“What?”
“Is there really that much difference between a so-called lady and a geisha?”
Tsuda had to demonstrate to his companion, who was a masterly dissembler, that he was beyond replying in earnest as though he were a child. At the same time, somehow or other, he wanted to land a punch that Kobayashi would feel. But he refrained. More accurately, the words he needed eluded him.
“You must be joking!”
“I’m serious!” Lifting his eyes, Kobayashi stole a look at Tsuda’s face. Tsuda noticed, and though he abruptly perceived that his companion purposed saying something more, he was too clever not to intervene in the natural course of the conversation. Certainly he possessed the skill necessary to change the subject, but somehow he lacked the courage to slip away as though he were oblivious. In the end, he knew, Kobayashi would succeed in ensnaring him. He spoke.
“How’s the food?”
“Pretty much like everywhere else. To someone like me with an unrefined palate.”
“It’s no good?”
“No, it’s tasty.”
“Glad to hear that. Since the proprietor does the cooking himself, it should be a little better than elsewhere.”
“No matter how good the proprietor is, he’s no match for taste buds like mine. I’ll bring him to tears.”
“As long as it tastes good to you.”
“You could say that. But if I told the cook it’s no better than a joint where I can eat for ten sen a dish, he’d be pretty unhappy.”
All Tsuda could do was force a smile. Kobayashi went on by himself.
“The state I’m in, I don’t have the luxury of carrying on like a damn connoisseur — it’s good because it’s French, it’s bad because it’s English, whatever. If I can gag it down it’s good, and that’s about it.”
“But that means you lose any sense of what makes something good.”
“On the contrary, it’s clear to me. It’s good because I’m hungry. No other logic need apply.”
Once again Tsuda was left with nothing to say. But as the silence between them lengthened and began to oppress him, he opened his mouth to speak again, feeling he had no choice, and was preempted by Kobayashi.
[157]
“TO SOMEONE discriminating like you, maybe a philistine like me is worthy of contempt in every way. I expect I deserve your contempt. But I also have quite a lot to say about that. If I’m thick as a plank, it isn’t necessarily because I was born that way. Give me some stinking time. Give me some stinking money. Then let’s see what sort of person takes his place among you royals.”
By now Kobayashi was already a little drunk. There was something about his fervor, neither entirely serious nor joking, that suggested he was trying to borrow the power of the alcohol to help him liberate pent-up feelings. As Tsuda was left with little choice but to affirm his words at their face value, he felt obliged to fall into step alongside his companion.
“I think that’s exactly right. Which is why I sympathize with you. You must know that. Otherwise I’d hardly go to the trouble of inviting you out to dinner before you leave for Korea.”
“I appreciate it.”
“No, I’m serious. Just the other day I was explaining to O-Nobu how I feel.”
A glimmer of mistrust flashed in Kobayashi’s eyes.
“You don’t say? Apologizing for me to Mrs. T? It appears a little of the kindness you used to have is still in you. But I wonder — what did the missus have to say?”
Without answering, Tsuda reached inside his kimono. Observing the gesture, Kobayashi spoke again as if to halt him.
“Aha! So you were obliged to defend me. I thought it was odd.”
Tsuda withdrew his hand. Intending to say “This is O-Nobu’s reply” as he handed over the money he had brought along in a pretty package, he hesitated. Instead, he returned the conversation to where it had been.
“It seems we’re shaped by our circumstances.”
“I’d say by the latitude we enjoy.”
Tsuda didn’t protest.
“I agree. That, too.”
“From the day I was born until this minute, I’ve lived my life without an inch of wiggle room. I don’t even know the meaning of latitude; how do you think that makes me different from someone who’s been raised with all the freedom in the world to indulge himself?”
Tsuda smiled thinly. Kobayashi was grimly serious.
“There’s no need to think. We’re sitting right here. You and I. We need only compare ourselves to see the different effects of a life characterized by latitude on one hand and desperation on the other.”
Tsuda believed what he was saying to an extent. He also felt it was pointless to be listening to these old complaints, but Kobayashi wouldn’t let it go.
“Consider this. You hold me in contempt; not only you, so does your missus, so does everyone — wait. I have more to say — that’s a fact, you and I both know it. It’s just as I said it was before. But there’s one thing that neither you nor your wife understands. It’s not the sort of thing that mentioning at this late date will affect our relationship, so maybe there’s no point in bringing it up; it’s just that if I go off to Korea, I may never have an occasion to see you again while I’m alive.”
Kobayashi appeared to have worked himself up to a considerable pitch, but then he subjoined honestly, “Of course knowing me, I might find when I get to Korea that I can’t stand it and come right back,” which elicited from Tsuda an involuntary laugh.
Kobayashi appeared to flag momentarily but recovered himself quickly.
“Anyway, I think you should hear this because it might be of use in the future. The truth is, just as you hold me in contempt, I have contempt for you.”
“I know that.”
“You don’t. You may recognize the effect of my contempt, but neither you nor your wife understands what it’s based on. So in return for your kindness this evening, and as a farewell from me, I’d like to explain. Fair enough?”
“Fine.”
“Even if it isn’t, without a penny to my name it’s all I have to leave you, so it’ll damn well have to do.”
“I said fine.”
“So you’ll hear me out? If you will, I’ll say what I have to say. With a palate as unrefined as mine I can’t taste any difference between this French food and what we had at that sleazy bar I got into trouble for inviting you to. To someone like me, they taste equally good. I know you disdain me for that. But the truth is, I take pride in that very fact, and I disdain you for disdaining me. I wonder if you take my point. Think about it in this regard: Which of us is constrained and which of us is free? Which is happy and which feels his hands are tied? Which is tranquil and which one wavers? As I see it, you’re always unsteady on your legs. You can’t find your courage. You’ll go to any length to avoid what displeases you, and you gallop after whatever you want. And why is that? There is no why; it’s because you’re free to. You enjoy the luxury of picking and choosing because you have the latitude. You’re never pushed into a tight corner as I am, so it never occurs to you to thumb your nose at the world.”
Tsuda was accustomed to dismissing his companion. But he could hardly refuse to accept what was fact. There was no mistaking that he was no match for Kobayashi where boldness was concerned, or audacity for that matter.
[158]
BUT THERE was more to come of Kobayashi’s lecture. Following a long look of appraisal at Tsuda, he returned suddenly in an unexpected leap to an earlier subject. This was precisely the issue that had surfaced briefly here and there at the beginning of their conversation, only to be submerged beneath the vigor of what followed.