“No.” She picks up the red-haired doll and changes her into a fancy dress.
“Are you sure?”
She continues to play quietly, ignoring my existence. “Where are they?” Her voice is soft and vulnerable.
“Remember how we’ve talked about this? In Heaven,” I remind her of the conversations I had with her a few weeks ago when she cornered me at the park. Asking questions about her mom being sick and what did dying mean. I worried it wasn’t my place, but I figured I should be straight with the kid. She had legitimate questions.
“With the pretty angels,” she recalls. Picking up a doll-sized brush she starts combing the red hair over and over again.
“Yeah, she’ll watch over you now. Her and your dad. They’re never far away from you.” My best attempt to understand something I’ve never had to fathom. Everything inside of me breaks for not only this little girl, but her siblings as well.
“Will I see them?” My shoulders fall and my eyes close, willing myself to come up with anything in order to leave this girl with some hope.
“One day, you’ll meet them in Heaven. But right now, just know they’re looking over you.” Her eyes meet mine, and she studies my face for a few breath-starving minutes.
“I miss them,” she says straight-faced no emotion.
“I know.” I hold out my hand, and she clasps it tightly.
We sit for a while in the silence filled room until Dex knocks softly saying they had pizza downstairs. Chloe lets go of my hand and walks out of the room. Dex clasps my shoulder when I pass him. “You okay, man?”
“Yeah, eventually we will be,” I say.
That day I realize I would be a father to these children. Kailey and I would be their guardians. The scariest part of the whole realization was...it wasn’t. Thoughts of my days with Kailey and these three kids don’t frighten me. No anxiety or panic wash over me. Of course, I wish they could have their parents and vice versa. It’s the ultimate devastation to a family, one I would reverse in a second if I had the power. But I couldn’t, I was powerless except for the fact I could be there for them. Give them a life filled with love and laughter. I just have to convince Kailey first.
Her back is turned to me when I approach, but she knows I’m here. The urge to touch her is too great to ignore. My hand steadies on her hip, and my feet bring me closer to the warmth of her body. Leaning into her, her apple scent has me breathing deeper. It’s been two long days without her, the longest I’ve been away from her since we confessed our love for one another.
“Kailey,” I plea, begging her to let me love her, love all of them. Give me the chance to prove this is what I want, instead of her deciding for me. Her head drops, and her shoulders shudder making my hands automatically pull her toward me. Entrapping her in my arms, I hurry her out of the room while whispers swirl around us. We barge into the room I spotted on my way in. Luckily, it’s empty, and I lock the door.
I sit on the flowered couch and bring her down to my lap. She finally releases all her tears and grief into my shirt. Rubbing her arms and telling her she’ll get through this, I patiently wait for her to calm down. Anger starts to boil in my blood that things should be different. I should have fought harder when she pushed me away. With all her attempts to appear as though she’s fine and holding it all together, she’s not. How could she? How could anyone?
Forty-eight hours ago she made the decision to cut me out of her life. I sit on my bed stunned as she ends it with me. She grabs my heart, yanks it from my chest and tosses it out the fucking window. Her words are kinder at first. “You deserve a life...a life I can’t give you...this is an instant family, Trey. You’re only twenty-three.”
Then I hammer back arguments like, “You’re my life...I only need you...I love all of you...please, don’t push me away.” Our voice rise as she pushes and I pull back and forth until she hammers the final nail. “I don’t love you, Trey.” My mouth drops for the pure fact the words could leave her mouth.
“Don’t say that,” I instruct her, grabbing her by her upper arms.
“I mean it, Trey. I was just using you.” Her desperate plea to break me. She pushes my hands off her arms, and they drop to my sides. She escapes from the room, her frantic footsteps running down the stairs. The twist of the doorknob and slam of the door announcing her departure jolts me to run after her. My feet can’t go fast enough, even slipping down the last few steps. Her car is pulling out by the time I open the door, and I sprint, pounding on her window not to do this. She places her car in drive once she gets to the street, and stares at me. Her tear filled eyes look ready to burst, I think she’s relenting. She rolls her window down, and I’m positive this is it. She’ll park back in the driveway, we will drive over to the house, relieve Caden’s parents from watching the kids, and snuggle up in bed and comfort each other. I’ll help her prepare the funeral arrangements, pick out what Caden will wear and stuff like that. “It’s over, Trey,” she tells me and speeds off before I can say anything.
I stand there in the middle of the street watching her taillights disappear like some fucking movie. There’s no way she meant it, right? We’re more than this. My throat contracts with the thought of never touching her again; never a brush of our fingertips, never a taste of her luscious lips. Just like that I’m back to being seventeen, signing the papers and handing my daughter over. The guilt and pain are too unbearable, the urge to forget, to numb this pain too great to deny. I begin to walk back to the house when movement from the corner of my eye draws my attention.
“Hey, Trey,” Bridgette flirtatiously says, twirling her long hair around her finger. She’s dressed in a white tank top and tight blue boy short panties. Why hadn’t I stayed on that path, the easy one? There are no bumps, twists, or sudden curves, just a straight and flat easily accessible road with on and off ramps. “I’ve got your favorite bottle,” she informs me.
Flat and easy sounds good right about now.
Kailey rises quickly to her feet and walks to the door. She cannot leave this room. I need to prove my love to her. Fight the case she didn’t let me two nights ago. Show her how fucking good we are together. Her right hand has a tight grasp on the lock, and desperation tears into me. Grabbing her and caging her between my arms, I plant my lips on hers. The immediate desires pools between us, and I slide my tongue through her parted lips. When her body relaxes and sways into mine, I know I have her and she knows it too. She feebly attempts to push me away, even though her mouth and tongue continues to mingle with mine. I use my strength over her as my advantage, pressing my body against hers.
Then she places both her hands and with all her force, pushes me away. Anger boils in my veins that it’s not enough. I can’t get her to understand how wrong all this is. How ridiculous and selfish she’s being.
“We can’t, Trey, just leave,” she spouts with eyes glued to mine.
“No, it’s bullshit, Kailey, and you know it.”
“Why won’t you just let it go?”