Merry Christmas to me.
He did the place two nights later.
And the coolest part of the whole thing was the news coverage. Shit, man, last night you couldn't turn a radio or TV without hearing about "the AIDS baby Christmas toy theft." He'd spent hours hopping from channel to channel, one news show after the other, grinning like a total asshole.
That was him they were talking about. The Nail.
The only bad thing was, he couldn't tell anyone. At least not until he'd sold off the stuff. After that he could talk all he wanted because the toys would be gone and no one could prove nothing.
The only thing he didn't get was how pissed off and disgusted all the news geeks acted. Like it really mattered to them. Bullshit. Everybody knew how stupid it was to waste presents on those AIDS kids. Really, how long were they going to live anyway? Weren't going to be around long enough to appreciate them. Total waste, man.
Leave it to The Nail to put the stuff to good use.
And it'd been so fucking simple. All he'd had to do was—
The Nail jumped as he heard a skree-eek behind him. He twisted around in his seat. That sounded like—
It was! Shit, some asshole had opened one of the truck's back doors. And now he was flashing a light inside.
His first thought was cops, but he hadn't seen a fuzz-mobile pull up. And The Nail knew cops had to follow certain rules about searches.
The buyer? Maybe, but he didn't think so. More likely some strung-out junkie trying to boost his stuff.
The Nail pulled out the automatic and chambered a round. He'd put an end to that shit real quick.
He jumped out and ran around to the back of the truck.
"Hey, man. What the fuck you think—?"
Nobody there. And both rear doors closed. The Nail scanned the alley up and down: not a fucking soul in sight.
He couldn't have imagined it. The weed hadn't been that strong. And he'd heard the noise. He'd seen the light.
Better check to see if anything was missing.
But as The Nail reached for the handle, the right door sprang open and slammed into him, knocking him flat. He landed on his back, rolled, and popped to his feet, the gun stuck out ahead of him. He saw the open door of the truck, but no one there.
And then he heard a deep voice.
"Ho-ho-ho!"
The Nail looked up and saw this fat guy with a white beard in a red suit standing on top of the truck.
The guy did his ho-ho-ho thing again, then shouted, "So you're the one who stole the toys I was putting aside for the AIDS babies! No one steals Santa's toys and gets away with it!"
Aw, man. This asshole thinks he's Santa Claus!
The Nail raised the pistol and plugged a round into his heart.
Santa fucking Claus flew backward off the top of the truck like someone had yanked a leash wrapped around his neck.
No one steals Santa's toys and gets away with it?
Shit, yeah. I steal anybody's fucking toys and do what I damn well fucking please, asshole!
The Nail hurried around the side of the truck. Time to put another slug in Santa Hole…
But he wasn't there.
"What the fuck?" The Nail said aloud.
And then something red and white popped up from the shadows behind a garbage can and slammed a white-gloved fist into his face.
The Nail had heard about seeing stars, but he'd never believed it. Now he did. He heard his nose go crunch as his face erupted in a star-studded explosion of pain. He staggered back, caught the heel of his shoe on some alley shit, and felt himself falling backward.
He windmilled his arms, trying to keep his balance, but he was out of control. He went down hard.
And when he looked up, Santa was leaning over him.
"You think you can stop Santa Claus with a bullet? A mere bullet? Think again, sonny!"
The voice wasn't quite as deep and strong as it had been a moment ago, but the guy was still standing. And there, not two feet from The Nail's face, was a bullet hole in the red fabric of his suit. Right over his heart.
Shit! What was going down here? The fucker should be dead, man.
Unless of course he really was Santa Claus.
But that was crazy.
But so was the guy in the red suit! The Nail saw his eyes gleaming between his white beard and the furry brim of his hat. Whoever he was—hell, maybe he really was Santa Claus—he was pissed. Royally pissed.
The Nail started to raise the pistol for another shot, but Santa stomped a foot down on his arm.
"Don't bother trying again, sonny! You can't kill Santa Claus!"
The Nail levered himself up and reached across, trying to grab the gun with his free hand, but Santa clocked him again with a brain-jarring right, rocking his head back against the pavement.
Santa had a punch like a fucking mule kick.
The Nail felt the gun ripped from his hand, heard it skitter across the asphalt. After that, things got fuzzy.
And painful.
The Nail remembered getting flipped over onto his belly, grabbed by his collar and his waistband, and hauled off the ground.
"I checked my list," Santa said. "Checked it twice, in fact. It says you've been naughty, sonny. Very naughty!"
Then Santa started using him like a battering ram.
Slam! Headfirst against the bumper of the truck.
"Know what happens when you steal from Santa Claus? This!"
Slam! Headfirst into a bunch of trash cans lining the alley.
"If I decide to let you live, spread the word: Don't mess with Santa Claus!"
The Nail was spun around and flung face-first against one of the alley's brick walls.
He let out a puny groan of agony as he slid down the wall, feeling like a splattered egg oozing toward the ground.
But it wasn't over. Not by a long shot. The Nail felt his consciousness fading over the next ten minutes as Santa used him like some sort of rag to wipe up the alley.
Finally Santa released him. The Nail dropped to the ground, a puddle of agony on the broken pavement. He felt his breath bubbling through his bloody mouth. He was sure his jaw was broken. And his ribs—every breath was a dozen stab wounds. Was it over? He hoped so. He prayed it was over.
Just leave me be, he thought. Just take the toys, take the whole damn truck and go. Hitch your fucking reindeer to the bumper and you and Rudolph take off. Just don't mess me up anymore. Please.
But just as he finished the thought, he felt hands go under his armpits and lift him.
"No," he managed to groan past his shattered teeth. "Please… no more."
"Should have thought of that before, sonny. Stealing from defenseless little sick kids puts you on Santa's ultra-naughty list."
"I'm sorry." It came out a faint whine. Totally wimpy.
"Well, good. I'm glad to hear it. And I'll take that into consideration next Christmas. But you complicated things by trying to kill Santa. That's very naughty. Santa doesn't like to be shot. It makes him cranky. Very cranky."
"Oh, no…"
Something rough and long slithered past The Nail's cheek, and true panic set in. Rope! Oh, fuck no. Santa was going to string him up!
But then he felt the rope snake under his arms instead of around his neck. That was a relief. Of sorts. It still hurt like all hell when the rope tightened around his shattered ribs. He was lifted and seated on the truck's rickety bumper, then tied there.
"Wha—?"
"Quiet, sonny," Santa said in a low voice that had lost all its heartiness. "Don't say another word."