‘Damn sorry, thanks all the same but think I’ve got to dash.’
‘O no please don’t. You must stay.’
‘O well. It’s a damn long way just to find out that one’s groom has burned to a crisp, isn’t it. Perhaps I would like to stay and sup as a matter of fact.’
‘O please do.’
O god one had done it again. To invite new sufferings. Although one was feeling a signal relief between the legs. Crooks saying he took the liberty to dig out dinner togs for Rashers. And following my bath, a nap in the tub, dressing and a nice moment of well earned self pity on the down feathers of my mother’s chaise longue, I journeyed back to the library door. Just ajar so that I could see in. And there he was sitting solitary. Staring into space. And again jumping to his feet at my appearance.
‘Ah Kildare. Back and looking so splendid I see.’
‘And you too Rashers.’
‘I hope it’s not asking too much but I do wish you might not call me by that name. Would you mind awfully. Somehow it makes me feel, how shall one put it, a little inappropriate in present company. But please call me Ronald.’
‘Of course. Ronald.’
‘Thank you, my dear chap. That’s awfully good of you.’
‘Have a drink Ronald.’
‘O I’ve already got one thank you. I must say your man Crooks has been marvellously attentive. Had a nice little chat with him. Poor fellow seems a bit lonely in the country. Brought me that drawer of flies to look at. Says he does a bit of fishing. And if his eyes could only see straight he’d also do a bit of shooting.’
‘Yes, pity about Crooks’ eyes. But he does manage to see a lot more with them than can be seen with ordinary eyes.’
‘You don’t say. Hope you don’t think I’m meddling my dear chap. I wouldn’t want you to think that. But shouldn’t you be looking for a wife.’
‘No. I don’t think so.’
‘O well when one thinks of it, it is nice to simply sit here alone by oneself viewing these extensive volumes on the shelves. Puts one at a loss for words.’
Rashers plumping himself down. His hands rubbing the worn shiny bright patches of the leather of the sofa chair. He seemed somewhat subdued but still at an effort to remind me even as bachelor, how well situated one was. As if a thousand or so neglected acres and thirty five or so mouldering rooms and fifteen or so layabouts, servants and staff, into whose hands outstretched every Friday, one deposited a packet of bank note and coin, were the absolute answer to all the problems in this life.
‘Took a walk about my dear chap. It is simply quite magnificent. Not to mention how utterly glorious it will be come summer. And that splendid tunnel, like the Appian Way. Don’t of course know what the latter thing looks like but nevertheless. In the rain it’s a damn good place taking a morning constitutional. Why on earth were you ever in Dublin when you could be here. Making cider out of the apples. Watching the fattening of the damsons, artichokes, blackcurrants, raspberries and gooseberries. You know my dear chap, I should just love to bring my adored precious down to see it all. Keen keen gardener she is. I mean the towering walls surrounding your plethora of pleasure gardens. In the shade of which, come summer of course, one might take tea on the edge of the lawn where one plays croquet. I mean my dear chap, forgive me my trespassing. I wouldn’t want to presume. I do sometimes feel as merely an ex Trinity College failed medical student at a disadvantage. I’m only sorry now I didn’t take my botany more seriously. In those rather too debauched but nonetheless glorious uproarious undergraduate days.’
One did pour oneself a stiff sherry. And nearly drink it back down like water. In this house getting fuller and fuller of inmates. Along with Rashers here whose constant reference to come summer did flash a vision of him still sitting there months hence, wielding a whisk brushing the flies away. And throwing a large bucket of awfully cold water on my spirits. Especially now as one notices that as well as being in my grandfather’s dinner clothes and black tie, he is also wearing one of my silk shirts whose cuffs are clasped closed with my pearl inlaid platinum cufflinks bequeathed me by my grandmother. Plus a pair of my socks. Although he did retain his own brown shoes from which his own rather large feet bulged at the laces.
‘You are aren’t you. Kildare, looking at my shoes.’
‘Yes I believe I was. Sorry.’
‘Well they’re damn hard to fall out of. And no need to apologize my dear chap. My own were stolen by some gurrier newsboy down the catacombs. Had to go barefoot to the pawn shop. Bought these second or third hand. I stupidly preferred their style to size. Damn it my dear Darcy, a man could sit and think in this room, couldn’t he. You don’t do you, mind my using your Christian name like that. After all I am a guest in your house. And I say this out of my heart. You will never know how grateful I am to you. I mean, the bound volumes of Punchy going back to the dawn of ages there on the shelves. You must be able to open one of those and get a jolly good antique laugh out of them.’
‘Upon occasion yes.’
‘And you know by god Darcy you’ve got a real looker in your household. But the glorious creature seemed to vanish like a ghost. Or was I indeed seeing one.’
‘No.’
‘Thank god for that. You know, one’s mind is apt to play one up in these large country houses. My flat I was chucked out of was the size of a cheese box for an inferior cheese. And this extra space about one does rather let the imagination roam.’
At the appearance of my sisters and Miss von B Rashers did jump to his feet, tight shoes and all, clicking his heels in a military manner and bowing. Miss von B not unflatteringly attired in another one of my mother’s gowns. A trifle too short and slightly illfittingly tight about the bosoms. But Rashers was far less military at the appearance of the Mental Marquis. To whom I was just about to introduce Rashers and Miss von B. When Rashers his mouth full of sherry spluttered it out all over the carpet. One thing of course one had learned in Dublin. That many a previous drama had befallen its citizen denizens. Between bar stools, beds and people. And one had that terrible feeling that something very awful was about to happen tonight. It wasn’t long before his Lordship, pretending to show me some porcelain in an issue of Country Life, had taken me aside and whispered.
‘That ruddy fellow, Ronald Ronald or Rashers or Bashers or whatever he is called. That bloody bugger was in the Buttery drinking champagne out of a chalice, and did me for fifty quid. As a damn fee of membership to a casino in a basement in Fitzwilliam Square. And also the promise of an introduction to the most beautiful creature. Clarissa. Claimed she was his half sister. But more likely for whom he was pimping. Ruddy fellow did a disappearing act. What on earth is the fellow doing here. In the confines of your house Kildare.’
‘O him. Goodness. Yes. Well. He is rather here isn’t he.’
‘Well I caught him up once on the street and he ran outright, left me holding his coat with not a blessed thing in it but dinched cigarettes out of the gutter and ruddy pawn tickets. I suppose you’re going to ask me if I redeemed them. Of course I damn bloody well did. Quite an interesting place as a matter of fact. The damn bloke had pawned a ruddy toilet bowl, plus the baby’s pram he pushed the ruddy thing to the pawn shop in. Suppose it does make you have to treat a chap like that with a certain respect I suppose.’
Although in a get up defying domestic description which on scrutiny appeared to be my grandfather’s hunting coat much too large for him, and the tails hanging below the backs of his knees, Crooks nonetheless absolutely in his element. But who my god should he have at his heels carrying the trays, and in my old school clothes, his hair plastered back and shifty eyed, but Foxy’s brother.