“Hey,” I say, not taking my seat, so I can flee if I need to. There’s no way I can without hearing what she has to say first.
“Hey,” her soft voice replies. Her eyes peer to the seat and then back to me so I sit down. “So-“
“I’m sorry Jessa. Truce?” I blurt it out before she can say anything, wanting to get this over with. At this point, I’d be happy with just her friendship.
“Grant, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Her eyes dart between the floor and me. “I’m the one who’s sorry. It just…” she stops, and I know something is holding her back from us. I can’t fault her, I don’t know if I can handle this either. “There are things about me,” she voices a soft whisper.
I hold my hand up in the air, “It’s fine, really. I get it.” Her eyes fall and a breath releases from her body. It’s hard to know if she’s relieved at my understanding, or frustrated to my constant interruptions.
“That’s just it, Grant, you don’t.” Everything in her body turns defensive. “You’d never understand,” she continues and as much as I wish things were different, it tells me again, I know that I’m not the one for her.
“Jessa, just stop. You want to stay with Rob, stay with him but please let’s just stop this. Maybe we should just stay away from each other. The last thing I want is to interfere.” When actually, I’m so terrified to push her.
As much as I want to beg her to be mine, I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to her. “I know…it’s…complicated,” her words trail off, and having no other choice, I nod in agreement.
As though Dr. Lincoln knows exactly the spot Jessa and I are in, I hear her heels click down the steps of the lecture hall. “Okay, class. Today’s discussion is ‘Love in the Workplace’.” I let out an exasperated breath, unsure if I can handle a lecture regarding forbidden love when mine is sitting right next to me. My eyes shift her way and hers to mine. Even though, we just had a deep conversation and decided we will keep our distance from each other, we smirk at one another.
There’s that fucking connection again. No words necessary to know what the other one is thinking. Abruptly, I turn my attention to Dr. Lincoln, unable to share those moments with Jessa any longer. If I’m going to try to move ahead, I probably need to stop being near her, and I definitely won’t be able to touch her. Not even an arm brush between us. As much as I wish we could be friends, I don’t think it’s possible at this point.
Jessa
My mind races as I’m leaving the lecture hall. Pulling my gloves and hat on, I watch Grant’s large frame walk quickly in the other direction. How can your heart and mind be in two more different places? My heart screams for Grant every time we’re around each other, but my mind won’t let me take the step. Make that a giant leap.
The thing that scares me the most is that he doesn’t truly want it. I can feel his desire for me throughout my whole body when he’s near, but then he pulls back just as fast. Then again, the last thing I want is to stay with Rob just for the sake of having someone. I’m stronger than that and I know it.
Before Jason, I wouldn’t have thought twice about breaking things off with Rob and running toward Grant. Fuck Jason for making me doubt my self-worth. My therapist’s words ring in my head from my last session: ‘You have to live again, Jessa. Go, and be happy. You’ve done the work, now reap the reward.’ Dr. Hinkle was the one who convinced me to leave Boulder and start fresh somewhere else. And that’s exactly what I did last semester.
When I first met Rob, I was scared out of my mind, but I pushed forward like Dr. Hinkle said and let him in. Things were so great…at first. He took me home for Thanksgiving and it felt as though we were really going somewhere. That he could be the one and we’d fall in love and live happily ever after. Then he and his band agreed to play Grant’s fraternity party and our relationship started to shift. Dates stopped, the swooning disappeared, and suddenly, I’m being rushed through drive-thru windows to eat and propped up against anything but a bed to fuck.
What the hell is wrong with me? As though the storm clouds have unexpectedly parted in my mind, it dawns on me. Regardless of Grant, I need to get rid of Rob. He’s not the one, and if I feel this strongly for someone else while we’re together, he can’t really be the love of my life.
Sadie and I are sitting downstairs with the boys while they play, which has been a common occurrence since we moved in. Dex, Trey, and Brady sit in the recording area behind the glass, while she and I gossip about some reality television show she recently got me addicted to watching. Some wonderful guy gets to take a bunch of girls on once-in-a-lifetime dates, and the girls practically beg him to pick them, even if he made out with someone else the night before. At first I thought Sadie was crazy, but lately I’ve been setting my schedule around the damn show.
“Where’s Rob?” Brady calls out from the room and I shrug my shoulders. Other than a quick text message this afternoon, I’ve heard nothing from him. “He told me he would be here.”
“I’m here,” Rob shouts, coming down the stairs.. I brace myself because I have a feeling that a confrontation is coming. Rob’s been missing a few practices to do gigs with a couple of other band he’s trying to be a part of, and Trey hasn’t attempted to keep his dislike quiet on the subject. I’m assuming that’s what he’s about to tell them again, but then he turns to me. I notice his nervous expression, and I gather it’s more than missing one band practice.
“Where the hell have you been? We have a show in a few hours and Brady has a new song,” Trey says, standing in the doorway of the recording studio.
“I’m done guys, sorry,” he tells them, and I shoot up to my feet.
“What?” I ask as I walk over to him. All of us are now standing in front of him like a pack of angry wolves ready to pounce.
“I’m going on tour with The Beatskulls. They got invited to join Krypto and asked me to play guitar. I’ve kind of been messing around with them on a couple songs lately,” he admits. Reminding us again, Rob isn’t a student like the rest of us. He dropped out last year in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a rock star, whereas the other boys are only playing until they graduate.
“You’re what?” I ask softly and the others slowly move away, leaving me alone with him.
“Fucking bullshit,” Trey shouts and I hear Brady trying to calm him as they head into the glass-windowed room with Sadie.
“Sorry, Jessa, but I have to do this.” He comes up to me, taking my hands in his.
“I know,” I say and I’m not lying. I understand completely. I was ready to tell him tonight that it was over, but it still hurts that he told me he’s leaving along with everyone else instead of seeking me out individually. It shows me again just how much our relationship has changed.
“I’ll call as much as I can, but remember I’ll be busy.” He’s already making excuses for missed phone calls, but what he doesn’t realize is that I’m indifferent to the whole thing.
“Okay,” I tell him. He brings his lips to mine and kisses me, but it’s cold and distant. In his mind, he’s already left and I know at this moment that it’s over between Rob and me. He’ll move on to stardom and his life here will soon be forgotten. Instead of feeling sadness though, all I feel is an overwhelming amount of relief.
Rob says goodbye to everyone. Brady wishes him good luck and gives him a hug. Sadie stays in the room, waving. I’m not surprised, since there’s never been much love between them. Dex shakes his hand, but quietly turns back to his bass. Trey remains behind his drums, giving him a nod goodbye. Rob’s either unaware or indifferent to how he’s disappointing his bandmates.
I walk him upstairs and his bags are already resting by the front door. “I’ll call you tonight,” he says and leans in to give me a kiss. I should just tell him not to bother and that we both know this is over, but I remain quiet. I say goodbye, knowing there’s a good chance that I’ll never hear from him again, and he leaves after another meaningless kiss.