TARNOVSKY (chewing his pen)
What should I write, dammit? I can’t think of anything! A Journey to the Moon?—No, that’s been done already . . . The Hunchback?—That’s been done too. (He takes a sip of burning oil.) I must come up with something . . . something that will make the wives of Moscow merchants dream of devils for three nights in a row. (He massages his forehead.) Avanti, O great brain! (He ponders; thunder and lightning; the salvos of a thousand cannons as represented in one of Fyodor Shechtel’s illustrations. Dragons, vampires, and snakes slither out of cracks. A large box falls into the crater, out of which Lentovsky emerges, holding a big poster.)
LENTOVSKY
Hey there, Tarnovsky!
TARNOVSKY, THE WITCHES, AND ALL THE OTHERS
(together)
Greetings, Your Excellency.
LENTOVSKY
Well, dammit? (He brandishes a club at him.) Is the play ready?
TARNOVSKY
No, it isn’t, Mikhail Valentinich. I sit here thinking, but can’t come up with anything. The task you have set me is too difficult! You want the blood in the audience’s veins to freeze, you want earthquakes to grip the hearts of the wives of Moscow merchants, you want all the lamps to be doused by my monologues. But you must see that this is beyond the powers of even a great playwright like me, Tarnovsky!
Having praised himself, Tarnovsky becomes flustered.
LENTOVSKY
Balderdash, dammit! A good dose of gunpowder, a Bengal sparkler, and grandiose monologues—that’s all you need! To satisfy the wardrobe department, dammit, set the play in high society. Treason . . . Prison . . . the prisoner’s beloved will be forced to marry the villain . . . We can give the role of the villain to Pisarev. Then an escape from prison . . . shots . . . no need to scrimp on the gunpowder . . . a young maiden whose noble origins come to light only during the course of the play . . . Finally more shots, a conflagration, and the triumph of virtue . . . In short, a play baked in the mold of The Adventures of Rocambole or The Count of Monte Cristo . . .
Thunder, lightning, hoarfrost, dew. The volcano erupts; Lentovsky rushes out.
Act I
The audience, ushers, the Grand Maître du Ballet Hansen, and others.
ushers
(taking the audience members’ furs)
A small tip, Your Excellency? (Not receiving one, they grab the public by the coattails.) Oh black thanklessness! (They are ashamed for humanity.)
A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE
So, is Lentovsky over his illness?
ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR
He’s been kicking up a fuss, so he must be better.
THE GRAND MAÎTRE DU BALLET HANSEN
(changing in the dressing room)
I’ll knock ’em dead! I’ll show them! All the newspapers will sing my praises!
The First Act continues, but the reader is no doubt impatient: he’s waiting for the Second Act. So, curtain.
Act II
The Palace of Charles XII. Backstage, our grand set designer Valtz is swallowing swords and red-hot coals. Thunder and lightning. Enter Charles XII and his courtiers.
CHARLES XII
(pacing the stage and rolling his eyes)
De la Gardie! You have betrayed the fatherland! Hand over your sword to the captain and off to prison with you!
De la Gardie utters a few heartfelt words and exits.
CHARLES XII
Tarnovsky! In your harrowing play you have made me live an extra ten years! Off to prison with you! (To the Baroness) You love De la Gardie and have a child by him. In the interest of the plot, however, it would be better if I knew nothing about that and give you in marriage to a man you do not love. Marry General Ehrensvärd!
BARONESS
(marries the General)
Ach!
General Ehrensvärd is appointed warden of the jail in which De la Gardie and Tarnovsky are being held.
GENERAL EHRENSVÄRD
I’ll make their life hell!
CHARLES XII
Well, that’s it for me until Act V. I’m off to the dressing room!
Acts IV and V
STELLA
(who usually is not such a bad actress)
Count, I love you!
YOUNG COUNT
And I love you too, Stella. But, in the name of love, I beseech you, tell me why Tarnovsky had to put me in this damn play. It goes on forever! What does he need me for? What in God’s name does this plot have to do with me?
BURL
It’s the octopus that’s behind all this. It was only because of the octopus that I ended up a soldier. He beat me, hounded me, bit me . . . He is the one who wrote this play, or my name isn’t Burl! He’ll do anything to make my life hell!
STELLA
(realizing her noble origins)
I shall go to my father and free him!
On the way to the prison she meets the Grand Maître du Ballet Hansen. He executes a few entrechats.
BURL
It’s all because of the octopus that I ended up a soldier and am now in this play, and it’s the octopus that has made Hansen dance in order to make my life hell! Well, we’ll see about that!
Bridges fall. The scene is engulfed. Hansen executes a great leap that makes the elderly spinsters in the audience faint.
Acts V and VI
In the prison Stella meets her father for the first time and they come up with a plan to escape.
STELLA
I shall save you, Father . . . But how can we flee without Tarnovsky joining us? If he should escape prison, he will write a new play!
GENERAL EHRENSVÄRD
(torturing the Baroness and the prisoners)
As I am a villain, I must not resemble a human being! (He eats raw meat.)
De la Gardie and Stella escape from the prison.
ALL
Stop them! Catch them!
DE LA GARDIE
Whatever happens, we shall escape and achieve our goals! (A shot is fired.) Damn! (He drops dead.) And damn that too. For just as the author can assassinate, he can just as well resuscitate!
Charles XII appears from the dressing room and commands virtue to triumph over evil. There is universal jubilation. The moon smiles, and so do the stars.
THE AUDIENCE
(calling out to Burl, pointing at Tarnovsky)
There’s the octopus! Catch him!
Burl strangles Tarnovsky, who falls to the ground dead but immediately jumps up again. Thunder, lightning, hoarfrost, the dénouement of the play Two Mothers, or He Was Run Over by a Locomotive, mass migration, shipwreck, and the gathering of all the pieces.
LENTOVSKY
I’m still not satisfied. (He is engulfed with the rest of the scenery.)