He doesn’t know me. “No, I’m pissed off everyone’s acting like I’m fucking crazy. I just want to get out of here.”
“You’re great at running, Sophie.” Kipton’s been quiet up until this point, sitting at my desk waiting for the right time to throw his two cents in.
“Kipton, protecting yourself isn’t running. There’s a difference.”
He screeches the wood chair legs against the tiles on the floor and stands up. He looks pained or maybe slightly stunned. “Why do you have to protect yourself from me? I’d never hurt you.”
I glance at the watch dangling loosely around my wrist. “You’ve been breaking my heart for the past thirty five minutes.” I try to keep my emotions in check. To show them all how strong I am. Truthfully, I’m about to break.
After pausing for a few moments to collect his thoughts, Kipton crouches down in front of me. He places his hands on my thighs and while I don’t want him touching me, I don’t make him move. “I know I was out of line and I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. But you need help—like it or not. I wouldn’t have had any reason to accuse you today if it wasn’t an issue.”
I fight hard to stay strong. “I know that.” His words are the most painful to hear because they matter the most to me. Last night I told him I fell for him, and I meant it.
“You’re lucky you’ve had friends around to pick you up when you got yourself into some scary situations. But you’re so much better than all this. Because the girl I’m looking at right this second, I love her like fucking crazy. You make it so hard to keep my head on straight, but you’re worth every ounce of frustration. Do you hear me, Sophie? You’re worth it. Whatever is locked up inside of you, we’re gonna get it out.”
My eyes are about to spill over and the second I blink, I’ll be forced to let go of my pride.
Kipton continues his confessions as I sit here silently. My throats too clogged with emotion to speak. “I want all of you, Sophie. I told you last night I was in this for the long haul and I meant it. But just like we promised, no more lies. No more running. Let’s tackle the demons together.”
I’ll do anything to get Kipton up off the floor because if he says one more thing to me, I’ll break down entirely. “Okay.” I whisper.
“Yeah? We’re okay?”
I nod my head, yes. “It’s my fault for not getting in contact with the therapist when I arrived on campus. I should have known I’ll never be strong enough to be normal. Her card is in my wallet. I’ll call her today.”
“We don’t think you’re nuts, Sophie,” Drew adds. Cara’s now in his arms, softly crying against his chest. Clearly she’s as overwhelmed as I am.
“Maybe I am. I’d like to be alone if that’s okay.” They need to hurry. I can’t hold my tears in much longer.
“Sure.” Cara and Drew leave without question, but Kipton hasn’t budged. As much as I want to find peace in his arms, I can’t forget how he hurt me today. His accusations felt like a dagger to the heart and our tempers did nothing but add to the drama. His temper scared me; it reminded me of my dad going off on my mom. But mine wasn’t much better and I can’t fault someone for giving a shit. Nobody’s ever noticed let alone cared about what I was doing to myself.
But he loves me. I don’t know what to do with his words and it makes me feel even more out of control than I already am.
Kipton reaches for my chin, forcing me to look at him whether I want to or not. His blue eyes are sparkling with unshed tears of his own. “I meant every word, Sophie. I do love you.”
It’s too much. His words are suffocating me and I need air. “Kipton, no.” I shake my head back and forth. The only person I’ve ever heard those words from is my mom. I’ve always understood hatred better than love. At least I knew what it physically felt like. I could even see it. But love is so much more mysterious. It’s not always tangible. That confuses me—to have to rely on trust in order to believe it.
“I’m not going to deny it anymore.”
“I forgive you, Kipton. I wish I could forget. But it all stays inside me no matter how hard I try to forget about it.”
“I’m not asking you to forget anything, but I want you to know you have me to lean on. I’m not going anywhere, Sophie. No matter how much you push when you’re in doubt, I’ll push back harder.”
“Kipton, I don’t know what to do with all of this. My head feels so jumbled up every minute of the day.” I suck in a breath, unable to get rid of the tightening in my chest as I teeter over the edge of a panic attack. “I can’t figure you out.” Without further warning, the dam breaks. I reach out for him as my tears soak my cheeks. I’m not supposed to cry, but it’s no longer up to me.
“Come here, beautiful.” I cling to his warmth as I continue to sob. I’ve never experienced anger out of love. It’s such a foreign concept. But if it’s possible, then maybe he’s my safety from myself. “Please don’t cry. You have me now.”
I choke on a sob, but let out every ounce of anger, pain, grief, and sadness that’s strangling my sanity. Kipton wants me and I need him. Because when I’m in his arms, I feel stronger. Strong enough to fight another day.
“Let me love you, Sophie,” he whispers in my ear.
“How, Kipton?”
“I’ll show you—everyday.”
KIPTON’S HELD TRUE TO HIS word which is another thing I’ve had to get used to—someone making a promise and actually keeping it. My dad used to promise my mom he would change, or tell her he would work on his laundry list of flaws, but he never did. Over time, he only became bitter and resentful of the woman who was trying to change him instead of accepting him for the man that he was. I use the term man lightly, because my father loved alcohol more than his own family. Whether he was at the bar until early morning, or getting caught in the back seat of his car with some bar whore, my mom always knew. She didn’t have to see it first hand to know the rumors swirling around town were true.
One night when the arguing became too much to bare, I sat outside on the roof next to my bedroom window and made a pact with myself to never settle in love. I’d rather be alone than in a loveless relationship like theirs. I remember leaning my head against the siding of the house, as I searched the sky for the star that sparkled the most. I begged that star to grant me my one wish—to give me the power to be strong enough to survive this life on my own and without regret. From that night onward, I let the happiness my ex stole from me and the pain of my parents arguing dissolve—instead becoming peacefully numb. I stopped making myself physically sick, but mentally, I wasn’t any better. Who knows, maybe I was never truly living, rather only existing in my day-to-day life. Either way, it was much easier to look forward to tomorrow when it wasn’t already lacking hope before the sun ever rose.
My plan worked for a while with the numbness never wavering. That was until Kipton came into my life, but it wasn’t just him that sent me spiraling. It was all the changes and the pressure of living up to expectations I wasn’t sure I deserved. My mind was constantly at war with my body, warning me what would happen if I ever messed up—and did I ever. Between the concussion and giving myself to Kipton, I was afraid to get emotionally attached. And as expected, when love was thrown into the mix, I started to drown.
But Kipton’s shown me over the past three weeks just how hard he can love. Whether it’s his text messages or in every kiss, he’s been incredible. I try to stay in the present, but living in the moment isn’t easy. Connecting with my emotions brings painful memories to the surface—ones I’ve worked hard to deny ever existed. But Kipton’s reminded me the benefits of an optimistic attitude. Without dwelling on the negative, I’m no longer waiting for the fear to chase away my happiness.