“What are you going to do?”
He sat on the edge of the bed, ran a hand through his wet hair, and hung his head. “I’m going to call my sponsor. It’s not like I can just walk into any random AA meeting without being outed to the press.”
I nodded. “Just talk to someone.”
“Can I talk to you?” he asked in a low tone.
“No, Xander. That would be a horrible idea.”
“Who am I supposed to talk to? Who can I trust with all this?” The desolation in his voice broke my heart all over again.
No one.
I covered my face with my hands and sighed. I knew I shouldn’t, but I was never good at turning away someone who needed me. I knew I was going to help him, but what’s worse, I knew I wanted to do more than just help him. I wanted to understand him. I wanted to know what made him this controlling, obsessive man. I couldn’t blame him for being controlling. I thought I had perfect control over my life before all this started. But with Xander, his extremes brought him to the edge, and in a way, maybe I wanted to know why. But I was afraid if I did know, I’d make excuses for his behavior just to convince myself I could have him again.
“Please.” He pleaded with his eyes.
Fuck , why am I always so weak with him?
“If we do this, no talking about us getting back together.”
He nodded his acceptance, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.
“You can come in Monday at our regularly scheduled time.” My lunch hour. We’d kept up that appointment, but I usually blocked out the session afterward because Xander tended to be needy in many ways… but not this time.
“Thanks,” he said, slanting a glance up at me from his seat on the bed.
“Don’t thank me. Maybe I’m doing this for me too… Maybe it will give us closure.”
“Don’t say that.” This time his head snapped up and his green eyes bored into me.
I shrugged, then walked out before Xander started stating all the reasons I shouldn’t give up on us. It was bad enough my heart was already making a list for that very same reason.
Mended Bonds
Avery
After my long Friday night with Xander and subsequently enduring morning, I decided to go visit Susan. The visit was long overdue, because I wouldn’t feel better about what happened until I saw her improvement with my own eyes.
When I walked into her room, she was up, moving around, packing her things. She froze and smiled nervously when she noticed me standing in the doorway. I wasn’t sure if coming was the right decision, but before I made an escape, she said, “Come in.”
I didn’t know if I should sit or stand, but the uncomfortable feeling in the room was something that had never existed between Susan and me.
“Okay, this is weird. This isn’t us.” Susan voiced exactly what I was thinking, and I smiled because we always got each other like that. She returned the smile, grabbed my hand, and led me to two chairs near the window.
We sat, all along Susan holding my hand. “I know you think my heart attack was your fault, and that’s nonsense. I’ve had this condition for years, and nobody could’ve predicted when this would happen.”
I looked down at our hands. For some reason, I couldn’t look her in the eyes. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have worked you up.”
“You didn’t. If anything, I was responsible because of my own guilt. You weren’t far off when you said we were trying to atone.”
“Still, you’re like a mom to me, and I shouldn’t have talked to you that way,” I insisted.
“Oh, dear, you had every right to talk to me any way you chose. I’m surprised you didn’t rip my head off. I deserved it.”
I finally looked up into her eyes, and we smiled. “I’d never do that.”
“I know.”
“Where do we go from here?” I couldn’t continue hating Susan for trying to help her son and, in turn, becoming someone special in my life.
“That’s completely up you. Just know I love you… and so does Xander.”
I pulled my hand away from her and looked away. “I want you to be part of my life, but the whole Xander thing… That’s up in the air.”
“I understand. You take your time and do whatever’s right for you. I’ll be here if you need me.”
I nodded as I stood up and looked around, my gaze falling on her bag. “So you’re leaving today.”
“Yeah, Xander will be here in an hour.”
And that’s my cue to leave. I reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it lightly. “I’ll come visit you again soon”
“I’d like that.”
I dropped her hand and left before I had to deal with another confrontation with Xander. On my way out, I sent Ellie a text message to meet me at my office on Monday. If I was going to tie up all the loose ends in my life, I needed to talk things out with everyone involved. And I missed Ellie like crazy.
~*~*~
By Monday morning, I was sitting in my office, facing Ellie, and that odd uncomfortable feeling filled the room again. She came to see me before her classes. She wore a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, her blonde hair in a long French braid down her back. I still remembered braiding her hair every night and teaching her to do it for herself before I left her. I didn’t think she wore them as a fashion statement. She braided her hair because it was nostalgic.
“Are you still stripping?” I don’t know why that was my first question. I was nervous about her being out late at night and being stalked by a customer. I’d stayed up many nights thinking of the dangerous situations she could be getting herself into. Maybe I was overly paranoid, but Ellie had always set off my protective instinct.
She shook her head.
“Where are you staying?”
“A friend of mine has an apartment off campus. I sleep on her couch.” Her eyes darted around the room. Since she’d walked in, she avoided direct eye contact with me.
“I want you to come home.”
Her eyes widened, and she looked at me like that was the last thing she expected to happen. “Are you sure?” she asked cautiously, but I saw her reining in her excitement.
“Yeah, I miss you. I’m not saying I’m not still pissed at you, but I want you home.”
“Okay.” She smiled shyly.
“And I don’t know if I trust you.”
“I understand.” She put her head down, staring at her folded hands. She was awfully quiet, only responding to my questions with no input.
“Is there anything you want to say?” I didn’t want her to feel like she was here to be interrogated. I wanted us to have a two-way conversation.
She looked up and bit her lip. “I know you don’t trust me, but the thing with Xander—”
I held up a hand and stopped her. “I can’t handle your thing with Xander.”
“I know you love him, and I’m sorry. I wish I could change how things happened, but I can’t. If it means anything to you, it meant nothing. He wasn’t even the same person as the man you were with.”
“And I still don’t know which version of him is the real one.”
She bit her lip again, then said, “I think you do.” She gathered her things and headed to the door. When she opened the door, Xander stood on the other side, taken aback to see Ellie. She nodded at him and he did the same, then stepped out of her way and let her out.
The uncomfortable vibe I’d felt with Susan and Ellie turned into something entirely different when Xander entered the room and shut the door. Out of all the feelings I felt when in a closed room with Xander, uncomfortable was never one of them, and that worried me.
Xander