The sound of crying.
Before he could stop himself, he was standing at the bathroom door, hand raised to knock.
Another soft mew drifted through the barrier.
Trent stilled his fist in midair. What did he think he was going to do? Ride into the bathroom like a white knight? Gather her in his arms? Kiss her tears away?
He’d already established he was no hero. He couldn’t take her hurt away. He wasn’t the man to comfort her. He had only to remember what happened this morning in this very hotel room to know that. The flavor of her lips. The heat of her naked skin pressed to his. The wounded look in her eyes when he finally regained his senses and brought himself under control.
He let his fist fall to his side. The only way he knew to comfort her was to take her in his arms. And once her body molded to his, he didn’t know if he could stop himself again.
Even if he could, he would only end up hurting her more.
Trent leaned his forehead against the door frame and listened, soaking up her pain, her frustration. Letting it swirl around inside him and mix with his own.
Slowly the silence lengthened and her sobs grew farther apart. He forced himself to push away from the door and move to the other side of the room. A few long minutes later, the bathroom door opened and Risa padded into the room.
She peered at him with red-rimmed eyes. Her flannel nightshirt fell halfway down her slim thighs, its boxy cut making her look all the more fragile. Strands of dark hair stuck to her cheeks.
His fingers itched to smooth her hair back, but he forced his hands to remain riveted to his sides. “Are you all right?”
She opened her eyes wide, as if to keep drops from spilling down her cheeks.
He bit his tongue. What a damn fool thing to say. Of course she wasn’t all right. And she wouldn’t be all right. Not until he found Dryden. Not until he brought Nikki back to her, safe and sound. Not until he cleared out of her life and let her heal. “I’m sorry, Rees.”
She swallowed hard and wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold. “Me, too. About everything. Us. Dryden. Nikki. Farrentina.”
“Farrentina?”
Risa’s chin trembled, but she didn’t allow a single tear to fall. “She’s so much like Nikki. So needy. So damaged. I can’t help but wonder if Farrentina had a big sister who abandoned her. A sister who could have made a difference but didn’t.”
He ached to take Rees in his arms, to soothe her guilt. Guilt Rees dredged up every time Nikki made a bad decision, every time she engaged in risky behavior. “You were only a kid, Rees.”
“I was twelve years old.”
“Exactly. And you were living in an intolerable situation. Moving in with your father was self-preservation. You can’t beat yourself up for that.”
“I knew what it was like in that trailer, what her life would be like if I left. But I got out anyway. I left her behind.” She shook her head, a shiver claiming her body. “Nikki had no one.”
“You can’t blame yourself.”
“She blames me.”
“I know.”
“She was so hungry for love. She was an easy mark.”
“There’s no way a twelve-year-old child should be expected to fill the roles of mother and father. You know that as well as I do.”
“I could have taken her in once I was settled, sent her to a good high school. She wouldn’t have had to rely on her dad.”
Trent had never met Nikki’s father, but he’d seen the damage the man had done to Nikki. At eighteen and just out of high school, Nikki seemed to be convinced the only value she had to men was sex. All Dryden had had to do was show a little interest in her as a person, whisper a few romantic words, and Nikki would soak it up like a drought-plagued farm field.
She didn’t stand a chance.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Risa.”
“How can I not be?”
“If this had happened to someone besides yourself, what advice would you give?”
She looked down at her folded arms. “Nice trick, but it didn’t just happen to me. I caused it. I just wish I could make it right.”
“You’ve always wanted to make everything right.”
“Something wrong with that?”
“Sometimes you can’t fix things. Sometimes things can never be right again.”
Risa peered at him, eyes moist. But she didn’t cry. And somewhere, beneath the tears, beneath the pain, he saw the glimmer of light in her eyes. A light that had gone out in his own eyes long ago. “I can’t believe that, Trent. I can never let myself believe that.”
He closed his eyes and pressed his lids with his fingertips. Of course she couldn’t. Not Rees. That was what made her who she was.
Opening his eyes, he studied her. So vulnerable, so frail, yet underneath, strong as steel. Another shiver racked her body.
Trent couldn’t stand to see her like this. He couldn’t be with her, couldn’t love her, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t offer comfort.
He crossed to the bed and pulled back the blanket and sheet. Guiding her down to the mattress, he tucked her feet under the covers and rested her head back on the pillow. Taking a fortifying breath, he crawled into bed beside her, pulling the blankets up over them both.
“Better?”
“Thanks, Trent. I just…”
“You don’t have to explain.”
She needed him. And if that meant holding her until she slipped into blessed unconsciousness, until she forgot her pain and worry and fear for a few short hours, he would do it.
Rolling to her side, she snuggled back against him, fitting into the curl of his body like the missing piece of a puzzle.
Pain sharp and hot pierced his chest and ripped its way downward to his groin. Pain he couldn’t stem. Pain he deserved.
He closed his eyes and listened to the ragged rhythm of her breathing slowly even out. In and out. In and out. He imagined the peace of sleep softening the worry in her face, soothing the regrets torturing her mind.
If only she’d let past feelings between them lie. Let them stay in the ground and decompose until the passing of time took all the pain, all the agony from them. Until nothing was left but dust.
But she hadn’t.
And moreover, he hadn’t.
And now once again the brilliant light of who she was and how she made him feel pierced the darkness of reality. Beckoned him. Tempted him. Tortured him.
He wanted to feel that light. To capture it. But if he reached out to take what she offered, his obsession with his job and the darkness that followed him home would eventually defile and destroy that very thing that made her who she was.
And he could never allow that to happen.
Nikki
Eddie hadn’t been kidding when he’d said this place was private. They’d driven for a long time, following winding country roads, before they’d reached an old farm gate. Eddie broke the lock, and they’d driven through forest, this time on a dirt road. Finally the trees gave way to a river, and the tiniest cabin Nikki had ever seen.
“This is your place?” Farrentina asked, climbing out of the car. “What a dump.”
“I said it was private. Not fancy.”
“It has a fucking outhouse.”
“I think it’s cute,” Nikki said, even though she actually agreed with Farrentina’s assessment. She waited for Eddie to give her a smile, a look—something—but it never came.
“Is it not good enough for you, Farrentina?” Eddie asked.
“Of course, it’s not good enough.” She draped herself on him again. “But I don’t care where I am, as long as I’m with you.”
“Really?”
“I’ve never meant anything more in my life.”