Snatching the DVD from Lia’s hands, Cammie’s eyes roam all over the case. “Yeah, this’ll do.” A seductive grin plays on her face and we all share a laugh as we make up our plates for our little dinner date with a few shirtless hotties.
“He is so freaking hot,” Peyton calls out as Matt Bomber struts his stuff across the screen.
Gulping down the last of her third, or maybe it’s her fourth glass, Lia shakes her head wildly. “Oh no! Him. He’s the one I’d do.” Pointing at Channing Tatum, Lia looks like she needs to wipe the drool from her chin.
“What about you, Cammie? Who’s your hottie tonight?” I elbow her in the ribs, literally prodding her to have some kind of reaction to the girls’ night that we planned all for her.
She takes a sip of her wine and shrugs he shoulders. No response. “Come on, Cammie. Given the chance, who would you spend one hot night with?” Cammie flushes red at Lia’s little quiz.
“None of them.” Wow, she’s in full-on pout mood. I suddenly realize what it must have been like to live with me back when Bryan and I broke up.
Determined to lighten her mood, I pause the movie as Alex Pettyfer’s abs ripple on screen. “Not even him, Cammie. Look at him! His abs have abs. That man is a God. You’re telling me you would kick him out of bed?”
With her lips up against the rim of her mug-o-wine, she mumbles, “Fine. No. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.” When we all whistle cat calls and rip with laughter, Cammie rolls her eyes but eventually gives into the laughter as well.
After my third glass of wine and some quality time with the girls, I decide to turn in and get some sleep. I walk past my desk and pick up the envelope I got in the mail today. It’s from Mom, but even through the padding, I can tell that it’s a spiral notebook.
Sitting on my bed, I tear through the paper and pull out the notebook. There’s a letter taped to the front of it across which is my name scrolled in my mom’s handwriting. I absentmindedly trace my fingertip along the curved lines of my name and instantly miss Mom. She’ll be here this weekend, but after seeing Bryan today, I could use some comfort.
I open the envelope and pull out the letter.
With shaky hands, I drop the letter and run my fingers along the faded blue cardboard cover of the notebook. This belonged to my dad. He actually touched the same spot that I’m touching right now. Gently opening the tattered cover, I see his words scribbled on the lines of the paper and tears spring to my eyes. Thumbing through the pages, I see a few dozen entries and they all seem relatively short.
March 1995
Your mom told me about you today. I’ll never forget how she looked and how happy her words made me. I just wanted to let you know that today was the first day you became a part of my life and I’m very excited for the day that I’ll be able to hold you in my arms.
Tears stream down my cheeks, and no matter how quickly I try to brush them away, they’re immediately replaced by new ones. My dad wrote this book to me. He didn’t even know me, but he wrote these letters to me because he wanted to let me know how much he loved me.
I read through more of them, but one in particular catches my attention and makes me smile through the tears. By my quick calculation, my mom would have been just about half way through her pregnancy at this point.
May 15, 1995
I felt you kick today. It was kind of weird and creepy, but it was also the most exciting experience of my life to date. Your mom and I were just watching a movie in bed. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach. It wasn’t at all what expected – a small bubble of movement at best. But, from that one little kick, I caught a glimpse of your tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine, of your little feet poking out of a blanket. Today, you felt real to me and I just knew I had to share that with you.
The next letter that I stop at has sonogram picture taped to the top. It’s a profile shot and I trace over the curve of my tiny nose.
June 1995
We found out that you’re a girl today. A girl. Your mom started crying right away. I was … well, I was just scared. I want to protect you from everything. From scratched knees, to failed tests, to broken hearts. But what if I fail? What if you get hurt because I couldn’t do my job? I just hope you know that no matter how many times we fight over curfew or sleepovers or whatever things dads and daughters fight about, just know that I’m fighting with you because I love you.
That last entry makes me laugh through the tears. Now I know where I got that pesky need for perfection from. I flip through the journal and read about how he set up my nursery and helped Linda surprise Mom with a baby shower. It’s weird how I’ve never known him, but through his words, simple strokes on a piece of paper, I feel like he’s right here in the room with me. When I get to the last entry, the tears return. He wrote it the night before he died.
September 29, 1995
Dear Melanie,
Your mom and I have been discussing names lately. So if one day down the line when you’re reading this and your name is Jessica or something like that, just know that I lost the battle. But on some off chance that your mom decides in my favor, I hope that I’ve addressed this to the right person.
Since you’re due to arrive any day now, I thought I would make this a longer entry. There are a few things I want to say and I feel like if I can get these simple lessons on paper, you’ll be able to come back to them when you need them, when I might not be there to tell them to you. I’m a man of numbers and figures, lines and buildings so I apologize ahead of time for not being too poetic with all of this.
1. Be kind. A warm smile with kind words will go further than any ounce of belittling ever will. The world might not always be nice to you, but you’ll find beauty in the world when you are kind to it.
2. Be patient. Anything worth doing in your life will take time. So be patient, but always persevere. When you get knocked down, and you will because it’s an inevitable truth in life, get right back up and fight twice as hard for whatever it is that you’re working toward.
3. Have fun. You’ve got your whole life to worry about bills and mortgages and all that grownup stuff. Never forget to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures in your life. You never know when they’ll be gone.
4. Love with everything you’ve got. I never knew love until I knew your mother. And then when she told me about you, I learned what true love really means. So when you find someone you love, don’t hold back.
And remember that, if all of these pieces of advice fail you, your mom and I love you more than anyone ever could. You’re the stars in our sky and the song in our hearts … Don’t laugh. I said I was no good at the poetry stuff.
I can’t wait to meet you, baby girl (who I not-so-secretly hope to be named Melanie).
Love,
Dad
After closing the notebook, I clutch it to my chest tightly and whisper through the sobs, “I love you too, Dad.”
14
I’ve been a counselor here at Camp Hope for the last two weeks and I love it. No, like seriously love it. I have never been around so much happiness and so many smiles as when I’m with these kids. At the end of the day, I’m covered in dirt and grime, and sometimes glitter depending on the arts and crafts activities, but I wouldn’t change a thing.