3.1.32
And yet again I say, no matter at what length I have already spoken, “Is it not enough for man — fear of a death that may take him unawares while peaceably engaged upon his affairs, or grieve him through loss of a dear one deceased, be he of his kin, his offspring, or his brethren, or a boon companion, or even a beast (for some are as fond of horses, birds, cats, and dogs as they are of family and friends), or terror lest one of them should break his neck by falling off the back of one of his nags, or his house catch fire, his heirlooms and prized possessions be burned to ashes and he reduced to rags, or fall into a torrent and be swept to God knows where, or the earth swallow him up, or the ceiling collapse upon him from above, or a missive reach him from a distance of two hundred leagues, to disquieten him, cost him his sleep, maybe even make him weep blood, or that a robber come and steal the goods upon which his livelihood depends, or lest he lose all that’s in his purse or waistband while on the road, or a stick pierce his eye and he lose its use, or one of his muscles become paralyzed and thenceforth be of no worth, or he eat something harmful and be killed by it, or he drink a poisoned potion and his guts and limbs collapse because of it, or he behold a comely woman and be kept awake by her beauty so that he gets up the next morning beside himself and love-sick, complaining to the doctor of his disease and to the poet of his passion, for the latter will neither his hunger appease nor grant him his desire nor will the former bring him any good or provide him with a cure, or behold an ugly one who strikes such terror into his heart as makes all appetite depart, or lest the dogs bark at him and rip his clothes, so that his tackle’s laid bare or his blood flows, or he be sitting one day on a seat and from down below be heard a tweet, so that his name becomes mud among his brethren and band, the people of his village and his land (in which case they may name him in derision ‘the farter,’4 ‘the snarter,’ ‘the varter,’ ‘the browner,’ ‘the bottom burper,’ ‘the queefer,’ ‘the queeber,’ ‘the poofer,’ ‘the pooter,’ ‘the butt trumpeter’), or the nightmare fall upon him one night, so that the blood stops flowing to his heart and he perishes before morning?”
3.1.33
In truth, all this has not been enough to stop some men from rushing to outfit against others the battalions of guesswork and supposition and unleash against them the squadrons of surmise and suspicion. Thus one such company would attack another waving the lances of defamation, wielding the swords of imprecation, thrusting with spearheads of dispute that find their mark and pierce right through, firing arrows of debate that transfix and are ever true. One said, “Verily, the degrees of Heaven are one hundred and five!” while another, “Verily, they are one hundred and four, no more!” Then yet another declared, “You both lied and deserve to have your tongues excised, your eyes put out, your testes pulverized! They are one hundred and six for sure!” At this another arose who said, “Verily, the degrees of Hell are six hundred, six and sixty!” to which someone else responded, “Verily they are six hundred, five and fifty!” while a third declared, “You both lie and true belief defy, have erred and the shackling of your hands and feet incurred, in addition to the plucking of both your cephalic and your pubic hair! They are seven hundred and sixty-seven, I declare!” Then another stood up to say, “Verily, the length of Satan’s horn is three hundred, five-and-fifty cubits!” and another responded, “Untruth clear and falsehood outrageous! It is, on the contrary, three hundred and fifty-six!” (to which a third added, “And a few bits!”). Now another said, “And it is made of iron, as witnessed by how heavily it weighs on people and torments them!” to which another answered, “Verily, it is made of gold, as evidenced by how it distracts and tempts them!” To this another, however, responded, “Nay, it’s made of squash, because it grows and then gets shorter, swells and then gets smaller, contracts after having got tauter!”
3.1.34
Another now arose, stood atop a tall ladder and said in a loud tone, “Verily, you are possessed, good people, of a little piece of skin that must be cut off, using a whetted piece (neither too large nor too small) of stone!” to which another replied, “Nay, using a sharp knife, neither too long nor too short!” to which a third one made retort, “You’re both fools! That bit of skin to us is dear, to our hearts near, and is not with either stone or knife to be made shorter or scratched by aught else, be it even of silver, for it is connected to the jugulars and tied to the aorta. Anyone who cuts it is guilty of infidelity and deserves to burn in Hell for all eternity!” Someone else declared, “Nay, to cut it off is a duty, for it is nothing but a mere appendage!” to which the first objected, maintaining that it should not be cut off and saying, “Verily, we see that nothing else is cut off, so why make cutting its peculiar privilege?” to which the other answered, “On the contrary, mustaches are trimmed and nails clipped!” The other said, “But then they grow back while that does not!” The first now declared, “My conclusive proof that cutting it is obligatory is its uselessness to its owner!” to which the other replied, “God has created nothing in vain and to no purpose!” “On the contrary,” said the other, “he created you to no purpose!”, to which the second responded, “Not at all, it’s you who were created in vain!” Each party then mustered its cavalry and its footmen, and the two armies clashed, using weapons and acumen, and what with blades chopping, arrows shooting, hands bashing, tongues wagging, and pens decrying, heads were scattered, blood flowed and limbs sent flying, the inviolable was violated and honor debased, wealth looted and lands reduced to waste, while grudges were borne in men’s breasts, ill will both patent and hidden stored up in their chests, horses were saddled and warriors armed, roads became impassable and the earth was harmed, men awaited their chance for retaliation, and the nights were filled with vituperation.
3.1.35
Good people, think of those who have passed on to the eternal domains and of how they are now but mortal remains, when there were among them men whose name, during their lives, was uttered with blessings but now is spoken of with blame, men who once were to their people as lamps brightly burning but now are become nothing but smoke and dust swirling, men who would eat till their bellies extended and eyes distended, whose tongues wagged and lips sagged and are now become the food of worms (though certain insects find them noxious). Good people, you whose masses are in a coma while the rest are in a daze, flee self-conceit! Beware the chilly rigors of the grave! Hasten to perform some good work that may bring you closer to your God, and be reconciled before you quit this earthly sod! Would you die your hearts by hatred against your opponent chilled, your mouths with curses against those who disagree with your assertions filled? Has not the Truth instructed you, “Be, O mortals, brothers on this earth, for you are of one father and one mother and all of you shall surely die!”5 Be your faces brown, red, yellow, black, or white, all of you are mortal, your lives all are soon erased, all see, feel, hear, smell, and taste. Why is it that the prepuced among you the unprepuced loathes, the ironlike the squashy hates? Will you not be with each other as mates? Have I not made myself manifest to you in the sun’s rising and setting and the stars’ appearing and disappearing, in the fire’s dying and flaring, in the wind’s dropping and blowing, in the waters’ welling and slowing, in Destiny’s reverses and perversities, its cares and adversities, in the blackness of hair and its whitening, in the aging of the body and its lightening, in the ages and how they follow in procession, in the years and their succession, in the advance of nations and their recession, in the thickets when they blossom and the meadows when they bloom, in the trees when they leaf and fall, in the birds when they twitter and call, in the tongue when it pronounces and the pen when it writes with sweeping flounces? There is, I swear, among the ravening beasts and rapacious birds less enmity and hate, less grudge-bearing and spite, than there is among you.