“You kept this from Kailey?” Uncle Clyde questions.
“I did at first, but I told Kailey months ago when things really started getting serious between us.”
“So, I’m not sure I understand,” he says.
“She found a picture of my daughter in a drawer this morning. She recognized the baby,” I practically choke back my cries.
“Oh My God!” Holly covers her mouth and sits back, her own tears welling in her eyes. “Did you know?”
“No, I swear I didn’t. If I did, I would have said something.” I shake my head violently, trying to make my point.
“I’ll be upstairs,” Holly stands up and exits the room. My eyes find Clyde, watching me warily, most likely thinking I’m a liar.
“You have to believe me.” He raises his eyebrows. “Shit, I barely believe myself. It’s so fucked up.” I drop my head in my hands. “What the hell am I supposed to do? Tell me, Clyde. Should I just disappear out of their lives? I’ll do whatever you say because my mind is fucking screwed up right now I have no idea what’s best for them.” The tears fall onto the table. My mind is racing, I wanted this life before I even knew Chloe was mine. Could I even walk away from them if it was for the better? My mind says yes, but my heart screams no.
“You’re not going anywhere. You promise me you didn’t orchestrate this whole scenario?” he asks.
“No, I never would have thought it. About a month after I signed the papers, our adoption organizer called me and said she had something for us. When my ex-girlfriend and I went to pick up the envelope, she gave us each a picture and told us the adoptive parents wanted us to have it. We talked with her about our lives and what we were doing in school. Zoey, my ex, was having a hard time, partying non-stop. I think she was regretting giving her up, trying to mask it through drinking and having fun, but I didn’t know for sure. Then when we got in the car she confirmed it. She told me she caught the postage city stamped on the envelope. It was from Western. She wanted us to come up and find her. I told her it was for the best and that our daughter was in better hands than ours. It’s the day we broke up, she turned to drugs and alcohol to make her forget.
“For some reason when it came time to decide on a college, I thought I could be closer to her if I came here. In the first few months, I scanned every little girl, trying to compare them to the picture. I don’t know if I even had a clue of what I would have done if I had come across her. But as I started my college years, I knew Zoey and I made the right decision. I never stopped thinking of her, but I stopped searching for her. Believe me, Clyde, this has thrown me just as much as you guys.”
“What do you think you want?” he asks, tapping his fingers on the table.
“How could you ask me that?” I raise my face to stare into his.
“I think it’s a legitimate question.” His face stone cold.
“I was all in before I even knew Chloe was mine. Nothing changes that, but I’m not sure Kailey will ever believe me. If you think they’ll be happier without me, say the word and I’m gone.”
“That’s not a question for me.” His eyes shift to the left. Kailey stands in the doorway with the blue envelope in her hand. The letter I wrote to my daughter. My letter to Chloe. Her face is red faced and blotchy from tears.
Clyde gets up from the table. He and Holly walk out the front door. Kailey leans against the wall, fiddling with the letter in her hand.
“I guess she’s yours,” she mumbles, standing still.
“I didn’t know,” I say. My hands itch to hold her. For her to hold me. She’s the only one who calms me when I’m upset, but I may never get to feel that unconditional love ever again.
“I’m unsure of what to say, but here,” she steps forward and hands me the letter. “Please, tell me I’m not some naïve idiot for believing you had no idea Chloe was the same girl in this picture?” She digs the picture and letter out of her back pocket and hands them to me.
I look at the angelic baby remembering how many times I wondered where she was or what she was doing. All those questions now have answers, but they’ve brought on so many more questions because of it. “It was a closed adoption. All Zoey and I had was how long the parents were married, what they did for a living, and other unidentifiable information. We weren’t given any names or where they lived. Neither were they about us. There was a short bio on each of them. We went through so many, constantly disagreeing, but eventually we settled on...well, Jen and Caden. It said the guy worked for some research company and the woman was going to be a stay at home mom.” She nods her head, obviously still not convinced.
“Why did you come to Western if you were so set on not knowing anything?” I just realized if I would have told her most of this before we wouldn’t be where we are right now. Does she think I’m jumping up and down inside with excitement because I’m still shocked on the whole issue.
“I did come to be close, I’m not going to lie. I wasn’t set on not knowing anything. It was one of the hardest things about the adoption. The only couple Zoey and I felt right about wanted a closed adoption. It wasn’t what we wanted, but we felt they would be the best parents—for Chloe.
“The first few months after I came to Western, I would look in every stroller, trying to find her. But then I met Brady, Dex, and Rob. Eventually I came to realize, if I believed in my decision to place her for adoption, I had to live my life. Make something of myself. Pretty soon I wasn’t glancing in every stroller or scrutinizing every little girl looking for any similarities as I walked by. She stayed with me, but assured she was living a great life I let her go. And I’m thankful I was right. That I gave her to people like Jen and Caden makes me even more sure of my decision.” I toss my hands through my short hair, resting them on the back of my neck. At the rate I’m going to pull out all the newly grown hair.
“How do I know you didn’t figure it out and used me to get close?”
I sit there quietly for a while contemplating how to go about this because it’s a sore subject for her. But to really convince her I have to say it. I grab her hand between both of mine, happy when she doesn’t pull away. “Kailey,” I bite my lip, wishing I still had my piercing to fidget with. “Don’t you think I would have approached you before the airplane?” Her face falls and her eyes dart to the table, and she attempts to pull her hand from my grip. Grasping it harder, I entwine our fingers and place my finger under her chin, bringing her face up to look at me. “I don’t say it to hurt you. I regret every day before that airplane ride. If I could go back and change it, I would, but we can’t. It proves Kailey that I really had no idea. Please, believe in what we’ve built together. I know it took me forever to find you, but the day I did everyone else disappeared.” My teeth find my lip again, nervous habits are hard to break.
Then she walks over to the wooden table, opening the bottom drawer. As soon as she pulls it out, I figure out what it is. She rests it on the table and takes a seat. The pastel colored book labeled Our Baby Girl grips at my heart. “Here you go,” she pushes it toward me, and I hesitantly begin to open. “Jen and Caden tried for three years to have a baby. She went through rounds of fertility treatments. They explored international adoption, but domestic as well. One case fell through. It was to be an open adoption. The birth mom changed her mind after two weeks. Jen had already mothered that baby. Set up to get breast milk from one of those agencies. It devastated her. They agreed that they would only do closed adoption after that. They were on wait lists after wait lists, and Jen was growing extremely impatient. I remember the day she told me about Chloe. She was so excited, but I could see the fear in her eyes that one day, she would be taken away from her.”
As Kailey explains Jen and Caden’s struggles, I open the book of my baby’s life. The first picture is the same as mine. I run my hands over them, starting on the day they received her to her first birthday. Her happiness displayed in each one of her smiles and laughs caught by the camera shows me I made the right decision. On her first birthday, there’s one with Kailey and her. Their cheeks side by side, smiling widely for the camera with a great big princess cake in front of them.