The companions, reacting to the smell of food, fidgeted and writhed, craning their thick necks to snap at each other. She calmed and soothed them, and fed them bits of apple and pomegranate seeds.
They had already begun to jostle for primacy, each slowly moving toward her center, migrating across skin and muscle toward the spot where Zorargul had lived, as if she would not notice. Her skin felt stretched and sore. No companion had the confidence or nerve to risk detaching from its position to reinsert itself in the primary spot.
A good thing, too, she thought. I wouldn't answer for my temper if one of them did that without my permission.
Leaving her garden, she faced the task of welcoming her guests.
I don't want to, she thought, like a whiny girclass="underline" I want to keep my privacy, I want to enjoy my companions. I want to be left alone. To grieve alone.
In the living room, beneath the transparent dome, the ship created a raised seat. She slipped in among the cushions, sat on her hair, cursed at the sharp pull, swept the long locks out from under her and coiled them—bits of dirt and leaves tangled in the ends; she shook them off with a shudder and left the detritus for the carpet to take away. She settled herself again.
"I would like to visit Zorar," she said to her ship.
"True."
She dozed until the two ships matched, extruded, connected. A small shiver ran through Yalnis's ship, barely perceptible.
Yalnis hesitated at the boundary, took a deep breath, and entered the pilus where the fabric of her ship and the fabric of Zorar's met, mingled, and communicated, exchanging unique bits of genetic information to savor and explore.
At the border of Zorar's ship, she waited until her friend appeared.
"Zorar," she said.
Zorar blinked at her, in her kindly, languorous way. She extended her hand to Yalnis and drew her over the border, a gesture of trust that broke Yalnis's heart. She wanted to throw herself into Zorar's arms.
Do I still have the right? she thought.
She burst into tears.
Zorar enfolded Yalnis, murmuring, "Oh, my dear, oh, what is it?"
Between sobs and sniffles, and an embarrassing bout of hiccups, Yalnis told her. Zorar held her hand, patting it gently, and fell still and silent.
"I'm so sorry," Yalnis whispered. "I was so fond of Zorargul. I could always remember you, when ... I feel so empty."
Zorar glanced down. The lace of Yalnis's clothes modestly concealed the companions.
"Let me see," she said. Her voice remained calm. Yalnis had always admired her serenity. Now, though, tears brightened her brown eyes.
Yalnis parted the lace panels. The four remaining companions blinked and squirmed in the increased light, the unfamiliar gaze. Bahadirgul retreated, the most modest of them all, but the others stretched and extended and stared and bared their teeth.
"You haven't chosen a replacement."
"How could I replace Zorargul?"
Zorar shook her head. "You can't duplicate. But you can replace."
Yalnis gripped Zorar's hands. "Do you mean ..." She stopped, confused and embarrassed, as inarticulate as the girl she had been when she first met Zorar. That time, everything that happened was her choice. This time, by rights, it should be Zorar's.
"A daughter between us," Zorar said. "She would be worth knowing."
"Yes," Yalnis said. Zorar laid her palm against Yalnis's cheek.
Instead of leaning into her touch, Yalnis shivered.
Zorar immediately drew back her hand and gazed at Yalnis.
"What doyou want, my dear?" she asked.
"I want ..." She sniffled, embarrassed. "I want everything to be the way it was before I ever met Seyyan!" She took Zorar's hand and held it, clutched it. "I wanted a daughter with Zorargul, but Zorargul is gone, and I ..." She stopped. She did not want to inflict her pain on Zorar.
"You aren't ready for another lover," Zorar said. "I understand entirely."
Zorar glanced at Yalnis's bare stomach, at the one shy and three bold little faces, at the scar left from Zorargul's murder.
"It wasn't meant to be," Zorar said
Yalnis touched the scar, where Zorargul's jagged remains pricked her skin from underneath.
"Maybe I should—"
"No." Zorar spoke sharply.
Discouraged, Yalnis let the lacy panels slip back into place.
"It's our memories Seyyan killed," Zorar said. "Would you send out a daughter with only one parent's experience?"
Zorar was kind; she refrained from saying that the one parent would be Yalnis, young and relatively inexperienced. Yalnis's tears welled up again. She struggled to control them, but she failed. She fought the knowledge that Zorar was right. Zorar was mature and established, with several long and distant adventures to her credit. Her memories were an irreplaceable gift, to be conveyed to a daughter through Zorargul. The sperm packet alone could not convey those memories. "Let time pass," Zorar said. "We might see each other again, in some other millennium."
Yalnis scrubbed at her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm so angry!" she cried. "How could Seyyan betray me like this?"
"How did you find her?" Zorar asked, as if to change the subject. "She's not been heard of for ..." She paused to think, to shrug. "Sixty or eighty millennia, at least. I thought she was lost."
"Did you hope it?"
Zorar gave her a quizzical glance. "Don't you remember?"
Yalnis looked away, ashamed. "I don't have all Zorargul's memories," she said. "I savored them—anticipated them. I didn't want to gobble them all up at once. It would be too greedy."
"How old are you now?" Zorar asked gently, as if to change the subject.
"My ship is eleven millennia," she replied. "In waking time, I'm twenty-five years old."
"You young ones always have to find out everything for yourselves," Zorar said with a sigh. "Didn't you ask Zorargul, when you took up with Seyyan?"
Yalnis stared at her, deeply shocked. "Ask Zorargul about Seyyan?" Zorar might as well have suggested she make love in a cluster of ships with the dome transparent, everyone looking in. It had never occurred to Yalnis to tell the companions each others' names, or even to wonder if they would understand her if she did. She had a right to some privacy, as did her other lovers.
"You young ones!" Zorar said with impatience. "What do you think memories are for? Are they just a toy for your entertainment?"
"I was trying to treat them respectfully!" Yalnis exclaimed.
Zorar snorted.
Yalnis wondered if she would ever be so confident, so well-established, that she could dispense with caring what others thought about her. She yearned for such audacity, such bravery.
"I asked about her, of course!" she exclaimed, trying to redeem herself. "Not the companions, but Shai and Kinli and Tasmin were all near enough to talk to. They all said, Oh, is she found? Or, She's a legend, how lucky you are to meet her! Or, Give her my loving regard."
"Tasmin has a daughter with her. She'd never hear anything against her. I suppose Seyyan never asked anything of Tasmin that she wasn't willing to give. Kinli wasn't even born last time anyone heard anything from Seyyan, and Shai ..." She glanced down at her hands and slowly, gradually, unclenched her fists. "Shai fears her."
"She could have warned me."
"Seyyan terrifies her. Is she here?" She closed her eyes, a habitual movement that Yalnis did, too, when she wanted information from her ship's senses.
"No," Yalnis said, as Zorar said, "No, I see she's not."
"She said she would, but she changed her mind. It hurt my feelings when she disappeared without a word, and she never replied when I asked her what was wrong."