“No.”
“Oh, I have these fantastic muffins from the café in town.” She picked up a basket of baked goods and put it in the middle of the table.
“Susan…” I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. “I’m not here to have breakfast. I think we both know why I’m here.”
She stood over the table, staring at me. I gestured to the seat on the opposite end, and she sat. Our gazes locked, but we remained silent. The conversation we needed to have hung in the air, but I was almost afraid to have it. I didn’t want to lose Susan in my life, but I knew her taking care of me had never been about me.
“So all these years—everything you did for me—it was all about Xander.” My tone was a raspy whisper, totally unrecognizable to me.
“No,” she proclaimed as she tried to reach out for my hand but seemed to second-guess her decision, pulling them back into her lap.
“Don’t lie to me, Susan. Not anymore.”
She sighed. “It was never about Xander. It was always about taking care of a little girl who lost everything. The first time I saw you was at your parents’ funeral.”
I tried to remember seeing Susan there, but I couldn’t. The whole day had been a blur to me. A lot of strangers—people I’d never met a day in my life—encroaching on my good-bye to my parents.
“I asked around, trying to find out where you were going and who was taking you in. It wasn’t long before I discovered you were going to be put into the system. I needed to be able to keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe, so I lied to you.”
I clenched down on my jaw. I didn’t come here to get angry, but that’s what I felt at the moment. “If you were so concerned with my safety, why didn’t you take me in? You live in this palatial home and had more than enough resources to make it happen.”
Her gaze lowered to the table, and her shoulders slumped a bit. After a few quiet minutes, she spoke without meeting my demanding gaze. “I know you came here for honesty.”
“So give it to me. You owe me that much.” I folded my hands on the table and waited.
She looked up at me. “Honestly, I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t bring you here because I needed to protect my son and my husband.”
“That’s bullshit.” She flinched because she was like a mother to me, and I’d never spoken that way to her. I was also shocked at the venom in my voice, but I couldn’t hold it back. “How would taking me in hurt them?”
“Xander was so mentally broken after that accident I knew if he found out about you, it would be the last straw. He would’ve turned himself in, and Jonathan had already covered up the whole accident. Bringing you here would’ve put all that in jeopardy. If anyone found out that the mayor—who was up for the senate seat at the time—covered up his son’s role in an accident that ended in three deaths…” She sighed. “I know all this sounds selfish, but at the time, I was just trying to protect everyone involved.”
I shook my head. “I trusted you.”
“I know.”
“You helped me grieve. You made me go see that doctor for my panic attacks. If it hadn’t been for your nudging me into going, I wouldn’t be a psychiatrist now. I wanted to help people the way Dr. Adams helped me. I never let anyone in the way I let you in, and now I find out it was all a lie—a cover-up.” I balled my hands up on the tabletop.
She reached out and this time built up enough courage to wrap her hands around my clenched fist. I tried to pull away, but she held tight. “I know I chose Xander and Jonathan over you, but never doubt that I loved you. I always will.”
I hated how much I wanted to sweep everything under rug and accept her, Ellie, and Xander back in my life. That was the worst part. There was a battle going on inside me between my heart and my brain. My brain saw everything clearly. It dealt in cold, hard facts. But my heart tended to blur the hard edges and focus in on the good memories, and it magnified my feelings like they were all that mattered.
“If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I can’t say I’m not angry at you, but…” I shrugged. “You helped me with my college application, with my trust fund, and—”
I paused when Susan swiftly pulled her hands off mine and looked away. “Susan?” I dragged out her name because of her weird reaction.
“I don’t want to lie to you anymore.” She turned back to me, and I tried to go back over what I’d said to cause this reaction from her. She met my gaze but remained silent.
“The trust fund?” It was the last thing I mentioned. She nodded, her lips tightly pressed together.
“Was that really from my parents’ life insurance?” I narrowed my eyes and watched her suspiciously.
She shook her head.
The calm that had fallen over me began to disappear, and anger quickly took form inside me. “Where’d it come from?”
She didn’t respond, and I was getting tired of the lies and the sudden speechlessness.
“Where!” I slammed my fist on the table, causing Susan to startle.
“There was a life insurance policy, but it wasn’t as large as the one you received.”
“How much was it?”
“Two hundred thousand.” She wrung her hands together.
“There was over a million in that fund.” My voice was rumbling with unleashed rage. Everything was a lie. There were so many untruths surrounding me I wasn’t sure if I knew what my reality was anymore.
“Jonathan and I decided to put something away for you until you were older,” she confessed.
“Guilt money,” I accused.
“No.”
“Yes!” I jumped up from my seat, the chair scraping against the floor. “Your son killed my parents. Then you and your husband covered it up and paid me off to relieve your guilt.”
“Avery, sweetie.” She stood, one hand reaching out for me, the other over her chest.
“And what’s worse is you stood around and let Xander fuck with my heart, knowing what he’d done.” I pointed a finger at her.
“Avery, please.” She gasped, hunching over and clutching her chest.
“It’s true you facilitated this lie that is turning my life upside down.”
“Avery…” Her breaths shortened and she began wheezing. “Ambulance,” she managed to say.
S hit.
“Susan?” I moved to her side and caught her before she crumbled to the floor. I pulled out my phone and quickly dialed 9-1-1. Her hold on my hand loosened. Then she whispered, “Sorry.”
She passed out as I talked to the operator. And all I could think as I waited for them to arrive was that Xander would think I took his mother away just as he’d taken mine.
Atonement
Xander
Ten fucking days.
This shit was driving me crazy. I knew when I decided to lie to Avery I took a huge risk, but in my head I couldn’t see anything past her leaving me. Now that she was actually gone, I was thinking I should’ve chosen differently.
My phone rang, and when I saw Avery’s picture light up on the screen, I didn’t know what to think.
“Hello,” I answered cautiously.
“Xan…” Fuck. I hadn’t heard her say that in over a week. “You need to come to the hospital.”
“What happened? Are you okay?” I snatched up my keys and raced to the door.
“I’m fine… It’s your mother.”
“My mom?” I paused before pulling open the car door, a bit taken aback.
“We’re in the emergency room. Just get here, okay?”
The line went dead as I sped out the driveway.
I was confused and scared as hell. Why was Avery with my mom? And how the fuck did she end up in the emergency room? My foot was practically glued to the gas pedal, and my hands clenched the wheel so tight my knuckles were white.
~*~*~
When I arrived at the hospital, I found Avery huddled up with Ian in the emergency room waiting area. She stood and took a few steps my way when she noticed me coming toward them. I stopped in front of her and almost reached out to hold her, but she quickly took a step back as though she’d read my intention.