‘Madam, I sigh. My socks and shoes of course are also discoloured. Honestly I simply don’t know what to do. Or suggest. Aside from hoping that you would accede to painting my portrait on my horse and in hunting clothes and that this might be considered as some form of tiny restitution.’
‘Well, at least at last you’re thinking in the right direction.’
‘Shall we agree then. To a full portrait. On my horse.’
‘Of course a canvas that size must be specially made and is frightfully expensive. And indeed to include your horse. Not to mention the amount of paint required.’
‘I assure you Madam.’
‘Please do stop calling me Madam. Surely you can accept that we are familiar enough now for Christian names.’
‘Lois, I assure you money is no object.’
‘Well, you’re showing promise as patron. My other commission permitting, I shall try to fit you in.’
‘Thank you. I am so grateful. And of course one hopes you will do it while I am in residence at Andromeda Park. One will put at your disposal the necessary room or rooms in which to paint. Ah the rat seems quiet. Now do you think Lois we might please, retire together to bed.’
‘It doesn’t take you long to change from your role as patron. Does it.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘I’m not some sort of nymphomaniac. I’ve already said four times. I’m celibate. Why prey on me. Why not find some pure little innocent girl your own age. Although she may not suck your cock, you might terminate her virginity for her. I can’t believe you’re now inviting yourself into my bed.’
‘Well I don’t see any other beds in the room.’
‘Ha ha, that is awfully funny.’
‘Well one is rather tired. And it would keep you protected. Rats are vicious creatures. Especially ones as large as that.’
‘This is utter blackmail. Is your commission blackmail too. You do this to me. Are you desperate.’
‘Well yes I’m equally as desperate as perhaps you hopefully might be.’
‘Don’t you dare call me desperate. And don’t start removing your clothes. You are the most exasperatingly presumptuous young man aren’t you. I certainly think you are. And as bourgeois as it may sound, you’re clearly exhibiting the result of a long lack of proper parental influence and control. One hates to bring up personalities but I had heard your father did seem to desert you.’
‘What he did do Madam, was to sell off cattle, land and go off with certain valuable furnishings, not his property, and set up with a mistress here in Dublin.’
‘You did though didn’t you have the care and counsel of that goose stepping phony Austrian nazi Princess Miss von B who it appears is again about town.’
‘That remark I think is highly uncalled for. She was a brilliant housekeeper and is a genuine aristocrat.’
‘Yes who gave you genuine love bites if I remember correctly. Yet you do seem to remain so naively innocent.’
‘Exactly why Madam, your company helps acquaint me with the ways of the world. Perhaps as a philistine imperialist member of the squirarchy, you can help cultivate in me a true artistic spirit.’
‘I doubt it very much. But you do, don’t you possess the most astonishing nerve. Taking off your clothes like this. And waving that in my face in that manner. I still think your face is so Flemish. And you are callous, don’t you know how hard it is for me to resist wanting your very well endowed cock inside me. Don’t you. Making me face temptation like this. And how difficult it makes it for me.’
‘Madam you think it’s difficult for you. You’re not the only one. Country gendemen suffer. I’ve had months of celibacy too. When before one’s very eyes one’s very own bulls and stallions not to mention roosters, are, to put it in the vulgar vernacular, freely fucking my heifers, fillies and hens.’
‘What. How could celibacy be a hardship. In your thousands of acres. Snap your fingers for breakfast, just summon, and tea served you. Butler, cook, maids. Suffer. I’ll go suffer there. Quite gladly.’
‘It’s not quite a snap of the fingers, Lois. It’s a pull on the servants’ bell and often one has to dislodge to rise from one’s chair to do it.’
‘O dear, poor you. My family were never quite large country house owners, but I would certainly not consider it dislodgement to get out of my chair to pull on the servants’ bell. If you invite me, I shall gladly do it for you. And speaking of pulling. I mean can’t you pull yourself off. You’ve got rather big and strong hands to masturbate with. I’ll watch you if you like. I mean it’s just like milking a cow. But do not dear boy ejaculate on my floor. Where I think you’ve already done enough.’
‘Lois don’t you understand. That you are a beautiful and desirable woman. Are you oblivious to that. And this. Just look at it. Nearly twice the size of my normal erections. The mere presence of you exciting this extra length and breadth.’
‘Dear boy. Did anyone ever tell you, you should be an actor. You do give quite an incredible performance. Are you in fact larger than usual. You wouldn’t be pulling my leg would you. And you are, I must confess, so well endowed. Do pull your foreskin further back. Pity I don’t have my gouache and brushes to hand. One could capture the marvellous cone shape the end of your cock has. My American patron I’m sure would be enthralled.’
‘Wouldn’t that be what is commonly referred to as a dirty picture.’
‘Dear boy, I’ll have you know I have never compromised my artistic integrity. And I am in no way being pornographic or obscene. But I do have this awfully uncomfortable sneaking suspicion, that behind your affected innocence, you are laughing at me. Are you.’
‘No no Madam, sincerely I am not.’
‘O god. I am defeated. Get into bed, will you. And damn you anyway. I shall take off my clothes. But only on the understanding that it is for the sharing of our bodily warmth.’
‘But yes, of course. Heavens. One. Two. Three sweaters.’
‘Yes. And my long Johns.’
‘You know Madam, I have always admired the stunningly beautiful breasts you have. They are the most exquisite I have ever seen. I mean they are astonishing.’
‘Don’t you dare ruin that remark by saying for my age.’
‘No no. For any age. Ageless.’
‘Well they are I suppose among my few prized possessions.’
‘Why are you smiling madam.’
‘Just recalling the last time you were here. And instead of making love, you had to hit that awful IRA man over the head with a hammer or something, clonked senseless while he was raping me.’
‘It was in fact with a big pole. That monster one over there as a matter of fact. And indeed Madam, you see, I have returned yet again. To save you from yet another rat.’
‘O god. Alright. Stop waving it in my face. You have, without intending a pun, made your point. You may. Get in bed.’
‘May I make love to you.’
‘No.’
‘Then I shan’t get into bed. I shall instead say thank you so much for the cocoa, get dressed and say goodbye. To both you and the rat.’
‘O god. You are a spoilt brat. Blackmailing me. Alright. Yes you may make love to me. Now let me by to light a candle. I just hope to god it’s not the wrong time of the month. I am the most silly stupid creature on god’s earth. To chuck out the window as I am doing. All the accumulated precious months of my celibacy. Don’t you know that such conservation of the sexual emotion gives succour to the frisson necessary to create.’
‘O dear I had no idea, Lois, honestly.’
‘Self denial is the treasury from which one draws the golden thread of truth from one’s inner spirit. Is the world now to be denied the possibility of my producing some of my greatest work. And whose fault shall it be. Whose.’