“No, you.”
“No, you.”
“Mrow-rowr!!” wail both cats. They pick up the pace.
Ka-ching-rattle, ka-ching-rattle.
I hold my hands over my ears and glare at my husband.
“Get up.”
He pulls the covers up and rolls over. “Eat dirt.”
I lay back down. “If you’re not getting up, I’m not getting up.”
We lie in bed and glare at the ceiling. There is no hope of either of us getting any more sleep.
I turn my head and look at my husband. “Together on the count of three?”
He nods.
“One…”
We roll the covers back.
“Two…”
We both put a foot on the floor and look suspiciously at one another.
“Three!” He stands up and I fling myself back into bed.
Wife - 2, Husband – 0.
An hour later guilt overtakes me and I pad out to the kitchen where he is sitting and put my arms around him, kissing the top of his head.
“How about if I promise to be the one to get up and feed the cats tomorrow?” I ask.
“That’s what you said yesterday.”
I sigh. He’s right. My intentions are good, but when it’s 5 AM and cold and dark outside the warmth of the bed, I know I will once again feign death in the hopes he’ll get up first. And he’ll do the same.
But we are united on one front.
The cats are comatose on the couch, satiated and asleep.
We sneak up behind them and on the count of three I rattle the blinds while he wings a jingle ball along the floor.
The cats hit the ceiling.
That’s right, baby. Score one for the humans.
Credits
Feline Concerns first appeared in I Love Cats! Magazine http://www.iluvcats.com.
Lessons In Stalking first appeared in the ASPCA Animal Watch newsletter.
Kitty Jihad, Dibbs!, Never Feed A Cat Grape Benadryl®, The Creature Under the Fridge, Morning Revelry, Kitty Nightingales, El Toro Gato, Yoga Cat, The Great Cat Butt Wiping Adventure and The Big Brown Mouse & Other Toys Our Cat Loathes all originally appeared in Cats & Kittens http://www.catsandkittens.com magazine.
If you’d like more information (and photos!) on the cat, the kitten, and the inside story on Lessons In Stalking, please visit us at http://www.lessonsinstalking.com.
Afterword
Toward the completion of this book my cover and interior layout designer, Robert Howard, suggested it would be a nice touch to include a “family portrait” of my husband, myself, and our two cats at the back of the book.
“Did you read my book?” I asked. “Were there any stories in there that might lead you to believe such an undertaking is even remotely possible?”
“Try anyway,” came the reply. And so, risking life and limb, we did.
You see the results below. We never actually managed to get all four of us in the room at the same time. In a rare show of unity, one cat would distract us while the other made her getaway. After an hour of this we decided one photo each of me with the cats would suffice. To clue you in to how that process went, what you are seeing here is the best of the best—me holding Lucy captive against the floor as I lay on her and Olivia looking anxiously at the floor, planning her escape. Blair, my husband, remains in safe (and, one might add, unscratched) anonymity behind the camera lens.
Robert’s only comment was “Next time try Tuna Fish on your breath.”
About the Author
Dena Harris is a humorist and freelance writer published in newspapers, magazines, and web sites around the country. Publication credits include Chicken Soup for the Cat Lover’s Soul, Cats & Kittens magazine, I Love Cats!, Puppies USA, Writer’s Digest, The Toastmaster, Art Jewelry, Self-Publishing Essentials, and more.
She teaches seminars and workshops in public speaking, networking, and writing for magazines. Her next book, Scared Speechless: Public Speaking Tips For The Occasional Speaker, will be available in 2006.
Raised in Ohio, she now lives with her husband and two cats in rural North Carolina and is constantly trying to figure out how to bring a third cat into the home without her husband’s knowledge.
She is a member of the Cat Writer’s Association (CWA), the Society for Children’s Books Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI), the Writer’s Group of the Triad, and way too many book clubs. For information on her upcoming books and workshops, please visit http://www.denaharris.com.
About the Illustrator
Linda Santell is a digital artist, designer and illustrator. She lives in the historic district of a small town in rural North Carolina, where her studio is also located.
The slow, quiet environment serves as a great balance to her whirring, creative spirit.
Linda specializes in creating completely custom images, designs and illustrations.
Her work is original and contemporary. She works equally well in color and black and white.
Her client base is primarily creative, entrepreneurial women—an eclectic mix of writers, small business owners and non-profits. She delights in supporting them in designing their dreams.
Illustration is Linda’s second career, but her first love. Art became her fulltime focus in 2000. Her projects range from book illustration to logo design, custom invitations to pet portraits and beyond.
Linda finds great joy in creating her own art, which often takes the form of colorful and whimsical illustrations with supportive messages for women. These illustrations have become the basis for her Whimsical Wisdom® line of womencentered art and products.
To learn more about Linda, her art and creative services, visit her at http://www.lindasantell.com or her sister site http://www.enrichingearth.com.
Praise for LESSONS IN STALKING
“Dena Harris has written a cat book even a dog would love.”
“Captures perfectly the nuances of life with cats!”
“Clever, witty, and insightful, these stories celebrate everything feline and bring smiles of recognition to anyone who loves cats. The author relates the charming antics of her loving, yet manipulative fur-kids, and shows how their c’attitude impacts humans with predictable—and often hilarious—results. Read one by one or devoured like a catnip toy, the stories in Lessons In Stalking are the purr-fect treat! I am a fan.”
“Never has watching someone else own a cat been this much fun.”
“Dena Harris magically captures the humor of sharing our lives with cats in a master storyteller’s style. You catch yourself laughing out loud as you read her words filled with whimsy and wit. She is simply meow-val-lous!”