He liked that one and took another swig himself. “As Rumsfeld just told the world, Nick, there will be covert operations and they’ll be secret even in success.”
“Did you know beforehand that Zeralda was into boys? We were briefed it was just hookers.”
“As I said, even God doesn’t know everything I know. I wanted to make sure you guys finished the job. Not being mentally geared up for it, then seeing something as sick as that would make it…shall I say, less confusing? I just figured you’d be thinking it could be your own kid. Am I right?”
I nodded. The expression in those boys’ eyes had reminded me of the way Kelly looked when her parents were killed.
“Nick, I understand what you want from life now, but things have changed for all of us since September, and everything’s ratcheted up again in the last twenty-four hours. My grandfather was only here a year before fighting for this country in the First World War. My father did the same in the Second, because he wanted this country to remain free. I’ve done the same all my life, and even found myself crying on nine-eleven — and that’s not a place I often go to.
“Do this new job for me, and I guarantee you’ll get a Nick Stone passport. All you’ll need to do is swear your oath of allegiance and that’s it, you’re one of the seven hundred thousand new Americans this year.” He switched on the kind of expression you normally only see in stained-glass windows. “You’re one of us now, Nick. All the people you love live here. Think about Kelly. What world do you want her to grow up in? The kind of place where you freak out every time she flies here to see you? Who knows? It’ll take a while, but Carrie will understand. Think about it, Nick, just think.”
I’d done my thinking. I’d heard all I needed to hear.
I stood up, handing him the empty mug. “No. I’ve done my part. We had a deal and my only job now is to make things right with Carrie.”
Chapter 8
I ran out into the street. I didn’t need to be Oprah Winfrey or Dr. Phil to work out where she had gone — I mean, where do you go when the man you’ve poured your heart out to turns around and kicks you?
I found the Plymouth and walked down into Little Harbor. She was sitting on the beach, staring out at the houses on the other side of the bay. My footsteps crunched on ice as I approached.
“Carrie, I’m so sorry…”
She turned very slowly to face me. “How could you?” Her voice was weary, defeated, empty even of the bitterness I expected and, I guessed, deserved. “How do you think this makes me feel? I trusted you.”
“I’m not turning into your dad. It was just that once. One job. It’s over now.”
“Of all people…He caused Aaron’s death, remember? The same man who was going to blow up an American cruise ship just so the White House would have the excuse to march back into Panama. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
I hated it when she looked at me like that. It was as though she could see right through me, and it wasn’t a view I’d ever much enjoyed.
“I’m so sad, Nick. I’m feeling bereaved all over again. I feel so goddamn stupid; I thought we had something good happening here.”
I sat down beside her. “Look, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you, but what could I have said to make it sound all right?”
“The truth, that’s all I needed and always need from you. The truth I can handle, the truth I can work with, but this…” She turned away, tears running down her face.
I thought about Zeralda’s head, and gave mine a shake. “Carrie, you remember how it was in Panama. You know how these jobs work. There are some truths you really don’t want to know…”
“This has been the story of my life, Nick. I just can’t risk it all happening again. I know it’s selfish of me, but I don’t think I can take it anymore. That man is responsible for so much pain in my life. He sacrificed me and my mom by dedicating himself to his double-dealing world. But even so, I allowed myself to be sucked in, and because of it my husband was killed. I kid myself I blame George for Aaron’s death, but do you know what? Really, I blame myself. I let my own father exploit me, the way he exploits everyone.
“In Panama, he knew I was desperate to get a passport for Luz so we could get back to the States. But I’ve never gotten anything from him for free. Even as a little girl, I always had to earn it first.”
I watched her as her eyes concentrated on the water but her mind was elsewhere. “Aaron was right all along. He told me that once it started and George knew we were desperate for the passport, it would never stop because George wouldn’t let it. And you know what? He was right, because here we are again. How can I let myself be with you until I know you’ve no longer got even a toe in that world?
“I’ve made the mistake of depending on you. Depending on you being there when I wake up in the morning. And, worse still, Luz has started to get used to you being around, too. I’m not going to run the risk of having to tell her that another person she loved, that she relied upon, is lying in some ditch with a bullet in the back of his head….”
I reached out to touch her but she stiffened and moved away.
“You could have applied for citizenship. You could have gone back to school, had a home, you could have had me. Doesn’t any of that mean anything?”
I didn’t answer her immediately. “I can’t think of anything I’d like more. It’s the full fairy tale, for me.” I didn’t know how she did it, but I always found myself saying things to her that I thought I’d kept well buried. “Perhaps the real truth is that I can’t quite believe there’s a place for me in your perfect world. Remember what I said to you in the jungle? My world may look like a pile of shit—”
“—but at least you sometimes get to sit on top of it…”
I looked at her, hoping for even a hint of a smile, but I hadn’t come close.
“That’s not the issue here.” Her voice was still sad and tired. “You lied to me, Nick, that’s the long and the short of it. Nothing’s changed. You betrayed what I thought we had. Oh, God, when I think what I said to you today, I feel so ridiculous.”
My heart was pounding as I stood behind her, trying to think what I could say. “We just need time, Carrie. We just need time…”
She shook her head. The tears were running off her face now and onto her down jacket, staining the nylon a darker green. “You’d better go. Both of us have got to do some thinking. I don’t think I can just now. When you’re ready to come back to me on my terms, Nick, give me a call.
“Until then, if it has to be you who does my father’s dirty work for him, Nick, it has to be you. I’ll never forget what you did for us in Panama. I’ll always admire the man you are, and I’ll always love the man you might have allowed yourself to be. But don’t expect Luz and me to come and put flowers on your grave….”
Chapter 9
Navigation lights flashing in the gloom, an American Airways jet thundered down the runway and took off, quickly disappearing into dense low cloud. I turned back from the window and looked at George. His finger was jabbing a copy of the The Boston Globe so I could see the front-page pictures of dead Taliban scattered across Afghanistan.
“A wounded animal is the most dangerous of all, Nick. There will be another strike; it’s just a matter of where and when.” He gave me a look of such intensity that I began to realize I was going to be going sooner rather than later. “We’ve received grade-A int in the last few days that they’re putting something together for Christmas. But we have no idea of the target — and that’s where you come in.”