With my arm wrapped around his waist and my leg draped across his, I rest my cheek on his chest and revel in the feel of being next to him. It’s a place I never thought I’d be again. He kisses the crown of my head and exhales a deep breath.
After a few minutes of relative silence punctuated only by the sound of his heart beating beneath my ear, I finally gather the courage to say what I’ve needed to say since I found out about it myself. “Bryan, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, we do.”
As his fingers tangle in my auburn locks, sleep claims me before any words can be spoken.
17
When Bryan’s arm bands around my waist from behind, pulling me closer to his body, I’m startled awake. I gasp and he chuckles at me. The deep rumbling in his chest vibrates against my back.
“What’s so funny back there?” I smirk even though I know he can’t see it.
“You are.” He squeezes me more tightly and plants a sweet kiss on my shoulder. “Guess you’re not used to waking up with anyone, huh?”
I wiggle my ass into his growing erection. “No, I’m definitely not used to waking up to this.” One more wiggle emphasizes exactly what I mean by this.
I’m surprised by how easy it is to joke with him, but then again, that’s how it’s always been with Bryan.
Easy.
We both share a light laugh before the stilted silence descends upon us. I turn over to face him and prop my head up on my hand. Tucking his arms under his head, he stares up at the nothingness that the ceiling provides.
“Bryan, I need to say some things.” On my words he abruptly turns to his side and faces me. “So do I, Melanie.” His voice is laced with pain and I can only imagine what put it there.
Me.
We sit up and rest against the headboard. With the sheet pulled tightly across my chest and draped loosely around his waist, I inhale a cleansing breath and offer up a small prayer that things turn out well.
His hand falling on top of mine and squeezing gently gives me the last push of strength I need to start talking. “I never slept with that other guy,” I blurt the words and feel instantly lighter they are out of my mouth.
He shifts abruptly and stares at me with a knot of confusion marring his beautiful face. My stomach twists with guilt at having not told him this piece of information months ago.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closes his eyes tightly. “I’m sorry, but what did you just say?” The stupefied look that’s plastered to his face does nothing to hide his emotions.
“I know I should have told you a long time ago, but every time I tried to, something happened.” I can see the look of confusion recede slightly as he recalls our few and angry encounters over the summer. Feeling the need to clarify the course of events, I add, “There really was never a good time to tell you. When you first told me about knowing that the text from Courtney was an old picture, the words just got jumbled up in my brain. I wanted to tell you, but you just walked away from me. I even tried to last night, but you were so adamant about … other things … that I just, well, call me selfish, but I wanted you too and I just didn’t want to talk about that and ruin the chance to be with you again.”
On a loud exhale, he rubs his hands over his face as if he’s trying to wake up from this nightmare. “I know. I didn’t want any words to get in the way last night either,” he says softly as he brushes my hair out of my face. I take his nod as a cue to continue my long overdue explanation.
“You already know that I was in a shitty place before we both went home for vacation.” He nods again and it gives me a little strength to carry on. “Well, my mood had a lot to do with us, but it also had a lot to do with other things. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I wasn’t happy about the twists and turns that my life was taking.” I inhale what I hope to be a calming breath, but it gets caught in the thick emotions clogging my throat. “Maddy almost died, and then I found out she was having a baby and leaving me alone. Mom was alone and sad again. Then the stuff with you not calling and thinking you had moved on from me …” My rambling trails off and mixes with the tears that streak down my cheeks. The pad of his thumb wiping away my tears lifts my downcast gaze.
He pulls my lips to his as both palms now gently cup my cheeks. “Tell me the rest. Please.” His eyes are begging for the rest of the story.
“I was partying a lot, too, when I was home. I think Maddy knew, but she never really confronted me. It got bad real quick. It was a way to numb everything, to not have to feel all the things that were making me sad. I didn’t even want to hang out with Maddy all that much. It was like her happiness just made me sadder.” On a deep shuddery breath, he sweeps my hair back once more. “The night I got that text from Courtney, I had already convinced myself that you no longer wanted me. I was drunk. Well, actually shitfaced is more like it. I was talking with a guy. We were drinking, a lot. And after the text, I drank some more, a lot more. We kissed – fooled around a little - but that was it. I promise.”
We sit in silence for a few moments. He doesn’t say anything and I want to give him the space to absorb what I’ve just told him. He finally looks at me. “But I don’t understand, Melanie.” He sighs as he scratches his head. “You said … I mean … how did you … what made you think that you slept with him.” The last few words catch in his throat.
I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship for so long; I had a lot of time on my own to try and figure it all out. “Bryan, I’m so sorry. I never meant to put us through this, but I think part of it was that I always thought the worst of myself. I remember talking to him. I remember the kiss and the call and then the rest is a blurry mess.” I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand in a rather unladylike fashion. “I woke up the next morning with in someone else’s shirt, my jeans were unsnapped, my bra was missing and I guess through my hangover fog, I assumed the worst. When I happened to run in to Tyler over spring break, that night came into focus. I wanted to tell you right away, you have to believe me, but you wanted nothing to do with me.” Bryan looks utterly disgusted with me. Hell, so was I when I first found out. But, sitting up a bit straighter, I feel lightened by the truth I’ve just unveiled.
Scrubbing a hand through the light stubble that decorates his jaw, he huffs and closes his eyes. I can tell he’s struggling with what I just told him, but the reality is that he wanted me last night before he even knew about any of this. Emboldened by that thought, I scoot an inch closer to him and cup his cheek. Turning his face to mine, I call him out on last night. “But you didn’t know this last night, Bryan. You didn’t know any of it, but you still wanted me. I saw it in your eyes and felt it in your touch too. Last night was not just a one night thing for you.” I lace our fingers together in my lap and squeeze gently.
At least, I hope it wasn’t.
“You’re right. It wasn’t just about last night.” His words sober me immediately; they’re words I never thought I would hear. “When I saw you at Bella’s, I could tell what you thought about me and Abbey. I saw how much it hurt you and I knew. I just knew that you still had feelings for me. When I saw the hurt in your eyes as we were leaving, I decided to finally own my feelings for you, too.”
A lone tear trickles down my face. Bryan kisses it away and smiles at me. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He opens his heart to me and I shoot him a wry look. “Okay, okay.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “Right after you told me what you thought happened, my feelings may have changed, but even still, there was always a part of my heart that belonged to you.”