‘I’ve got a big canvas bag of them standing on the floor.’
I rattled a few.
‘I believe you. You always were resourceful. But, Michael?’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know whether it was the same with you, because you’re not old enough to remember the worst of times. But when I was a lad I used to walk to Bedford from our village, eight miles there and eight miles back, in rain or frost quite often, to try and earn a copper or two to take home to my family. Don’t laugh. There’s only one way by which my hand could come down this telephone cord and strangle you, and that would be if you laughed when I told you that my family went through times when they were half starved.’
‘I’m not laughing.’
‘I didn’t really think you were. Forgive that little outburst. But in the days I’m telling you about, one of those ten-pee pieces — that you are slotting into the box like three-o-three rifle cartridges as if the fuzzy-wuzzies were coming up the hill to slit your throat — would have bought me a cup of tea. Another would have purchased a cream bun. There was many a time when a cream bun and a cup of tea would have given me much satisfaction. Do I make myself clear?’
‘Abundantly.’
‘So where are you?’
‘Near Newmarket.’
‘I thought as much.’
There was another long pause.
‘Why did you wreck my house?’ I asked.
‘You know that I regard private property as sacrosanct. I would never do such a thing.’
‘But Kenny Dukes did.’
‘I have to delegate, Michael. My life would otherwise be impossible. I’d have no time for my family. My boys didn’t like being sent up on their day off.’
It was useless to argue. ‘Where are Maria and Bill Straw?’
‘All in good time. First of all I want to know when you are going to arrive at my house with the Roller and all the goods therein.’
‘I’ve got news for you, Lord Moggerhanger.’
‘And what might that be, Mr Cullen?’
He was having fun. So was I. ‘I’m not coming to London.’
The next pause was so long that even I found it uncomfortable.
‘Michael?’
‘What the fuck now?’
‘I think we shall have to meet soon. And don’t swear.’
‘You’d better get in touch with my agent.’
‘Don’t you think we ought to come to some conclusion?’
We were speeding up. ‘Not until I see Bill and Maria safely back.’
‘Granted, Michael. I don’t want to go on feeding them, not while the National Assistance could be doing it. What do I pay taxes for?’
I laughed. ‘Taxes?’
‘Oh, if only you knew what I have to dish out. It’s my greatest headache. There are some things even I can’t get out of. But when can I get my hands on my goods? I won’t disguise my anxiety on that score.’
‘I’ll drive the car to London.’
After a pause he said: ‘On second thoughts, I’d rather you didn’t.’
‘When can I see Bill and Maria?’
He sounded amiable. ‘Anytime.’
‘I’ll tell you what. I don’t want what’s in the Roller. I hope you never thought that. I don’t know how this misunderstanding could have arisen. When I got to Peppercorn Cottage I just didn’t like the look of the situation, so I didn’t unload. I was dubious about leaving it in the care of that idiot Percy Blemish.’
‘He wouldn’t have had it long.’
‘I didn’t feel sure of that. And I’d had a few brushes with mysterious cars on my way there. The situation didn’t feel good. So I thought I would give the Green Toe Gang a run for their money and stay on the road for a few days.’
‘How do you explain going off with that television crime reporter, Wayland Smith?’ he said dryly.
‘I fed him reams of false information that will throw him off the trail for good. Even when I seem to be working against you I’m working for you. I can’t help myself.’
‘I wish I could believe you. But you’re wandering away from the issue. You begin to annoy me, if only because while the goods are out of my hands I am losing money. Every twenty-four hours that they are prevented from being turned into money I lose approximately six hundred pounds sterling in interest alone. Six hundred pounds! Only in interest! How many cream buns and cups of tea would that buy? You see, even in the midst of tribulation I don’t lose my sense of proportion. Or humour. Do I?’
‘No, sir.’
I wasted more cream buns on another pause. Then the voice came back, as if after a long weekend in Miami. ‘Just tell me where you’re going to leave the Roller, and the key, and I’ll send the lads up with your friend Bill Straw, and Maria — as you call her. She’s a delicious little woman, except that she just about bit Kenny Dukes’s balls off.’
I nearly choked laughing. ‘I hope he does better in his next life.’
‘I think he sincerely hopes so as well, though if I have anything to do with it I don’t think I’ll allow him to have one, in case I have one too. Your friends will be let out of the car as soon as the Roller has been checked, and everything is seen to be safe inside. You don’t even have to be present. In fact I gather you’d rather not. Am I right, Michael?’
‘Right.’
‘That will make the transfer so much simpler.’
‘I’ll keep my part of the bargain,’ I said. ‘But can I rely on Maria and Bill being delivered safely?’
‘The first point, Michael, is that you are in no position to distrust me. The second point is: what do I want them for? I don’t hurt people unnecessarily. That would be un-English. I must admit I feel like giving you a clap around the ear-hole with my brass knuckles for having given me such anxiety, but that’s neither here nor there — since you’re not here. Maybe you did zig-zag around the country because you thought someone else was after the loot, but there was nothing to stop you phoning through to base and letting me know. That’s the third point, by the way.’
‘I apologise for the mistake.’
‘It’s just not like you, Michael.’
‘I’m afraid I forgot myself.’
‘I think you did. There isn’t anything else, is there?’
I was freezing. Then I was boiling, in that confined space. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. Maybe I was getting pneumonia. That would be a relief. ‘What do you mean?’
He cleared his throat. ‘Well, you’re not contemplating anything else, are you?’
‘Like what?’
‘Against me.’
‘That would be stupid.’
‘It most certainly would.’
‘Do you think I’d bite the hand that feeds me?’
‘People sometimes do,’ he said. ‘It’s usually the only one that’s close by. But it’s very short-sighted.’
‘I’m not so daft,’ I said, in the northern accent that he liked to hear so that he could feel superior to it.
‘I didn’t think you were. Where will you leave the car, and the goods?’
I fed in my last ten pees. ‘As from twelve o’clock it’ll be outside my place at Upper Mayhem. You can drop Bill and Maria there. The car keys will be sellotaped under the front left bonnet.’
‘You’re doing a very wise thing. In the meantime, take a quiet holiday.’
‘I intend to go to Holland, via Harwich. Today, if I can make it.’
‘I may be a little hard of hearing, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought I heard you mention Norway.’
I was losing my grip. ‘Since then, I changed my mind.’
‘All right, but don’t send me a postcard. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll have a little job for you, but not yet. I want to give you time to recover.’
‘By the way,’ I said, ‘I had to use a few of those old fivers from one of the packets. For expenses. Not many, but I ran short of cash.’