“What was it?”
“That I don’t sacrifice. Not for Nikki. Not for anyone. I never have.”
“That’s not you.”
Risa took a step away, letting Trent’s hand skim down her shoulder and fall from her arm. She couldn’t have him touching her now. Feeling sorry for her. If anyone didn’t warrant sorry, it was her.
“Risa…”
“When have I sacrificed, Trent? I could have stayed with Nikki when I was a kid. I could have protected her. Hell, I could have taken her to live with me after I moved out on my own. Our mother wouldn’t have cared. She probably wouldn’t have even noticed.”
“Risa, that’s not fair.”
“And you. You walked away to protect me from all this. What did I sacrifice? I wasn’t even able to let you go. I had to see Dryden for myself. I had to understand. God, I…”
“The blame for that isn’t yours.”
Risa didn’t know what to say. She’d spent the last two years angry with Trent for pushing her away, and now just as she was recognizing her role in their breakup, he was agreeing with her past argument? “Trent, I was wrong to focus that on you.”
“No, you weren’t.” Releasing a breath, he shook his head. “This job changes a person, Rees. It makes you look at the world in an entirely different way. It becomes who you are.”
“I understand what you’re saying Trent, but—”
“No, you don’t. And I’m doing a damn poor job of explaining.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, then dropping his hand, he looked at her. “I’ll bet your stomach is tied in a big damn knot. That’s why you aren’t interested in those sandwiches downstairs, even though you’ve eaten only once in the past forty-eight hours.”
Judging from the look on Trent’s face, the question was rhetorical. Risa held her tongue and let him go on.
“And sleep? You’ve gotten about three hours since I first knocked on your door.”
Another statement she couldn’t refute.
“You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. Dryden has destroyed your piece of mind, Rees. And it can’t be fixed. You’ll never feel safe again. Even if this trap works like a charm. Even if we get Nikki back. Even if we catch Dryden. You’ll never walk up the front steps of your house without seeing Farrentina Hamilton’s body. You’ll never look through a peephole without seeing Dryden’s eyes staring back at you.”
Risa flinched at his words. He was right. Those events would haunt her the rest of her life. Even now she couldn’t imagine returning to her home. She couldn’t imagine feeling safe inside those walls again.
“And the longer you are exposed to Dryden’s brand of evil, the worse it gets. Believe me. It eats at you until every man you see looks like a killer. Until every stranger’s smile seems like a threat. You can’t enjoy anything, not a sunny day. Not a warm breeze. Not the scent of lilacs.” He closed his eyes and scrubbed his face with his fingers, as if trying to erase images only he could see.
An involuntary shiver claimed her.
“I never wanted that for you. This job, it has taken away all of that from me, but two years ago, you could have been spared. You could have really lived.”
“And that’s why you left.”
Trent nodded. “I couldn’t let my work destroy your life like that. And I couldn’t give up the work.”
Reaching up, Risa touched his jaw. His beard stubble rasped rough as sandpaper under her fingertips. Rough and harsh and dark.
“Then…” Risa’s voice cracked , but she refused to let herself cry. She needed to ask. It had been two years, and she still didn’t know. “What happened? The first time you came to Wisconsin? You said there was a moment. What was it?”
Trent
Trent had never told anyone. He didn’t want to talk about it now. In retrospect, the whole thing seemed trivial. Ridiculous that something so small could cause him to overhaul his life. But at the time…
At the time, it had changed everything. And Risa deserved to know. He should have told her a long time ago. “We tracked Dryden and his wife to the hunting cabin, but we were too late.”
Risa nodded.
She knew all this, of course. How they’d found him displaying her body. How he’d escaped into the forest. How they’d pursued him with dogs, and he’d given himself up. It had dominated the news, not just in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, but nationwide. However, the next part hadn’t been in the media reports, not because the FBI had held it back, but because it was so insignificant.
At least to everyone but Trent. “There were a pair of teddy bears… in the cabin.”
“Belonging to his twins?”
“Yeah. And when I saw them…” He couldn’t go on. There was no way to describe what he’d felt. How his upcoming wedding, his plans with Risa… how all of it had suddenly gone so dark.
“When you saw them, you thought of me. You thought of my collection.”
“It’s stupid. Fucking teddy bears.”
Trent expected Risa to be confused. Or maybe angry. Instead, she watched him, her expression thoughtful. “Whatever happened to those little girls?”
“I don’t know. They were adopted. Records sealed.”
“To protect them.”
“Yeah.”
“You can’t protect someone from themselves, Trent.”
She wasn’t talking about Dryden’s twins anymore, Trent knew.
“I should have told you. Should have made you understand.”
“I do now.” Risa raised her hand, placed it on his chest, over his heart.
He could feel the heat of her palm. When she smoothed her hand up and down over his shirt, he leaned into her touch.
As soon as he met her eyes, he knew he was lost, or maybe found, he wasn’t sure anymore. But Trent didn’t wait for her to tilt her face to his, to tiptoe up for a kiss. He circled her with his arms, gathered her tight, and brought his lips to hers.
He’d intended the kiss to be gentle, tender. But as his lips brushed hers, he realized he couldn’t hold back. All the years, all the regrets, none of it mattered. He ran his hand down her arm, over her shoulder, and to her sweet face, trailing his fingertips along her cheek and into the softness of her hair until he cradled the back of her head in his hand.
Trent’s life had become a lonely hell. A study in perseverance. In deprivation. And he couldn’t change it. He could never change it. But tonight… tonight he could soak in her energy, store it in his heart and use it to beat back the loneliness. Use it to fortify himself, so he could go on.
And he could only hope he could offer the same to Risa.
Her mouth opened to him, soft and pliant and real. She tasted like honey and felt as soft and comforting as a peaceful night. A night of clear skies and the twinkle of stars overhead. A night uninterrupted by nightmares.
It had been so long since he’d allowed himself to feel anything but anger and regret, the sensation was almost painful in its intensity.
And he wanted more.
Tearing his lips from hers, he grasped her hand and led her up the stairs to the guest room. She followed willingly, eagerly. Her gaze latched on to his as if she too was unable to look away.
He led her across the threshold into a room as soft and feminine as Rees herself. Lace dripped from the bed. Candles lined the nightstand. His shoes sank into the thick rug.
The scent of fresh lilacs washed over him in a wave. His stomach constricted. Memories pressed at the back of his eyes, struggling to come to the surface, but he pushed them back.
Tonight wasn’t for remembering. Not the bad, and not even the good. Tonight, he needed to be in the present. To feel everything. To fill himself.
Trent pulled her to him, and her softness molded to his body. Her warmth washed over his skin. And instead of memories of blood and obscenity gliding in the lilac scent’s wake, its sweetness merely enhanced the fragrance of her hair, her skin.