“What the fuck happened to her?” I snapped. I was so on edge I didn’t even filter my anger when Avery was obviously wrecked about the situation.
“It’s my fault.” She looked so dismal, and I was immediately sorry for coming off so strong.
“It’s not your fault,” Ian said, stepping in behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders. She allowed him to, even leaned into his touch. I pretended to brush it off because, at that point, I needed to concentrate on my mother.
“Why do you think it’s your fault?”
She stepped forward and looked up at me. “I went to talk to her about… everything that happened.” She began twisting her hands together, then looked away. “I got angry and yelled at her. Then she started clutching her chest and asked for an ambulance. I’m sorry, Xander. I just went over there to talk.”
I reached out and took her hand, knowing it was the only contact she’d allow. She turned her head back toward me and looked at our joined hands. “Is there any word on how she is?”
She shook her head, her grip on my hand tightening before she released and returned to her seat with Ian at her side. I made my way to the desk and asked about my mother, but they gave me vague answers and told me to wait for the doctor to come out. Back in the waiting area, I sat across from Avery and watched as Ian kept leaning over and whispering to her.
W hat the fuck are they talking about?
I didn’t trust Ian not to use her vulnerability over this situation to take advantage of her. Time stretched, and with each passing moment, I became more anxious, wondering what was happening with my mother. If someone didn’t come out and talk to us soon, I was going to search the hospital until I saw with my own eyes she was okay.
She’d had a heart condition for a while. She’d been shocked when my dad was the one to have the heart attack that took him from us, because he’d been reasonably healthy. Maybe the stress of his political position had been too much. Or maybe he was overwrought about a son who never made an effort to come home. I knew I couldn’t handle losing my mother so soon after my dad, so I convinced myself she was fine. Even though fear had a seriously tight grip on my heart.
Ian swept a hand into Avery’s hair, pushing it behind her ear. What the fuck?
“Why the fuck do you keep touching her?” I was trying to hold it together, but it didn’t work. I came apart because I was tired of watching this sick show Ian was putting on for my sake.
They both turned to me, Ian looking pleased to have pissed me off, and Avery all wide-eyed and shocked.
“Don’t,” Avery said sharply.
“Why are you letting him touch you? Since when did he become your consoler?” I furrowed my brows and held out my hands, palms up.
“This is not the time nor the place, so drop it,” she hissed through clenched teeth.
Then when is the time? Now seemed as good a time as any. I needed a distraction, and putting my fist into Ian’s face might just work. Before I put my theory into action, a doctor stepped out and called our last name.
“Your mother suffered a heart attack. She stable, and we’re running a battery of tests to assess the severity of the situation.”
Avery sucked in a sharp breath and covered her face with her hands. Ian wrapped an arm around her shoulder and whispered something into her ear. Avery felt responsible, and I didn’t want that for her. Even if this was karma coming back for me, I knew I’d never adequately atone for my mistakes.
“Can I see her?” I asked.
“Once we get her settled in a room, then the nurse will let you up.” The doctor turned and left, and I couldn’t stick around and watch Ian coddle Avery any longer. I took off down the long hallway and tried to find somewhere to calm myself down before I got thrown out of the hospital when I knew my mother needed me.
~*~*~
I walked into the room they’d assigned my mother. The only sound was the steady beep of the monitor—proving my mom’s heart was still beating, and at that point, that was the only thing I needed to hear. Her coloring was so pale she almost matched the bedding. There were two large chairs set up near the windows. I dragged one to her bedside and sat with her for a long while.
“I messed up, Mom. I’m sorry.” I reached out and took her hand in mine. She squeezed it feebly and then narrowly opened her eyes. She shifted in bed and sluggishly shook her head and pulled my hand closer.
“Everything bad that’s happened in this family all circles back to me. I can’t handle you dying right now. What am I supposed to do without you? Please, Mom. Please. I know you’d happily give up and go to Dad, but it’s not time yet. I didn’t fix things with him. Let me fix them with you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she managed, then began coughing.
“Don’t talk, Mom.” I stood and helped her sit up slightly.
“Water,” she whispered.
I picked up the small pitcher at her bedside and poured some water into a plastic cup. I helped her take a few sips, then settled back into my seat.
She stared at me for a long while, and I didn’t want to say anything to force her to speak, but the look in her eyes spoke volumes.
“We both made mistakes,” she finally said.
I nodded, reached out, and combed my fingers into her hair. “I know, Mom. And I’m going to fix it all… somehow.”
The door opened as I ran my hand down her face. She leaned into it and smiled weakly as Ian stepped in behind me. I got up and walked out without sparing Ian a passing glance. As I stepped out into the hallway, I stopped short.
Avery leaned against the opposite wall with her head down. She looked as devastated as I felt. I liked to have control of my emotions, but it seemed between my mother and Avery, I was spiraling downward. I stepped toward her, and she tried to sidestep to avoid me, but I pulled her into me and wrapped my arms around her. She began to struggle, trying to push away.
“Please. Just let me hold you for a minute.”
We both needed it despite her refusal. She slowly stopped struggling and sagged against me. I rested my chin on the top of her head and tightened my hold on her. I just wanted to feel what we had, even for a few seconds, but it wasn’t the same. Her reluctance was evident even when she loosely wrapped her arm around me. I wanted her back. I wanted her to want to hold me as much as I needed to hold her.
When I pulled back and looked into her face, her eyes were glazed with unshed tears. It was the first time I’d seen her stone-cold hold on her emotions crack. I knew she was seriously hurting if she’d let me see her break this way. I wanted to help her—to take everything back and make our love perfect. But we were doomed from the beginning, and if either of us had realized our connection to the past, a future would’ve never existed for us.
“I miss you,” I said, raking my fingers into her hair.
She inadvertently leaned into the caress and closed her eyes. “Don’t, Xander… please.”
“Why not?”
“Because you and me together is sheer bedlam.” She pushed off my chest and took a step back, breaking our connection. “Look at us.” She waved her hands between us. “There are so many emotions in this hallway I don’t think anyone else can fit.”
“So you admit you still love me?”
“Love is minor considering the anger, loathing, contempt, and pain just to name a few of the emotions.”
I sighed, stuffing my hands into my pockets to keep from yanking her back to me. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“There’s nothing to say. You killed my parents, and now I might have killed your mom. It’s not looking like love will stand a chance among the wreckage.” She walked off, gliding down the long hallway with her head down and her arms crossed.