“It’s why I don’t do a lot of things.”
A cool breeze blows between us. Nighttime out here is as quiet as it is dark. It’s been a long day—for both of us—and though there’s so much more I want to know, I’ve had enough. Emotionally spent doesn’t even begin to describe it.
“I think we should go,” I finally say, pulling my jacket tighter around my body.
He walks to me slowly like he’s not quite sure what to expect. His eyes glisten under the moonlight. “Let’s find a cab.”
Without a single word, I walk by his side. We exist, but not together, and all I want to do is make us better.
On a late, cold Chicago night, there’s not much competition at the pier. He hails the first cab that roars down the street, holding the door for me to slide in first. I focus my attention out the window, at the streetlights. I wonder what she’s like—does he compare me to her? Does he ever think about her when he’s buried inside of me? And how is Pierce connected to all this? Was he with her too?
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “Tonight wasn’t supposed to end this way.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
It’s my last night at Charlie’s. I thought I’d struggle to get there, to finish out my last night, but I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. Charlie’s welcomed me to Chicago even if it wasn’t always in the best way. It’s where I met Dana, who has quickly become one of my best friends.
It’s also the last time I’ll make this walk between my apartment and the small line of shops I’ve come to love. I know I’ll still make it up here from time to time, but it won’t be like this.
Pulling my coat tighter around my body, I speed up my pace, eager to escape the cold. My thoughts shift back to last night. It was late when we got back from the pier, and after the ups and downs—the apologies and revelations—I was exhausted. I still don’t know everything, but what he told me was enough to scare me into thinking I may not want to know more. And beyond that, I’m pissed that he kept this from me for so long. He owed me the truth. Especially one that big.
Blake wasn’t home when I woke up this morning. I’d assumed he was at the studio, or doing whatever he does when he disappears. And after what he confessed, I wish I could do the same. Disappear and forget. I wish I could unhear everything he told me, but I need to face the facts.
Blake has a wife he’s made no mention of. He’s taken me, and other women, to his bed without blinking. I pushed him for more information on the way home, but he stopped me. Said we would talk about it later.
Now, here I am—wondering.
Opening the door to Charlie’s, I notice the crowded bar and rowdy college students packed around tables. The college jerks are the one thing I definitely won’t miss.
“Lila!” Dana practically runs up to me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.
“Hey.” I hug her back. “Ready to rock this place for my last night?”
She pulls back, holding my forearms. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? It won’t be the same.” She sticks out her lower lip like a child.
“If Pierce fires me, I might not have a choice.” I’m still worried about how things might change. How will everything that happened in New York affect what I worked so hard for? He’s a man of integrity, but he’s already broken a few rules when it comes to me. What will he think of me if I end up with Blake?
“I’m catching the hint of a juicy story. Go clock in, and we’ll talk about it between tables.”
“I’m going to miss this,” I admit as I walk to the back to hang my coat and punch the clock. I jump right into the swing of things—grabbing drinks for a couple groups that walked in.
When Dana and I finally have a couple minutes of downtime, she begins her usual line of questioning. “Now, why would Pierce even think about firing you?”
“New York was . . . interesting.”
She raises her brow. “Keep going.”
“He kissed me.”
Her brows shoot even higher. “And, what? You’re a horrible kisser? I’m still not following.”
“We ended up in his room, and naked in his bed,” I answer, tracing the rounded wood grain on the bar top—anything to avoid seeing her reaction.
“Holy shit! You fucked your boss? I didn’t know you had it in you . . . no pun intended.”
“I didn’t sleep with him!” I try to keep my voice down, but it’s hard when I’m wound up.
When I glance back over at her, she’s smiling. “Say you didn’t fuck him.”
I roll my eyes, sick of being talked to like this. “I didn’t fuck him.”
“How far did it go then?” I narrow my eyes at her. She continues, “If I’m going to help you out, I have to know.”
I move closer to whisper in her ear. “His head was between my legs.”
“Oh God, so what happened?”
After looking around to make sure no one’s listening, I tell her the rest—about how I’d imagined Blake, about the awkwardness that followed, and our dealings with Wade.
When I’d first met Dana, I never imagined my life would be of any entertainment to her. It’s amazing how fast things change.
“He won’t fire you,” she decides after processing it all.
“You don’t know him.”
“From everything you’ve told me, Lila, he likes you. He’s not going to jeopardize that as long as he thinks he has a chance. Besides, he can’t fire you; it’s sexual harassment.”
She’s right . . . about everything. I hate and love her for it.
I’m about to ask her for some Blake advice when Charlie slaps his palm against the bar. “Are you ladies ready to work now? Just because it’s Lila’s last night doesn’t mean you can fuck around.”
“Sorry, Charlie. We’re just catching up,” I reply.
“Finish later. Two tables walked in while you hens were clucking.”
Turning around, I immediately spot the new table of thirty-somethings looking our way, but the other is harder to find.
“Did you know he was coming?” Dana asks, bumping her shoulder against mine.
“Who?” Still scanning, I see nothing.
She points to the far corner, the one partially hidden by the entryway. “There.”
He looks lost, staring blankly out the window. I wonder what he’s thinking about—if it’s her or me or no one at all.
“Do you want me to grab him?” Dana asks, cutting through my thoughts.
“I’ll take it,” I say, pushing away from the bar without another word.
My ears ring as I slowly weave my way through the tables. I have so many questions.
“Hi,” I say quietly, taking a seat across from him.
Blake’s eyes briefly lock with mine then out the window again. “Do you need a ride home tonight?”
I shake my head then realize he probably can’t see me. “No. It’s my last night so Dana wants to sit around and have a drink or two.”
His mood hasn’t changed much since we got home last night.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I ask, needing to carve into the silence.
He studies me like we’ve never met before. “Ask me,” he finally says.
I hate seeing him like this—a mess of emotions I can’t place.
“About last night . . . I can tell you’re dying to know more, so ask me,” he continues.
Shaking my head, I say, “Not here, Blake. Not right now.”
He pounds his fist against the table. “Now!”
I hesitate, because deep inside I know he won’t handle this well. One question, and I’ll be done . . . he’ll be done with me. “Where is she?”
“She’s gone. She left me,” he says, eyes never leaving mine.
That makes sense, I guess. Why mention her if she’s no longer in the picture? “Are you still in love with her?” I ask, knowing I’m pushing my luck.
“I love her, but I’m not in love with her. There’s a difference.”
Truer words have never been spoken; I know that from experience. Love comes in many forms, and once you feel it for someone, I don’t think it’s possible to ever completely let it go. It lingers in its most simple state, taking a permanent place in your heart.