‘Sure it’s nothing more than proof incarnate with the residue of bottles and glasses and stains staring anybody in the face that your man Crooks is a raving alcoholic.’
Three days of continuous rain later. Fields flooded. Buckets all over the house under leaks. And waking from a dream. Of having discovered my mother’s jewels. From their years secreted. A glowing glittering ransom. Of diamonds, necklaces, her tiara, strings and strings of pearls, ruby and emerald bracelets, all stacked in their steel chest. And at last found. To release me. From all future want and impoverishment. Naturally I reared up in bed shouting something like hooray and Crooks jumped back, trembling and rattling the breakfast tray. A white bandage, as if a truce had been declared, tied conspicuously over his striped trouser at the knee. Doing me the honour of personally attending to my morning nutriment.
‘Master Reginald are you alright.’
‘Sorry Crooks. I was in a dream.’
‘You reared up at me. For a second there I thought I was to get the belt of a clout.’
‘Yes well I think I was momentarily excited.’
‘No harm done. Breakfast now, here hot and ready when you are. And I shall be back presently to take instruction concerning our Tuesday impending lawn meet here at Andromeda Park.’
A hobbling Crooks in a regalia hardly suitable for top drawer butlering. But at least everything in place on my tray and carefully spreading my napkin for me. As he leaned over the bed his boiled detachable shirt front bent straining like a bow to perhaps catapult off and reveal his rugby jersey beneath. Even as one eye looked east as the other peered due north west one could see how quite red eyed he was. And grunting disapproval at the displacement of my mother’s things. Kept most irritatingly screwing up his nose each time he reached to replace a small artifact to its former position.
‘Permit me Master Reginald if you will, to preserve the arrangements your mother her late Ladyship Antoinette Delia Darcy Darcy Thormond would have desired to be kept.’
Dear me, such equally pretentious palaver can pour from Crooks sober as well as drunk. Flinging titles about left, right and centre. And together with his attempting to preserve every furnishing in my mother’s rooms as it had been, plus his hindering interference in removing my mother’s collection of bath salts I’d become fond of using, did make me think it merciful for us all if he were soon found swinging from a rope in the butler’s suicide room.
‘Where are the bath salts Crooks.’
‘Ah the bath salts, the bath salts, the bath salts.’
‘Yes the bath salts.’
‘They are from Paris.’
‘I know they are from Paris, Crooks.’
‘Created by André the greatest of great perfume makers, fragrances fit only for a queen.’
Of course it’s an indelible characteristic of servants to first please themselves before pleasing oneself. And although utterly infuriating, I let Crooks hold on to his precious bath salts. Expressions such as fit only for a queen had nothing to do with my decision. But one could sense Crooks on the verge of making a remark in that risqué direction. But of course taking my acquiescence as encouragement he also promptly rearranged the bedroom to its original and inconvenient manner. One even finding he would shove my brush and comb and studs out of sight somewhere in the bureau drawer, making my dressing for dinner unnecessarily maddening. Avoided only when I decided to dine taking supper on a tray upstairs with a fire. And already prepared for bed in gown and slippers, ready to disappear buried in blankets and counterpane with my digestion undisturbed.
‘Crooks I shall take supper here tonight.’
‘Very good sir. It will be lamb this evening.’
‘Then do you think we could have a suitable claret.’
‘We’re in a bad way in the cellars.’
‘O dear, please, do find what you can.’
‘I’ve been scraping and scrimping every way imaginable to keep this household in one piece.’
‘I did only say Crooks find what you can.’
‘After long service such as mine, Master Reginald, you take to heart the tone of words as much as you would their mere meaning.’
‘Well I apologize for my tone then. And I do think you’re due some improvement in your clothes Crooks. We must look smart for the lawn meet.’
One regretted instantly having ever opened one’s mouth. Crooks putting on his most painful expression of deeply injured pride. As if one had accused him of rape, murder and sacrilege.
‘I beg your pardon Master Reginald, but these garments are fit for the likes of any of them turning up here on their high horses I assure you.’
One deliberately decided not to take lunch. As the beetle browed agent was the next on the list of sons of bitches one was to play pop with. Close off to him the comfortable mecca of the rent office where he has been holding court. Dispensing petty cash which when totalled over last week amounted to more than his wages. But by god with a thousand more trees gone missing, it will be more than injured pride he will get. Needless to say since my return he was little to be found in evidence except to report via Luke that Midnight Shadow had left a trail of destruction across the countryside. Running amok in sheep, cattle and cows, and driving the whole parish shivering in fear behind their doors.
And one caught him brazenly in the rent room opening the safe with his own set of keys. A fire blazing cosily in the stove. A tray on the desk with a bottle of best claret, slab of roast beef, vegetables and pudding. So much for Crooks’ scraping and scrimping. No bloody wonder things are in a bloody bad way in the cellars. And would you believe it, a cigar singularly resting on e’s best Meissen.
‘Ah, it’s you is it sir. Back once more from Dublin’s fair city is it. I was just getting down to a bit of business thinking you would be at your own lunch and not wanting to be disturbed.’
‘I understand there are legal threats over the runaway horse.’
‘More than threats they be sir. And it’s only facts of the matter, only the facts now as I’m telling you to your face sir. Writs for damages ready to be served by every solicitor able to read and write in the town.’
‘I suppose there will be further shenanigans from the owners of every mare that Midnight Shadow had committed rape on the sloping quarters of their luckless nags.’
‘They’d be cheering instead of complaining of that now. Only there isn’t a mare in miles that could take the shaft of that monster.’
‘Well hooray that at least is a blessing.’
‘But I’m only suggesting now that a mere fistful of fivers slipped at the right time into the right hands would soothe many a ruffled feather before things get legally antagonized as you might say. And I was at the safe here for that purpose.’
‘I’ll attend to the safe in future if you don’t mind. And there won’t be any fistful of fivers given into the right hands. And I would appreciate your leaving that set of keys. I also want all account books available for inspection. From your scribblings posted there on the wall, the list of stock, feedstuffs, timber and machinery is not only incomplete, it is, from my having counted the cattle and checked the barns and woods, also entirely fictitious.’