A loud voice and Tara’s shriek transports me out of my thoughts. When I turn around, Kailey stands outside the doors. Her mouth agape and eyes boring into mine. I pick up Tara off the ground and pull her into my arms. She looks adorable in her black dress with a puffy bottom and satin shoes. “Put me down,” she insists. When I do, she twirls around. “Look, it’s like a princess,” she tells me, and I smile down at her.
“Yep, you’re a princess all right.”
She flutters around the room showing Holly and Clyde how when she circles around, the skirt twirls. Kailey finally makes her way up to the caskets, and Holly nudges her head my way. I pray she’s been a little persistent gnat attached to Kailey when I’m not there.
“Chloe still having nightmares,” I ask, coming along side of her as she stares down at her sister. The blank expression reminds me how Kailey can push things out and keep herself closed off from everyone that loves her.
“Yeah, only one last night,” she softly says, her eyes never leaving Jen.
“Is she sleeping with you,” I ask, and she nods.
“Holly did it last night. I feel asleep on the couch. But it’s the only way so far. Even then she fights me sometimes. She’s so startled she flails her body around until eventually succumbing to sleep again.” Her voice is so expressionless. Where is the woman I love?
“I could spend the night. I can sleep on the couch if you want.” At this point, I’ll take what I can.
She turns her head, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen her eyes so empty and voice void of any inflection. She’s pushed her emotions so far inside, I don’t know if we’ll ever find them. “No,” she says and turns to exit the room.
I’m about to chase after her until I see guests making their way to the caskets, saying their silent goodbyes. Mr. Greyson comes over, and I round up the pallbearers for him. He discusses the duties to the mixture of my friends and Caden’s relatives. It kills me that I’ll be one of them, keeping me from comforting Kailey and the kids the whole time, but at least this is one thing I can do for the man who became my friend.
Just as I’m about to make way to them again, trying to figure out in my head how I’ll ever get her to come out from behind her wall, my mom’s voice has me turning around. Her arms wrap around me, and my dad and brother, Derek, are right behind her. “What are you doing here?”
“Kailey needs us, you need us,” she tells me. My family’s unyielding love never ceases to amaze me.
“Thanks, Mom.” I bury my head into the crook of her neck, wanting to cry like a toddler. I want to tell her my problems and hope she can fix them. She quickly pushes me away, and I follow her footsteps to a very shocked Kailey. My mom mimics her previous motion and gives Kailey a big bear hug. It takes a few seconds, but eventually Kailey reacts and wraps her arms around my mom in return. Then my mom’s hands cup Kailey’s face between them, and my mom says something to her before hugging her again. Seeing Drew at her legs, my mom sweeps him up and swings an arm around Kailey’s shoulders, leading her into the other room.
“Hey, son. Are you holding up?” My dad finally speaks after witnessing the scene between Kailey and my mom.
“It’s okay. She’s shutting me out.” My dad and I have always had a good relationship. He was one of the ones who helped me decide about giving the baby up for adoption and made me realize that it wasn’t a selfish decision.
“I don’t envy her position. This is hard for anyone, but a twenty-two year old.” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine.”
“I’m becoming desperate, Dad.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.
“Give her some time and space. She’ll come around.” Isn’t that everyone’s answer? But they don’t know her like me. Then I hear Jen’s words again. “She’ll eventually relent.” When god damn it? When will she finally give in?
The director calls everyone in, and I’m about to take a seat with my parents when Chloe and Tara come over and grab each one of my hands, leading me to the couch in front of the caskets. My dad urges me to follow, so I do. They sit me right next to Kailey and hop on our laps. Holly sits in the chair next to us holding a sleepy Drew in her arms. Clyde is on the other side of her. Caden’s parents peer over at our make shift family from their own couch to the right of us.
After the priest and the prayers, the mourners file out, and the family is given time to say good-bye. Kailey surprises me when she exits the room two seconds after the doors shut. The gang has the kids along the couch, Sadie feeding them graham crackers. Uncle Clyde and Aunt Holly, along with Caden’s parents, come out fifteen minutes later, and the despair in their eyes when they look at me. They’re just as confused to how Kailey could only spend a few minutes with them.
“Can you take the kids?” I ask them, and they nod their heads.
Kailey stands outside the room, talking to one of the pallbearers. Mr. Greyson comes up to her and asks if everyone has said their goodbyes, and she nods. I grab her wrist and start walking into the room again.
“Stop it, Trey, what are you doing?” She tries to wiggle out of my grip, but I hold tight. The curious eyes over my impromptu scene does nothing to waver me.
“Kailey, you’re going to face this,” I tell her and open the parlor doors and shut them behind us. She stands with her arms crossed over her chest, an indignation I’ve grown to love. I point to the caskets. “Say goodbye,” I instruct sternly, but she shakes her head, like a fucking two year old.
“I already said goodbye,” she says not even willing to glance in their direction.
I grip her hand again and force her toward the front of the room. I take the picture of Jen and Caden and shove it in her face. “You need to face this reality, Kailey,” I take both her hands in mine. “I know this hard as hell, and you’re breaking inside, but, believe me, you’ll regret it if you don’t take the time and say good-bye.”
She says nothing, her blank green eyes peer over at Jen. “No, then it’s a reality.” Finally we’re starting getting somewhere.
“I know, baby,” I gently speak, entwining our fingers and leading her over to her sister.
She surprises me when she lays her hand on the casket and closes her eyes. I start to release her hand, to give her the space she needs, but she squeezes harder. “Stay, please.” Hell, if I would ever leave her when she needs me.
I stay quiet while she whispers sweet things to her sister, and then makes her way over to Caden, telling him goodbye. After she’s done, she looks up at me and nods. It scares the hell out of me that there are no tears in her eyes, revealing that she’s still lost somewhere inside herself. I need to reach her darkness, show her our love is worth it. One step at a time I tell myself. She allows me to keep her hand in mine as we open the doors. Most everyone has departed to their cars. All the pallbearers, including my brother, who graciously filled in for me, file into the room under Mr. Greyson’s directive. Sadie and Jessa bring the kids our way, and we stand there along with family, watching the two caskets brought out on rolling carts. The gloved hands of the men resting on top, are serious and mournful, lifting the caskets into the two hearses.
The sound of the doors being shut makes Kailey’s body jolt. I place my hand on her back, and her head drops. She grabs Drew in her arms and takes Chloe’s hand in hers. I, in turn, pick up Tara, and we leave the funeral home for a long time to come, hopefully. I don’t ask, and she doesn’t say anything when I climb into the driver’s seat of the minivan.