Dry as as the Sahara, my mouth remained motionless and speechless as I attempted repeatedly to swallow. My throat closed up and it seemed as if it would never reopen.
“Listen, A.J. I don’t mean to bore or frighten you. I don’t mean to ramble on. I’m just an old man, like I said. Maria’s told me a lot about you, and, being a contemplative old man, I can’t resist the chance to think about you and try to rescue your potential. You seem to be afraid of my granddaughter, afraid of her past, afraid of her mistakes. Perhaps even afraid of her future. Well, let me give you some advice…” He leaned forward and sat on the edge of the chair.
“Don’t be. Instead, be her hero. Be a man. Don’t be her keeper, but don’t go AWOL. Moderate yourself. Listen to her every word patiently, sympathetically, because, not too long from now, I won’t be around to do it. Humor me for a moment, and allow me to give you one last snippet of advice: Don’t be afraid of little Maria. Don’t do too much of anything. Relax. Enjoy life. Enjoy Maria, life’s gift to you. Don’t allow petty fears to pollute your love.
“In short, to borrow a phrase you’ll hear many times over the next few years: At ease, L’Enfant.”
Dumfounded, I gently extended my hand toward the old man, and he shook it firmly with his callused paw. “Thank you, sir,” I said. “I knew this morning at mass that this was a unique day, a day of transition, of rekindling. I didn’t know why until just now. This morning I felt guilt, a guilt that, possibly, could have lasted a lifetime. I was unaware of its meaning. You’ve given me the spark I need to slay my demon, sir. To kill the hate. And to give to both myself and Maria what we’re worthy of accepting: a new A.J. L’Enfant.”
Maria and I departed Grandpa’s apartment in silence. Old A.J. would have been disgusted with Maria for divulging secrets about me to others. New A.J., however, placed his hand on her face and simply said, “Maria, I love you very much.”
I hadn’t said that to Maria for the longest time.
I asked Maggie out the next evening. I resolved to meet her in Central Park, confess my love for Maria, and end it with that. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t end it without bringing her to Central Park, even if it was to break up with her.
We sat on the very same spot that Maria and I had sat the previous spring. Maggie looked around, up at the Elms and London Plane trees, and at the glistening water. “It’s so beautiful,” she sighed. From where we were, I could see the giant pine in the distance that bore mine and Maria’s initials. It had been a long time since I’d been there on my first date with Maria. It had also been so long since I’d really been with a girl, really had a plan to impress her.
I reached over and rubbed Maggie’s bare shoulder. She leaned across the blanket and nestled her body into my arms. I was so happy. There was nothing in particular about Maggie that I liked; but the idea of introducing her to something new really made me happy. It had only been a few days since we met, but I felt like I’d known Maggie for a long time. I really enjoyed hearing about her life, and her family. She wasn’t as dumb as I’d thought.
Still, I remember being all set to break up with her. I swear to God that I was. But in the few hours we were together that afternoon in the park, I really grew to like her. Old A.J. would have liked her so much that he’d fuck her. New A.J., however, liked her so much that he had to confess the truth.
I was about to start talking, to start explaining the situation with Maria, when I grew too worried to speak. It wasn’t even about Maria finding out, or Maggie getting angry when I told her the truth. I was worried about having unprotected sex in the back seat of my car. Disease and pregnancy didn’t enter my mind around the corner from Kearney’s, on 46th Street, where we fucked in a drunken stupor. But now I knew I’d never see Maggie again. Terrified that I’d gotten a disease, or worse, would transact one to Maria unknowingly, nervous jitters overwhelmed my body. It was a warm day and yet I shook. I had to end these worries. I had to probe a bit.
“So, hav-have you have sex with lots of guys?” I asked her, nervously squeaking out ‘guys’ on a high note. I’m not sure which I feared most—getting a disease or Maggie popping me in the chin for even asking.
She giggled like a little school girl. But, then again, that’s what she was, I guess. Running her fingers through her hair, Maggie slid away from me and sat Indian-style, leaned back, and stretched out her neck and arms. She smiled as if she hadn’t a care in the world. For a moment, it seemed like she’d forgotten I’d even asked her a question. For that moment, I hated her.
Finally, she noticed the stern look on my face and responded: “Does it really matter?” She laughed.
That pissed me off. “Well, do you?” I repeated.
“Sometimes,” she said, grinning, as if she was telling me how often she roller-skated. She was beginning to piss me off. I had to find out more about her.
“Who do you hang out with? Lots of boys?”
“A few,” she said. “But mostly my cousin and her friends. My cousin is older than me. She introduces me to all of her friends.”
Overwhelmed by an urge to know all about her ‘friends,’ I abandoned my plan to break up with Maggie and decided to interrogate her instead. Sure, her friends were probably hoods and losers, each and every one of them. But just how greasy were they? Maybe Maggie was just another piece of shit on Queens Boulevard. Maybe she gave me a fucking disease!
“Like who? Anyone I might know?”
“A.J., there are like billions of people in New York!” She laughed again. Suddenly, she seemed to be a lot less interested in me. Her eyes wandered up at the trees and lake out of apparent boredom. She didn’t seem to take my questions seriously. It was frightening. And I was outraged. I would’ve walked away right then and there; but first, I had to know what kind of people she hung out with. Sure, I wanted to quell my fears. But I also wanted to discover something bad about her, something that would make me hate her, something that would compel me to kick her goddamn face and walk the fuck away, leaving her alone in the city. Or at least just walk away.
“All right,” I said, trying to hold back a burst of rage, “enough games. Just tell me a few names.”
She out her index finger to her chin. I still remember her stupid response—“Ummmmmmm… Ummmmmm” as I sat there waiting for what felt like a lifetime. “Ummmmmmm, well, there’s this senior I know named Kerry—she goes to Stella Maris, too. She helps me get beer since I don’t have a fake ID. And then there’s this girl Laura. She gets me into lots of clubs. Then there’s Elizabeth. Her and her sister always drink with me at the park in Ridegwood, the one where no cops come, you know? She sometimes goes to Kearney’s, too. We even hooked up with the same guy in the same night once!” She laughed again. Roller-skating is fun! Hardy-fucking-har.
Had I stuck to my new plan, I would’ve bitch-slapped Maggie and walked the fuck away. I would’ve said “Catch ya later, whore,” and split. I would’ve laughed at her for laughing at me. Not a giggle laugh, but a vindictive one, a hearty chuckle that would’ve bellowed across the Central Park bridges and let Maggie know that she was a piece of shit and I knew it; that there were hoods in my school that had too much self-respect to come on her face; that no guy in Kearney’s could replace her long-lost daddy; that even her sexy body could not lure me away from The One.
Instead, like God had just snapped a picture, I was frozen in a cold flash of light. Then I felt something funny in my gut: butterflies. For the first time since I’d sat in that spot with Maria last spring, I had butterflies in my stomach. Only these butterflies didn’t tickle. They had stingers. And they danced and pricked my insides with glee. Unable to escape, plastered to the cotton blanket below, I forgot for the moment that Maggie was beside me. She simply disappeared. All that was left were the words that had just shot out of her mouth like a round of bullets. It was just butterflies… butterflies… butterflies… and then bullets. A moment later, I understood why.