“Fuck off ass…” Jessa stops talking when she sees it’s me and I laugh at her angry comeback. “God, Grant, I thought you were some asshole trying to hit on me.”
“I like the sound of that,” I joke.
“What?” she shakes her head, obviously still surprised it was me. “I almost hit you. Wait, you like the sound of what?” her words stumble and she questions me again.
“God, Grant. I’d love to hear you screaming that,” I admit, continuing to laugh.
“Shut up,” she responds, but I don’t miss the blush that fills her gorgeous high cheek bones.
“What are you doing in here? I thought you were an art history major?” I ask, standing up to take the seat next to her.
“Minor in business,” she says, turning her body to face mine. “So, will you be my tutor?” she asks, nudging me in the arm.
“How will you pay me?” I give her a light-hearted smile.
“Hmm…let me see,” she contemplates, while placing her finger to her pink moist lips. After tasting those two weeks ago, I’ve relived every moment of that kiss and the feeling of those lips on mine.
“If you need help, I can think of something,” I jokingly whisper, leaning in closer to her, but she backs away quickly. The pit in my stomach just got bigger, realizing she regrets the kiss.
“It’s a good thing I don’t need a tutor then,” she says, abruptly backing further away, straightening in her seat, and studiously facing forward. I can’t help but feel as though I made her uncomfortable.
“Yeah, good thing,” I mumble, turning my body to the front of the room. If she wants to ignore what happened, I’ll happily oblige. As much as I want to feel her small body under mine, I don’t need this drama in my life.
Professor Lincoln walks down the steps to the podium and starts the class, while the teacher’s assistant passes out the syllabi. My fingers graze Jessa’s when she passes them down to me, leaving a flutter in my stomach. The two of us remain quiet, paying attention to Dr. Lincoln talk about the class objectives and expectations. I keep my head down, trying to ignore the awkwardness between us. I push aside the urge to grab her and feel that cold stud ring against my tongue.
Dr. Lincoln excuses the class after only twenty minutes, stating that we need to read chapters one through five regarding the practices of hiring and firing employees. It astonishes me that there are five chapters regarding that subject matter. Isn’t it just an interview, and you either get the job or not? As far as the firing goes, if someone does a shitty job, then you fire them. What is so complicated about that? Just another reason why I never wanted to take this class. But I am glad for the distraction of the blonde rocker girl that is now walking away from me.
“Wait up, Jessa,” I shout, scrambling to get my notebook in my bag so I can join her.
She stops at the next stair and moves to the side to let a couple other students make their way up the stairs. The look on her face frightens me. It’s a cross between embarrassment and anger, neither of which I want to see. Zipping up my backpack, I reach her and we both walk up the stairs together.
“Do you have another class?” I ask, placing a hand on her arm to stop her outside of the room. There goes that shock of electricity through my fingertips again.
“No, but…” she hesitates. In the short time I’ve known her, she’s never been so timid and indecisive.
“But what?”
“I’m meeting Rob in an hour at Zen’s Tattoo,” she quietly answers, almost embarrassed.
“Come have some coffee with me, my treat,” I request, motioning with my head toward the doors.
“Grant, I need to tell you something,” she says and I can tell that whatever it is, she really doesn’t want to tell me.
I place my hand on the small of her back. “Let’s just get coffee and we’ll talk about it then, okay?” I suggest, nudging her toward the doors.
We arrive to find that the Student Center is packed. With winter in full force, everyone has no other option than to congregate inside. I motion for Jessa to grab us the one small table I see open, and I go get our coffees. During the week we helped Sadie decorate, I found out that Jessa likes her coffee strong and black. After ordering us two Americanos, I make my way over to her. She’s looking down at her phone, completely distracted. I end up startling her when I approach and the way her body stiffens defensively, it scares me to think what she’s hiding from her past.
“Thank you,” she says, graciously taking the drink from my hands.
“You’re welcome.” I take my seat across from her and watch while she fidgets with the coffee sleeve.
“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, Grant. That wasn’t my intention,” she divulges, staring up at me. I never noticed until now the way her hazel eyes resemble the color of the moon as it casts down on the ocean right after sunset. Suddenly, I want to take her to the beach to compare the two sights.
“You lost me, Jessa,” I say, even though I know exactly what she’s talking about. I want to hear her say it. If she’s going to tell me she regrets the kiss that could have easily brought me to my knees in that kitchen, she has to tell me.
“The kiss…on New Year’s. I shouldn’t have done that. It put you on the spot and I’m with Rob and…,” she starts rambling and I don’t want to hear anymore.
“Do you think I didn’t want it?” I ask her. Doesn’t she realize that I probably wanted it even more than she did?
“I didn’t really give you a choice, and it was wrong of me to put you in that situation.” I hate this Jessa. She’s insecure and unsure of her actions. I prefer the take charge, accept no bull-shit Jessa.
“I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” I assure her, taking a sip of my coffee.
“I’m with Rob,” she says again, bringing the cup to her lips, effectively hiding her expression from me.
“So you keep saying. Are you staying with him?” I ask. Deep down I don’t want to know the answer because, even if she doesn’t stay with him, I’m not sure I can be her knight. That’s the last thing I can be for anyone.
“We’ve been together for a couple months. I’m not ready to end it, even if…”
“You want me?” I say, finishing her sentence for her.
“Aren’t you sure of yourself?” she jokes, and I’ve never loved the sound of her laugh more.
“Well, look at me and then Rob. I don’t see what the dilemma is,” I laugh, making sure she knows I’m not that full of myself. Not to mention, if I don’t bring humor into this situation, I might actually hear the punch she just delivered to my gut.
“In all seriousness, Jessa, it’s fine. If you want to be with Rob, no hard feelings. But if you ever change your mind, and decide you want a man who’ll treat you like you deserve, you know where to find me. I’m warning you though, there are two things I won’t do. I refuse to take another guy’s girl behind his back and secondly, I won’t wait around like a schmuck for someone to pick me either. The choice is yours.”
I stand up and walk away without looking back. There’s no way I can bear seeing if my words upset her or worse, if she’s relieved. I’d rather remain in the dark.
Jessa
He still has that confident demeanor as he walks away from me. Waving to a couple guys and girls seated at a table by the doors, he doesn’t stop to talk nor does he look back at me. Instead, he continues out the doors as though what I just told him didn’t faze him. One of the girls glances back my way and I wonder if she wants him, or worse, has already had him.
Based on what he said, I can’t decipher if he wants me for sex or a relationship. The swell of my heart is slowly overpowering the confusion in my brain. He’s all I can think of, and now every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I’ll have to sit next to him, smelling the crisp scent of his soap.