“Next Friday will be four years.” She gets choked up on the words. I start to stand and Nicole glares at me. Bright leans over and places his hand on my shoulder, telling me silently to sit my ass down. Kens is looking at her lap. “My mom was murdered,” she finally says. “Justin’s brother, Joe, he attacked me and my mom walked in during his attempt. He had a knife; he killed her.” She sobs into her hands. Nicole gives me a look, warning me to sit still as she puts her arms around Kensington’s shoulders and hugs her.
Kens gets herself under control and starts from the beginning of the story. I sit and listen to her soft voice, laced with anger and pain, and I want to kill JT and Joe. I know that won’t bring her mom back, but, fuck, I hate to see her hurt. Her eyes are tired and she’s pale. I hate what seeing him is doing to her. I hate seeing her like this.
I MAKE IT through the entire story for the second time today. I’m exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’m afraid to look at Max, afraid of what he’ll say. His lifelong friend’s brother killed my mother. I dated a good friend of his.
“Kensi.” His voice is thick and I can hear the pain and emotion threatening to break free. “Baby, can you look at me?” he asks.
I suck in a deep breath and lift my head. He’s watching me, his eyes glassy with tears. “You with me, babe?” he questions. I nod letting him know that I am indeed with him.
“You’re right here.” He holds his hand over his heart. “I love you with everything that I am. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’m sorry you’ve lived with this all these years. Sorry you’ve been dealing with it on your own. Your story changes nothing for me. I choose you, Kens. Baby, I will always choose you. Every time, no hesitation, no doubts. It’s me and you.”
Tears, which I don’t bother to stop, fall from my eyes. “Kensi,” he whispers my name and I need his arms around me. For just a little while, I want to pretend Justin is not a close friend of his, that I didn’t just release all the hurt and pain I’ve been holding in for far too long. I stand from my position on the bed, not able to stay away from him any longer. He mirrors my actions and it’s as if our bodies levitate toward each other. “I want to make you levitate.” His words the first time we made love come back to me and I realize that no matter what the situation is, those words will hold true.
He’s now standing in front of me. I reach for his hand and he laces his fingers through mine. “Let me be your rock, Kens.”
I lose the fight with his words and lean into him. He doesn’t hesitate to pull me tight against him. He murmurs his love for me and holds on tight. I hear him ask Bright and Nicole to give us a few minutes. A few seconds later, the room is quiet. “Kens, you’re exhausted; let’s lie down.” He leads us to the bed. Keeping a hold on me, he pulls back the covers and I slide in. He pulls off my shoes then kicks off his own. He climbs in beside me and engulfs me in his arms. He holds me while I cry and my heart breaks for what we could have had. I will always love him, but how can we go on when he is so close with Justin. I don’t think I would ever be okay with that. I know he would choose me, but I can’t ask him to do that. I push the thought out of my mind and go back to pretending that none of today’s events happened. I just want to feel his love a little longer.
“I got you.” His voice penetrates the quiet room. “There is nowhere I want to be more than I want to be right here with you. No matter what the situation may be, that will never change.” I feel him kiss the top of my head. “I love you, Kensington James.”
I squeeze my eyes closed and fight back yet another round of tears. I don’t know how I am going to move on from him. All I know is that I will cherish every moment I’ve spent with him and pray that it will get me through.
We lay tightly embraced for hours. I’m exhausted but sleep evades me. I know I’m not staying and the ache in my chest from that alone is keeping me awake. Maxton fought it as well. He held me and administered sweet kisses anywhere his lips could reach. I kept my body turned away from his. Getting lost in him is not a risk I can take at this point. I’ve already tried to talk myself out of leaving a million times. I finally hear his breathing even out and I know he has finally drifted off to sleep. He still has a tight grip on me, so I wait. Wait for him to fall into a deep sleep so I can slip out undetected and sever the connection we share. I just can’t be with him, not with Justin in the picture and not with them being friends. I just… can’t.
His hold on me loosens just enough that I think I can slip away. I swallow hard to fight off the tears. I need to leave quickly and quietly. As slowly as I can, I lift his arm and slide out from under him. He grumbles and rolls over. I sit still on the edge of the bed, waiting to see if he’s going to wake up. He doesn’t. Standing quietly, I grab the hotel pad of paper that is sitting on the table and the complimentary pen and write him a note. I don’t want him to worry, but he also needs to realize it’s over. My stomach twists painfully at the thought. Pushing through the pain and the heartache, I write to him.
Maxton-
You came into my life without warning and changed everything for me.
I never thought I could let myself fall in love with anyone, until you.
I’m sorry I slipped out while you were sleeping, but I couldn’t handle the pain in your eyes when you found out I was leaving. When I told you I loved you, I meant it.
You will always be the other half of me. I can’t ask you to choose a lifelong friend over me and I can’t stay and be involved in any part of his life. I need for you to understand that this is what needs to happen. Please let me go. I need you to know that I will cherish every moment, every touch, every kiss, every single memory from our time spent together. Please take care of you.
Love You, Forever and Always,
Kensington
My eyes are blurry from tears and I’m not even sure what I wrote, but regardless, he will get the point. I left and what we had has to end. Grabbing my keys and phone, I stop by his side of the bed and take in the sight of him sleeping. This is the last time I will ever see him this way. The pain is real, the tightness in my chest, the lead weight in the pit of my stomach, it’s real. I’m about to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me. I place my hand over my mouth to prevent a sob from breaking free. I swallow hard a few times before I’m able to whisper the words, “I love you, always, Maxton Cooper.” Then turn and slip quietly out the door.
Keeping my head down, I’m able to make it to the car without anyone asking if I’m all right. I can only imagine how I look with the events of tonight wearing on me. Then again, it is the middle of the night. I’m sure the night staff couldn’t care less about my broken heart; they are just here to get paid.
The drive home is long. I drive straight through, just wanting my bed. I pull into the apartment at seven; the sun is just starting to rise. I have to muster up the energy to even get out of the car. I’m emotionally drained; my body is weak and I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep and try to block it all out. Knowing I have my bed waiting for me motivates me to exit the car. I stop in the lobby and get the mail, which will save me a trip down later. I’m expecting paperwork from school regarding my externship. Shit! I forgot all about the extern. I make a mental note to talk to my professor on Monday and start looking for a new site.