Kipton’s sitting on the edge of the bed, eyeing me cautiously. I’m sure he’s waiting for me to break down. He pulls me in between his legs, searching my eyes for clues. He’s always able to read me without a word being spoken. “I have no idea what went on, but don’t let him destroy you. You’ve come too far.”
“He wrote me, every year. For my birthday. That’s what’s in the box.”
“Can I see?”
“I want to read them first. You can see the one I’ve already read.” These are mine. I need to go through them and process each one separately. I don’t think I can handle all twenty of them right now, but I’m too curious not to read another. I’m almost hoping his words changed over the years—became less loving and more resentful. Because after reading the first, it’s harder to hate him. And I need to hate him.
“Only if you want me too.” I set the box down on the bed and hand him the pink envelope. He watches me as he opens it but shifts his eyes to the paper once it’s unfolded. It only takes him a second to see the words. They haven’t weaved into his soul and wrapped around his heart like they have mine. “Sophie, I don’t know what to say.”
I take the letter back, nestling it inside the box with its lid. “You don’t have to say anything.” I place the box on my desk. “I need to say something, Sophie. That’s some serious shit.”
“Maybe that’s all it is—shit.”
“I don’t think you believe that and neither do I.”
I almost wish I never saw the words. “I should get my school work done.”
“You did that over break.” Kipton reminds me.
“I’m sure I forgot something.”
“Sophie, you don’t have to look for excuses. If you want me to leave just tell me, but don’t push me away.”
“I don’t want you to go—but I need to cry.”
He holds his arms open wide. “Then come let me hold you and cry it out.”
I willingly walk into his arms. “Thank you.”
“You don’t always have to be strong, beautiful. I won’t love you less if you cry.”
I may never stop worrying about losing his acceptance or his love, but right now, I’m holding on to it as tightly as possible. He’s taught me love doesn’t need a motive or an excuse. It can simply exist. His is the most patient kind of love there is.
Since I’ve met him he’s caught every one of my tears. Today is no different as we lay in silence while he strokes my back and gives me the strength and warmth of his arms. His love runs deep and I’m blessed to have it.
SOPHIE’S BEEN DISTRACTED THE PAST couple weeks, paying more attention to the box on her desk than her school work. Not sleeping well, it shows in her mood. She’s saying and doing all the right things as far has her therapy goes, but she’s off. She’s spent so many years hating Dean, she’s having trouble with her mom and her real father added into the mix. Her anger was always specifically driven toward Dean whereas now it’s all over the place. She may never be able to forgive all of their faults, but my girl has a big heart and will come to terms when she’s ready.
Sophie and I are in a good place, but she hasn’t been staying at my place as much as I’ve wanted her to. Cara tells me she stays up until all hours of the night looking through her letters. I’ve talked to my parents about it and they assure me it’s all part of the healing process. Her emotions are scattered, all playing tricks on her sense of security. If it has to work itself out naturally, I pray it does it soon. Seeing her spirit suffer kills me inside.
It’s a little early for dinner, but rather than driving the whole way back home, I walked to the dorms after my workout. I’m careful to knock on the girls’ dorm room door, making sure I wait for the go ahead to enter so Cara doesn’t go ape shit on me again. When I don’t hear a response, I knock again and wait. I’m met with silence for the second time. I try to jiggle the door knob, but it’s locked. Pulling out my cell, I try calling Sophie. It rings and rings without a response, finally going to voicemail.
“Hey, gorgeous. I’m standing outside your room. Call me when you get this. I thought we had plans for dinner.” I hang up and sit down on the heater at the end of the hallway, deciding to call my sister. Maybe she’ll know where to find Sophie.
She picks up on the first ring. “Hi Kippy. What’s up?”
“Is Sophie with you?”
“No. She said she had dinner plans with you, so I’m going with Drew. Did you piss her off?”
“Not that I know of, but she isn’t answering the door or her phone.” I knock again, harder this time, in case she was asleep and didn’t hear me before. There’s still no response.
“She answer?” Cara asks.
“No. Nothing. You have no idea where she could be?”
“Calm down. I’m sure she ran a quick errand or got held up at the library. I shouldn’t tell you this, but there’s a spare key hidden underneath the heater in the hallway, the one you’re probably sitting on top of.”
I get down on my hands and knees and reach under the old metal heater. It takes a minute, but I find it. Thankfully it’s hidden well and nobody would ever spot it unless they knew it was there. It’s still not the safest thing for two girls to be doing though. “I got it. We’ll discuss the key after I find Sophie.”
“See, this is why I don’t tell you things. You get all worked up. It’s better than being locked out of your room in your damn towel and flip flops because you left your key inside your room.”
“Yeah, I get it, but we can come up with something safer I’m sure.” I stick the key in the lock and push the door open. My heart plummets to the floor. “Sophie!” I run over to her body, lying awkwardly on the shaggy rug in front of her closet door. “Baby, no. Wake up, Sophie!” I yell louder. I hang up on Cara and dial 911. Holding Sophie’s lifeless body in my arms, I rock back and forth on the floor as all signs of life appear lost on my beautiful girl.
With the direction of the dispatcher, I’m able to detect a faint pulse on her neck and I pray I’m not imagining it.
I turn around and the hallway is crowded with shocked expressions and tears. Everyone’s staring but nobody is helping. “Someone fucking get some help. Please!”
As I finish screaming, Cara and Drew come barreling in the room. Cara’s immediately on her knees next to Sophie, tears streaming down her cheeks. Drew’s on his phone with campus security rattling off instructions and information. I’m glad he’s here.
“What happened to her, Kippy?” Cara’s shaking, obviously in shock from the sight of her unconscious best friend.
“I don’t know Cara. I don’t fucking know.” I continue to hold her close to my body, keeping her warm. Cara grabs a blanket from her bed and lays it across the both of us. My hands are shaking as I brush my knuckle across her cheek. Shaking her I start to freak out when she still hasn’t woken up. “Sophie, please. Open your eyes. I need to see your beautiful eyes.” There’s no response from her.
After several excruciatingly long minutes, the paramedics arrive. They take her out of my arms, immediately hooking her up to machines and poking her with an IV. In what seems like seconds, they have her on the gurney with her neck and back stabilized. Moving down the hall, I follow after them, leaving the door to their room hanging wide open. “Where are you taking her?” When nobody answers me, I lose my cool and grab the arm of one of the medics. “Where are you fucking taking her?”
“Son, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”
“That’s my goddamn everything you have laying there. I’m not calming down until you tell me what’s going on. Why isn’t she awake?”
“Kipton, it’s okay man. Let them do their job,” Drew says as he puts his body in between me and the medic. “We can follow the ambulance to the hospital.”