3.2.11
Another thing he said was that the best days of a person’s life are those immediately preceding and following marriage. I note: according to the Franks these number a month, which they call “the moon of honey (ʿasal)” and which follows the wedding. According to us Arabs, however, they number two, are called “the two moons of intercourse (ʿasl),” and last till the hive has been filled, every bee has reverted to being a hornet, and everything has gone back to the way it was. I note further that love is something planted in our human clay the day we’re placed in the cradle and that lasts till the day we’re laid on the bier. The human must inevitably therefore feel love for some person or other, some object or other, some abstraction or other, and the more his love grows in the area of one of these loci, the further it declines in another. At the same time, one of these loci may become a stimulus to his adding love for another. An example would be a person who devotes himself to poetry, singing, or painting and whose devotion to these things becomes a spur to his loving a beautiful person. One who devotes himself to scholarship or fighting or honor or the exercise of power must inevitably lose some of his desire for women; indeed, he may be too busy to think about them at all. One who devotes himself to purebred horses and fine weapons may find that this devotion is an incitement to love of another or not, as the case may be. Some count among this last kind the sarābātiyyah, who are the latrine cleaners, but others exclude them from it on the grounds that they practice a profession that people are forced to undertake to make a living, not a pastime that people undertake because it suits them to do so.20
3.2.12
The preceding are three states deriving from three different stimuli. There are a further three states with respect to paucity, abundance, and their midpoint. The first is one of parity and consists of the lover loving his beloved as he loves himself; thus he never indulges himself in anything or pleasures himself with anything unless the one he loves is there to share that pleasure with him. This is how men are before and just after they get married, and it is not inconsistent with good sense and judgment. The second is the excessive, which is to say the one that goes beyond parity and consists of the lover loving his beloved more, as it were, than himself; it is characteristic of fathers and mothers in their love for their children and of certain lovers. The father will sacrifice his own life for that of his offspring and deny himself pleasures and treats so as to use them to give them pleasure: if he finds himself incapable of eating or of enjoying marital relations while his son enjoys both, this makes him happy. At the same time, however, he is not devoid of good sense and judgment. The lover may prefer the object of his affections to himself but unlike the parent behaves in a disordered way, doing things that are inappropriate to their place and time. The third is the ordinary situation and consists of a person loving his beloved but loving himself more; this is the commonest.
3.2.13
There are also three locational states, namely proximity, distance, and their midpoint, and these have different impacts depending on the differences among people’s dispositions. One whose love is true will love to the same extent whether he be near or far; indeed, separation may urge him on to greater longing and passion. No one has described this situation better than the one who said
Methinks the beloved a sun that separation
Refuses to take as “oryx doe.”21 Rather, it makes it burn yet hotter.
The free-grazing male, on the other hand, the one with a roving eye, never puts one leg forward without holding the other back.
3.2.14
There are a further three states that are temporal. These are childhood, youth, and maturity. The affection of the child is that most quickly given and the most tenacious, that of the youth the hottest and strongest, and that of the mature person the most firmly grounded and longest lasting. The mature person also values his beloved’s good qualities and advantages more highly and his love for that person is both more bitter and more sweet. The bitterness comes from his knowing that he is exposing himself to the reproach and censure of the reproachful and censorious among the young and inexperienced, as well as to his own anxiety that his beloved may grow bored with him. Thus his heart ever burns, his mind to his beloved ever turns. The sweetness comes from his greater awareness of his beloved’s worth, as noted above, and from his love being as a result permanent and strong, for he believes with all his heart that he is pursuing what will bring him happiness and his due portion of good fortune.
3.2.15
Love has likewise three states with respect to means or the lack thereof — by which I have in mind material comfort, hardship, and their midpoint. The affection of the man of comfortable means is the coolest and most fickle, for his wealth allows him to change beloveds and shift from state to state. Let respectable women beware this type of man lest he spread scandal among them, unless they have no fear for their secrets and their honor, for the rich man has as little against giving away secrets as he has against piling up money, and to him everything is to his coin subservient, to his greed obedient. The affection of the poor man, in contrast, is the most excessive, deviant, and agonized, for his poverty, being an obstacle to his removal of the impediments that stand between him and his beloved, leads him in no time to despair, insanity, or suicide. The love of the man of middling means is the most balanced and healthy.
3.2.16
There are three more states of love, namely abjection, pride, and equality. Abjection usually is the state of the suitor, pride that of the one to whom suit is made. One of the most amazing kinds of affection is love mixed with hatred. An example would be a man who loves a woman who loves another man, and therefore refuses his advances. His fervor then urges him to pursue union with her as a form of vengeance against her. If he is successful in this, his love overcomes his hatred for her; if he isn’t, it doesn’t, and he remains in this state until some consolation distracts him from her. Generally speaking, the lover doesn’t forget his beloved when the latter treats him with aversion and denial but only on winning another who resembles the first physically and temperamentally (though how rarely that happens!).
3.2.17
As to the incitements to love, these include a single sighting that touches a sensitive chord in the seer’s heart, after which he is pervaded by the same feelings conducive to ardor and longing that long association would create. In such cases, in my opinion, the lover must previously have pictured in his mind certain characteristics and specifics of comeliness and fallen in love with these; then, when he sees them as he had pictured them, realized in a particular body, his heart and mind cleave to it and he is like one who finds something he had lost and was looking for. Love may also come about as a result of hearing about someone for such a long time that, little by little, the hearer becomes so familiar with that person that he becomes devoted to them. The commonest causes of love, however, are looking and association.