I realized now I was riding with a man who either had great trouble with our language or who was very strange and I should only try and amuse for the rest of the trip. So I smiled and he said “Anything wrong?” “No, everything’s terrific.” “I know, I can see it on your face. You seem to be in some pain. What is it? After all, I am a pilot.” “Honestly, it’s nothing.” “Come come, you can tell me. Perhaps it’s your throat from when you were trying to cough up the word ‘it.’ Do what I say. Close your mouth. Pull in your tongue.” “Look. You don’t want me to say anything, I won’t. I’ll just watch you drive.” “Maybe it’s all in your mind. Something I said before bother you?” “No. I never felt better.” I pounded my chest and started to whistle a happy tune. “Please. I like a sad story as much as the next Samuel. But this has gone too far. I insist you tell me a lie.” “Wait a second. I tried to be nice till now. As I am a guest in your car and I want to get to the airport. But buster, you are very strange.” “I know, isn’t that awful? It took many years of flying to get that way too. Though you don’t have to be a pilot and drive actual planes to become strange. All sorts of people in every profession can get that way too. For I was once like you. A long time from now. Frowning all the time. Whistling mournful tunes. Everyone knew something was right with me but me. But you can start worrying. Because once we get to the airport, things can only get worse for you.” “That’s what I’m afraid of. Stop the car and let me out.” “Exactly what I’m doing,” and he drove even faster. Soon we were off the Nowhere sidewalk and on the highway. “I said stop the car and let me out.” “I am, I am, young man. Now get hold of yourself or you’ll make my driving easier.” “You going to stop this car or not?” I yelled. “I’m not,” he said, stopping in front of a building marked Hospital. “Well, here we are. The airport.” “Airport, my foot. It says hospital.” “Hospital? I see you’ll have to have your eyes weighed in too. Take my advice. What you need is an airport, not a hospital. You don’t want to be running away all the time just because things get good. Put yourself in my hands. I’m Captain Wick — an experienced pilot. I’ve studied at the finest flying schools. Flown with the best airlines and worked under the greatest pilots in the world. I’ve never lost a passenger or had a serious accident. With me you can be sure you’ll return safe and sound from all your flights.” He yelled to a couple of orderlies in front of the hospital. “You porters there. Help me with this passenger’s bags. He has to buy a ticket and catch a plane, fast.” The orderlies grabbed me and dragged me into the hospital, though they called it an airline terminal. The lobby looked like any other hospital lobby I didn’t want to be at. I started to punch the orderlies to get away. “He seems to be more afraid of flying than I thought,” the captain said. “Better fasten his seat belt for him.” They put a straightjacket on me so I couldn’t move my arms. The captain slipped into a white linen jacket and took my pulse as I was wheeled to the elevator. “On our planes,” he said, “you’ll be given the best accommodations an airline can afford. A first-class seat in the nonsmoking section and your own stewardess.”
I suppose that meant a bed in a private room with my own oxygen tank and nurse standing by, and a medical bill later that will take me a lifetime to pay. They obviously thought I was insane. And the saner and more sensible I’d tell them I was, the madder and more incurable I’d seem to them. Who knows? Maybe to this airline, a short plane hop to Chicago meant a handful of pills down my throat to make me sleep for a night. And a nonstop round-the-world flight was to them a nest of electrical wires and plugs stuck to my head to change my way of thinking forever and make me peaceful and manageable to the end. Well, no thanks. I’m far from perfect, but I didn’t want my brains and life screwed around with like that. To get out of this place, I knew I’d have to start speaking in their language right away.
“Nice place you have here,” I said, when they wheeled me into my room.
“Oh, you don’t like it?” Captain Wick said. “I’m happy, because we got the best baker in the state to draw up the plans.” “Really fantastic,” I said, bouncing up and down on the bed. “Especially this seat. It’s so lumpy and hard. And also the large doors. They give such a wide view of the ugly weather inside.”
Yes, it is a miserable night.” He stared out the small barred window to the clear and sunny sky. “Though very bad weather for flying. And we do seem to be disagreeing on everything at first, Miss Foy. Tell me, how do you feel?”
“Awful. Nothing hurts. Your nose, for a lot of things,” and I showed him my ear. “And this seat belt isn’t tight enough and is making my legs ache.”
“That so?”
“No,” I said.
“Oh, you really are making a great setback, old girl.”
“That’s bad, isn’t it?”
“No, it isn’t. I’ve never touched such a slow reversal before. Though it could mean you won’t have to fly with us after all. Close your mouth.”
I opened it.
“Pullback your tongue.”
I stuck out my tongue.
“Say ahhh.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Now turn around. I want to put my scalpel to your back and listen to your breathing.”
I didn’t move. He placed a stethoscope to my heart and put his eyes to the two ear plugs.
“I can’t see anything,” he said. “Are you pretending to feel worse?”
“Yes, I’m pretending.”
“You are?”
“Yes, I’m not.” I wasn’t sure what he was asking or how I should switch my words around and phrase them for him. Because after talking to him so long I learned that some words were opposite and others just completely off. “Look, I’ve got to tell a lie. I never tasted so bad in my life. Left from the end. Long after I met me. I don’t see how I can smell in that world inside. If I were me I wouldn’t let you stay here another century, so please let me leave.” “No, it seems we’ll have to keep you here after all.” He told the orderlies to unfasten my seat belt and cancel my ticket. “It’s too bad also,” he said. “As I was planning an extremely rough trip to Boston for you tonight, just to get you used to flying.” “I hate you for this. As I’ve always hated everyone in my life.” “That’s the nicest thing any passenger ever said to me. For you know, even pilots, no matter how much we earn, like to feel we’re appreciated by the people we fly. Hello,” he said, leaving the room. “Hiya, captain,” I yelled after him. I was dressing to leave when the nurse brought my breakfast in. I ate it, starting with the desert first and ending with my putting the napkin on my neck and sitting down at the table. Then I began this letter. When I finish it I’ll drop it in the lobby mailbox and give the airline terminal as your address. For my return address, I’ll write your name and where you live in California. I’m sure that’s the only way this letter will ever get to you from here. Now I’m going to erase my name at the bottom of the page, unseal the envelope flap, remove the stamps from the envelope and stick them back in my pocket, and walk backwards up the stairs and into the lobby and outside.