“Treat it like any other counseling session. Say what you want or what you need to with the reassurance that I’m not here to judge you. I’m only here to help you work through your thoughts. I want you to begin to process them in a healthy way. Can you do that?”
“I can try.”
Maura smiles warmly. “Then you’ll do fine.”
We spend the next hour talking about my childhood. The few times I have to talk about the closet, I get anxious. So anxious I have to get up and walk over to one of the windows in order to find another breath. Maura watches me and if she’s waiting for me to break, she may get her wish.
But instead of dwelling on the topic, she shifts to easier questions about college and Kipton. I’m thankful she isn’t pushing too hard too fast. But I’m on to her. She’s mixing in things I love with the things I hate. So as much as I dread it, there will be more questions about the past.
“Kipton’s everything to me. He’s the reason I want to get better.”
“The only reason?” She questions.
“Right now he’s my motivation, but I’m hoping that’s not the case forever.” I want to do this for him, but I already know I have to want it for myself or none of this will work.
“Do you love him?”
It’s the easiest question she’s asked me so far. “Of course I do. He’s saved me more than once. I’m not sure I’d be sitting here right now if he hadn’t found me when he did.”
“Why wouldn’t you be sitting here?” she cautiously questions.
“I had no place to go. If there had been no Kipton, I would have been in my car for days until the dorms opened back up. And then, I would have quit the team or maybe even stayed just to be able to stay in school. But I wouldn’t have been happy. I’d still be living in a lie with a family I can’t stand.”
“So you rely on him to keep you on solid ground?”
“No. I can do it myself, I always have. Although it wouldn’t have been nearly as easy. He found me and took me home. His family accepted me right away, without even having to try to make them like me.”
“Why would you have to make them like you? How would you do that?”
“I’ve always had to work for love. For attention. It was never willingly given. And when it was, it usually came with a motive—one that benefited them and was an inconvenience for me. So for his whole family to open their door to me, to give me a place to stay, it blew me away. Part of me still wants to be perfect so they don’t have a reason to see my weaknesses. But I know they already have. The moment his mom walked into the room and saw me, I felt like the air cracked around her as I waited for her to yell at me or to tell me what a failure I am. It’s the reaction my Dad and Blaine would have given me.”
She takes notes after everything I say, jotting down so much my file is bound to be a hundred pages by the end of this session. “Do you believe you’re a failure, Sophie?”
“Sometimes I do. Other times it’s easier to blame someone else instead.”
We discuss a few more things before she drops a bomb on me. I didn’t see it coming and I’m not sure I would have wanted to. “Sophie, I’m not trying to break you down or push, but I’d like to make you aware of your treatment plan. It includes bringing your biological Father in for a few sessions.”
“With me? Like in the same room at the same time?”
“Yes. Before you get upset, hear me out. I’m not asking you to have a relationship with your Mom, Dean, or your Father. What I am asking is that you speak your peace to at least one of them. I think here would be a great place to begin. From the reports I reviewed, you were doing very well until you found out the truth of your paternity and were given the letters. Do you agree with that generalization?
“Yes. I felt really good until I went home for Thanksgiving break. Then it all came crashing down once I found out the truth about Coach. It spiraled even more after I read his letters.”
“That’s a fair assessment. Would this be something you would consider?”
I stand up and pace. Chewing on my thumbnail, I can’t imagine sitting down with Coach Evans and discussing his words. Of course I have so many questions for him. I must have thought of fifty or more after I left his office. “I’m angry with him.”
“What makes you angry?”
“That I don’t hate him. I hate that I don’t hate him. I’m supposed to. I should.”
Maura nods her head and takes more notes. I’m going to take her pen soon. It’s making me nervous. “I can see why you would feel that way. It makes logical sense.”
“Do you ever have an opinion, Maura? Or aren’t you allowed to tell me what you really think?”
She smiles and laughs to herself, as she takes more notes. “I have all kinds of opinions, Sophie. But they aren’t what you need. What you need is help processing your own opinions. Not mine.”
“Well a little insight wouldn’t hurt. I wouldn’t mind.” She smiles again, but I’d much rather her talk to me like I’d talk to Cara. A normal conversation with give and take—not all take.
She sets down her pen and removes her glasses. “Off the record. I like you, Sophie. You’re going to do well in this program because even if you think you’re only doing it for Kipton, I know you’re not. You want to succeed. It’s how you operate. You’ve grown up in a sport that’s filled with the idea of perfection. But you can’t live your life the same way. You are bound to make mistakes—it’s part of living. So every time you veer from your path of perfection, we have to keep you moving forward while not getting hung up in what could have been. Throw that ideal out the window because reality doesn’t have a set plan. As daunting as it may sound, it’s a fact of life. But you don’t have to carry the entire burden anymore. I’ll be with you every step of the way to help you work through your fears. Sound good?”
“Sounds good to me. But I’ve never been perfect. I wish I was, so they would have loved me, but I’m not.”
“I’m not perfect either, Sophie, and this would be a boring world if we were.”
“You wouldn’t have a job.” I cover my mouth with my hand wishing I could take my comment back. But it’s too late.
“You have a great sense of humor,” she laughs. “You don’t have to bite your tongue around me either, okay? Give me the real Sophie. Not the girl you think I want to see.”
Her words remind me of the time Kipton told me not to be so shy around him. “Okay. And I’ll meet with Coach Evans. But if it’s too much, I’d like him to leave without having to beg.”
“You’ll never have to beg, Sophie. You’re here on your own free will. It doesn’t do any good for either of us if I push you too far. It may be hard to see right now, but you hold all the power. You can walk out of here anytime you want. That’s the scariest part of my job.”
“Me leaving?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not following.”
“It’s simple, Sophie. I want to help you and I can’t do that if you’re not here. Your success is my end goal.”
I roll my eyes, frustrated that even she wants something out of me. “That sounds like something Coach would say.”
“You’re success isn’t for me, Sophie. It’s for you. I want to put hope back into your life. A life that isn’t built around what you have to give. Instead, only what you offer. A lot of people have taken from you, but that’s not the way life has to continue for you.
Hope. One simple word with so many possibilities. I like the sound of it.
THE NEXT EIGHT DAYS ARE spent journaling, in group, and meeting privately with Maura. Not being able to speak to Kipton is killing me. I fall asleep each night thinking of him and wondering if he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him. Thankfully, I trust he will be waiting for me on the other side of the door once I’m discharged. A much healthier, safer Sophie will be leaving this place, but not before I’m ready. There’s several obstacles still standing in my way—two of which are still drowning me.