Today, I tackle the first one—meeting with Coach Evans. As my final step before I leave, it’s my greatest obstacle and the one I’d love to fix the most. I’ve never had a father figure in my life before, and I’m anxious to find out if I ever will. Although I’ve rehearsed what I want to say to him since I found out the truth, I’m still not sure it’s everything I have bottled up inside me. There’s only one shot for me to get it right.
Each step I take to the lounge is cautious. Part of me wants to rush to get it over with. The other part of me wants to savor each spoken word as it could be the last I ever hear from him. Unsure of how I’ll react when I see his face again, I slowly duck around the corner and slither into the room. I raise my eyes from the floor to meet his and although it’s old news, it hits me like a freight train. He’s my father.
“Hi,” I practically whisper.
“Sophie.” He stands up from his spot on the couch and waits for me to fully enter the room. I stand near him awkwardly, unsure of the proper greeting given the circumstances. He decides for me and reaches out a hand to shake. I accept. It feels formal and stuffy. Not at all how I want this meeting to go.
I sit down on the opposite end of the couch leaving distance between the two of us. Maura starts the meeting off with some general comments about my therapy. She talks with pride about my progress and I appreciate it. Coach Evans takes in every word, genuinely interested in what she has to say.
After that, Maura takes a moment to check in with each of us. Staying present is something I can struggle with. I tend to revert to the past while thinking of all that could go wrong instead of focusing on all that could go right.
When it’s my turn, I’m honest. I tell him about my hurt, my anger, and my frustration. He listens attentively, never once interrupting me. I get out everything I’ve rehearsed saying, yet I don’t gain anything. At least I don’t think so. Worried I was overly prepared, I blurt out the only thing left inside my jumbled brain. “I don’t hate you.”
His head jerks in my direction, a shocked expression covering his features. Maura even looks taken aback. I’ve expressed something similar to her several times, but as far as she knew, I was still debating one way or the other.
She speaks next. “Sophie, would you like to elaborate on that, or would you like him to respond?”
“Um. I’m not sure. I guess I needed him to know that I don’t hate him. I’m sure I did when my mom first told me the truth, but it wasn’t for the right reasons. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. Over and over it never changes. As much as I want to be mad, resent you even, I can’t.”
“Why do you think that is?” She questions.
“The letters.”
“What about the letters?”
“He wouldn’t have taken the time to write if he didn’t care. At least that’s the way I see it. I still wish he would have fought harder for me, but he didn’t. The letters don’t make up for all the wrongs, but they opened my eyes to a lot of truths. Each one is consistent. They’re all about me and how much he loves me.”
“I’ve always loved you, Sophie. Just because you didn’t see me, doesn’t mean I didn’t know what was going on in your life.”
“You didn’t know how sick I was.”
“No. I didn’t. But your Mom would send me your school picture every year. And I’ve seen almost every gymnastics meet. A few I snuck into without her seeing me, and the others, she sent pictures of you with your medal around your neck. The guilt I’ve lived with consumes me at times. There’s no excuse for the way your Mother and I handled things, but I’ve missed out on so much. It’s been a lifetime of punishments, but I do love you, beauty.”
Beauty. Dropping my head into my hands, I let him see me cry for the second time. Only this time, the tears aren’t angry. Instead, they’re forgiving. He has made an effort.
And I’m finally ready to forgive this man. Maybe it’s too soon or maybe it’s taken too long, but I can’t put a timeframe on what feels right inside of me.
“Sophie, stay with us. Tell me what you’re thinking,” Maura moves in front of me and places her hand on mine. It’s the reassurance I need to continue. This doesn’t have to take me to a dark place. It very well may, but I won’t know unless to try.
“I-I forgive him.”
She looks into my eyes and instructs me. “Look at him, Sophie. Tell him what you told me. Let him hear you.”
Turning my head slowly, the wall seems to rush by faster than my movement. My eyelids flutter open and closed in slow motion—the image of his face going in and out of focus. We sit staring eye to eye until I get the nerve to speak again. “I forgive you, Coach.”
Tears of his own trickle down his face, catching on the stubble of his beard before dropping to his jeans. He swallows noticeably and absorbs my words. “If you can, maybe it’s too much too soon. You can call me by my first name, or if Coach is all you can handle that’s okay too. But I want you to know how happy I am to hear you say those words. I love you, Sophie. I always have and I’ll never stop.”
“Can I call you Dad?” I whisper.
He shakes his head and wipes his eyes. “I’d love nothing more.”
Glancing at Maura, I wait for her direction. But for the first time, she seems content on letting this play out on its own. “I don’t know the rules or anything, but maybe you can meet Kipton too. And his family. They’ve been really good to me. I’d like you to meet them.”
Maura interjects quickly. “There are no rules Sophie. What you want is up to you. The sky’s the limit now. Once you made the decision to forgive, which you did beautifully, you opened up a world of possibilities.”
“I like that. It sounds like the hope you told me about.”
My dad smiles fondly as we sit and absorb our newfound peace.
Hope.
One simple word. One endless possibility.
Two weeks later
KIPTON STRETCHES, HIS SHIRT RIDING up giving me a glimpse his sexy body. “You look hungry.” He smirks and it’s very clear I’m not talking about food.
“Always.” He cuddles me in his strong arms where I feel entirely at home.
“I’m sorry I took you to hell and back. Thank you for sticking by me.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want you to find your happiness and realize your future is where you’ll find your joy—not locked up in the past. You won’t ever be able to change the decisions your parents made for you, no matter how much you wish you could. Put the letters, the anger, and the hate into something else. Something that makes you happy.”
“Change a negative into a positive.” I smile up at him. “I like that.”
“I like you.” He taps my scrunched up nose and kisses my lips softly. “Correction, I love you.”
“That’s better.” I snuggle closer to him.
Kipton reaches for my hand, tracing an infinity symbol on my palm. “You have no idea how happy I am to see your smile. You deserve so much more than you’ve been given. You’ll always have me, but I want you to have it all.”
“I do have it all. I have you and a real family—and my Dad.”
“Do I get to officially meet him?”
“Of course you do. I already set it up.”
He reaches over to his jacket and pulls a little black box out of the pocket. I gasp in surprise.
“Don’t panic, this isn’t what you think.”
“Okay.”
“It will be, when we’re both ready. For now, I want you to have my promise wrapped around your finger. My promise to always love you and always be yours. I knew a long time ago you were it for me, Sophie. I want to be your world—forever.”