlfriend and I kept looking at each other with nervous smiles
ME: if one of you got in the other would have to
CYRUS: I felt that
ME: a game of chicken. you two should have left the others and gone off and had
CYRUS: Or at least if she got in I would have to. But she probably could have remained on the bank
ME: a wonderful life together!
ME: right. she would not be emasculated
CYRUS: but I was, I admit, feeling the pressure. Jane was there with these other men in the water, the current clearly manageable. I felt cowardly and American
ME: you have to stay strong — cowardice of your convictions
CYRUS: Yeah, well, I got in. The current was actually stronger than I imagined. There were pockets of strong current. Where the river narrowed a little farther down I could see what looked like serious rapids
ME: and then the girlfriend jumped in
CYRUS: Well
CYRUS: not at first. But now everyone kind of turned to her. We’d all become one group, somehow. And her boyfriend had changed from teasing her to encouraging her, his arms open, lovingly — it’s fine, I promise, I’ll protect you, etc. We were
ME: how bad is this going to get?
CYRUS: also encouraging her, I think. And laughing and screaming at the cold she jumped in. She was fine at first
ME:!
CYRUS: but as she kind of splashed around — she didn’t really know how to swim, it didn’t seem. I don’t know, she moved somewhat downriver where the current became pretty strong, and she was getting upset
ME: so someone went and helped her?
CYRUS: Things
CYRUS: things got very bad very fast. she went underwater for a second, and when she resurfaced, she was a little farther down and totally panicked
ME: jesus
CYRUS: She was screaming and water was
ME: jesus
CYRUS: getting in her mouth and she was struggling against the current in the wrong way
ME: couldn’t somebody get her
CYRUS: Her boyfriend was trying but there were enough stones and other shit that it was taking awhile. And he wasn’t much of a swimmer either, didn’t know, I don’t think, what to expect from or how to manage the rapids. Jane tried to go
ME: tried to catch her?
CYRUS: Yes. I held her back. As I was holding her back I saw the girlfriend go under again, then reemerge briefly another, I don’t know, ten feet down
ME: fuck
CYRUS: where the rapids were intense, and then she was really swept downriver. So
CYRUS: so Jane and I ran back onto the bank and to the truck and then, yelling something about what we were doing to the other swimmers — the friend was holding the boyfriend back who was now screaming — screaming in a very primal way, you understand — not screaming words. So we drove downriver hoping to get in front of her, to fish her out of the river or something
CYRUS: You there?
ME: i’m here
CYRUS: So we had to return to the main road and then floored it for a little while then jumped out of the truck and rushed back down to the water. We could still hear the boyfriend screaming
ME: but you got in front of her
CYRUS: The river had widened again and then there was some sort of dam, and she went over the dam before we could figure out what to do
ME: she was conscious?
CYRUS: She didn’t seem to be struggling. It was kind of hard to see, or at least it’s hard for me to remember. So we had to get back into the truck and drive farther down the river again — there was no other way
ME: go on
CYRUS: There was no other way
CYRUS: so on the other side of the dam there was a kind of pool — no current. And her body was there. And we rushed into the water and dragged her to the shore
ME: was she breathing
CYRUS: No
ME: so what did you
CYRUS: We laid her on the bank and I gave her or tried to give her mouth to mouth. She didn’t seem, I can’t really say what I mean by this, given that she wasn’t breathing, but she didn’t seem dead. Her white
ME: jesus, man
ME: i don’t even know how to give cpr
CYRUS: shirt, her undershirt, was pulled up over her head. I had to pull it back down over her breasts. Which was somehow embarrassing. She was cut up pretty bad
CYRUS: Neither do I, really. I tried. She kind of, I don’t know, threw up in my mouth
ME: you mean was revived — spit out water — so she was alive
CYRUS: No. There was vomit in her mouth I guess. And then I threw up onto the bank. She was dead
ME: jesus. i am so sorry you
CYRUS: I tried again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Our teeth, I can’t get this out of my mind, I accidentally clicked my teeth against her teeth at some point, like
CYRUS: like in a clumsy kiss or something. Prom. And I kept thinking of course that she had only got in the water because I had got in the water
ME: no way to blame yourself for any of this
CYRUS: And I was also worried that the cpr had killed her, I think I was pressing way too hard on her chest — or that
ME: what is jane doing during all of this
CYRUS: she would have been, at least, revived in better hands
CYRUS: I don’t really know. Helping me I guess
ME: so she was dead
CYRUS: She was dead
ME: fuck, man
ME: what did you do then
CYRUS: We could hear the boyfriend screaming again. Except now I think he was injured too. He was closer. He probably got in the water again and broke an arm or leg or whatever. But he was screaming “kill me” or something from the bank. He wasn’t screaming about his injuries. He knew she was dead
ME: what did you do
CYRUS: We took her body, Jane and I carried her body to the truck and raced toward the pueblo. We were maybe pretending a little to ourselves there was still something to be done, I mean, that fantasy was somewhere in our bodies — she was of course dead. But we, I mean, nobody had a phone