I’m hesitant at first, wanting to do things the right way with her, but when she tightens her legs around me and I brush against her wetness, that’s all the confirmation I need to slide inside her. Her heat blows my mind and while I want to take it slow for her, I have to move. Her soft moans mixed with little grunts of pleasure encourage me even more. Wanting her to experience the same sweet ache of pleasure I am, I reach down between her legs to help her find her release. She jumps the second I touch her. “Kipton, ohmigod.”
Like two greedy lovers in need of a fix, we both savor each push and pull. A thin sheen of sweat breaks out over my body as I use every ounce of restraint inside of me to make sure she’s thoroughly satisfied before pulling out and coming on her stomach. It’s intense and she watches the entire time. I’ve never had a connection with someone the way we do.
My arms begin to shake from holding myself up, so I grab a tissue from the box next to the bed and clean her off before flopping down next to her—completely exhausted. Carefully, I roll onto my side so we both comfortably fit on her small twin bed. Pulling her close, she willingly melts into my chest for a brief moment before scooting away and sitting up.
She pulls the sheet off the bed and wraps it around her body. Standing up, she carefully puts her shirt on without ever dropping the sheet an inch. I’ve seen her entire body naked, yet she’s suddenly self-conscious. She does the same with her pants, leaving her bra and panties lying on the bed.
“You’re body’s amazing, Sophie, you don’t have to hide it from me.” She finally glances in my direction, but it feels more like she’s looking through me than at me. Her sudden detachment doesn’t make sense. She was present every second our bodies were joined.
“You should go, Kipton. I don’t want you to, but you need to.”
Sitting up, I look at her like she’s lost her damn mind. There’s no way in hell she’s kicking me out after we had sex. At least not until she explains herself. “Excuse me?” I question, when all other words fail me.
“You should go,” she replies softly.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I raise my voice louder than I should, but this time, I don’t apologize for it. I’m pissed and she needs to know I won’t play games. Either she’s in or she’s out because tonight wasn’t just a casual fuck by any means.
“I told you before you climbed into my bed that I can’t do relationships.”
“So you’re going to ignore everything that happened?” I’m standing in the middle of her room naked as the day I was born arguing with a girl about kicking me out. Karma is a bitch.
She shakes her head. “No, it was good.”
“Good? It was more than that, Sophie, and you know it.”
“Kipton, nothing’s changed. I wanted that as much as you did, but I can’t have this.” She gestures between the two of us alluding to our connection. “I’m sorry.”
I pick up my discarded clothing as quickly as I can, stumbling a few times while trying to put my shorts back on. She wants me to believe this was purely physical, but the way her body responded to mine, it was so much more than that.
I may be angry about the stunt she pulled, but I don’t want to argue with her. This goes far beyond gymnastics and I need to know why she’s so damn hesitant. I try like hell to keep my damn mouth shut, but I can’t. It has a mind of its own. “I know you crave me too, Sophie. You can go on pretending you don’t, but we both know the truth.” I walk closer to her and she turns her head. “You want me as much as I fucking want you.”
She doesn’t look at me. Instead she stands by the door with her arms folded protectively across her chest. As mad as I am at her for not taking what’s hers, I still can’t deny the way I’m drawn to her. I should be humiliated, I’m being kicked out, but instead, I feel sorry for her. Cara warned me she has a wicked past, but if she’s not willing to open up to me about it, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fix the way she feels. So if all she wants right now is a quick fuck, then I have no choice but to give it to her.
“I don’t know why you want to deny it, Sophie, but you know I want you. And not for what we just did. I want you because for the first time in my life, I needed a girl. My past isn’t all rainbows and butterflies either, but I care about you enough to work through my own bullshit to change. I’m sure Cara’s told you a bunch of shit, but whatever she’s told you is in the past. I’ve changed for you, Sophie. I’m not that guy anymore. So if that’s what is holding you back, don’t let it.”
“This isn’t about you, Kipton. Not at all.”
“Then what, Sophie? Please help me understand.”
“I can’t.”
“Can you honestly look me in the eye and deny you want me?” I pause, waiting for her to change her mind and run into my arms, but when she doesn’t move, I know we’re done. Silence fills the room. “I guess this was a mistake.” This time it’s me brushing past her, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
She closes the door as soon as I’m completely through, not even bothering to watch me leave. Standing in the hallway with one hand on the knob, I lean my head against the wood. When a strangled cry leaves her, it takes all I have to keep from going back inside. But this is what she wanted and as wrong as it is, I’ll walk away.
“I GUESS THIS WAS A mistake.”
Sobbing, I slide down the closed door into a heap on the floor. He could have said anything to me and I would have been okay. Anything—except that. Like a knife slicing my skin open, his words gut me. Kipton’s words are just like his.
But he’s not.
I’m too scared to want him, yet terrified that if I walk away; I’ll never feel the way I feel when I’m with him. “We aren’t a mistake, Kipton.” I cry into my hands. My body shakes from the pain of his words. He doesn’t know what I’ve lived through. He doesn’t know the emptiness inside me and I don’t know how to let him in.
What have I done?
Maybe I’m the one who made the mistake.
I kicked him out.
Crouching tightly into the corner of my room next to the door, I hyperventilate. Nobody understands. Love has always been my number one enemy and now that I met Kipton, I don’t know how to find acceptance. I’ve spent so many years hating, I’m not sure how to do anything else. Because I do—care about him. Yet I’m petrified of the backlash love has shown me over the years—of being let down and dismissed time and time again.
I take deep cleansing breaths through my nose and out my mouth. My chest isn’t quite as tight—my fingers only slightly tingling. Replaying Kipton’s gentle touches in my mind over and over, my heart rate decreases, the sweating stops, and finally my anxiety levels out. I rest my head against the wall and the tears return without any provoking. But I’m not spiraling with anger this time. No, this time, I’m simply sad. It’s over.
The door opens and I’m shifted farther to the side. Cara slips in quietly. I should move, but I don’t have the strength.
“Sophie, what’s going on? Where’s my brother?”
“He’s gone,” I whisper.
She sits down on the floor next to me. “What happened? Why are you crying?”
Unsure of what to tell her, and not willing to have another panic attack, I have to get out of the room. Standing up, I grab my bra from the bed. Replacing it, I put on my running shorts and a tank top. The only thing that will take my mind off the past hour is exercise. Kipton’s gone and that’s not going to change.
“Sophie, answer me. What’s going on?”
“I’m going for a run.”
“Are you allowed to do that?” She questions.
“Does it matter?”
“Sophie. Of course it matters.”
Grabbing a sports drink from the small fridge, I chug it before I leave. I’ll need it to get my body through the workout. “I’ll be back later. I need some fresh air.”
“Okay,” She responds quietly. I pass Drew on my way out and am thankful Cara has him. If either of us deserves happiness, it’s her.
Once outside, I pause to look around, deciding which route to take. Still not entirely familiar with the town, I do my best to remember which way will avoid the wrestling house while still getting me to the gym. Out of the corner of my eye, I do a double take when I spot Kipton hugging a girl. He reaches his hand up to touch her hair and Déjà vu hits me hard. Thoughts of catching Blaine making out with her at his locker resurface, but I push them away before they have a chance to consume me. He will not ruin me—step. He will not hurt me—step.
The gym’s deserted by the time I get there. I skip the weight room and go right for the balance beam—my favorite. I’m thankful for the peace and quiet; although I’m not sure being left alone with my own thoughts is safe right now. Running my fingertips through the leftover chalk on the beam, I hoist myself up to sit on it. Straddling my legs around each side, I propel myself upward into a handstand. The sensation of being upside down makes me slightly dizzy, but I do it anyway. Inhaling deeply, I know without a doubt this is where I belong. I’ve been missing the rush of adrenaline—the accomplishment of learning something new. The only other thing I can compare it to is being intimate with Kipton. He sends me to heights similar to the thrill of competition.
But I don’t deserve him and I never will.